Sunday, June 5, 2016

The Unraveling

Don't you just hate tags?


i do.

i am supposedly a vegan. Yep that's supposedly what i am due to my diet. i am no vegan. i stopped eating meat because i didn't want to participate in taking life to feed myself. i was eating meat all my life until 2 years back , so calling it an ethical choice would be hypocritical. Right now i don't like to eat meat. That's basically it. i also feel that milk of an animal is meant for its young. If nature intended me to be drink cows milk, i would have been born a calf. Though i bullshit most of the time, i am certainly not a bovine. My balls are too small.

And lactose makes me fart.

So, vegan, i am not.

Recently someone said i am a feminist. Hell no!

i just don't like unfairness. And if you are a woman and get on the bad side of me by being a mean , unfair , rude , opinionated bore, i would kick your arse, even if you have boobs. i am pretty unbiased in my dislike for people.


Nope, i avoid people as much as possible because others are my hell. Crowd energy hits from all sides. It tires me out. i get drained. So i avoid. Nothing against people, the problem is not them, its me. i try and occupy a small space in the society as inconspicuous as possible . Until and unless trouble finds me, i try and stay out of it. i like people from far.


Actually 20 years back it was called Psychotic maniac depression. i liked that better. It sounded like a condition. Bipolar sounds like a polar bear that swings both ways. i feel i am just moody. i have my highs and lows just like everyone. Its not a big deal.

Wife thinks i am delusional. i feel i am a dreamer.

My mother thinks i am impractical. i call it risk taking.

Actually i have no idea what i am . Like all, i am perceived. Perceived by other , perceived by myself. Funny thing is if i come across me i may not recognize myself. i dont seem to look at the whole me . i only look at parts. When i brush i look at my mouth. My relationship with mirror is very fragmentary. i guess that's probably why my selfies looks so fascinating to me. i am nothing like how i picture myself to be. i am way good looking in my head. Out there i look like a hairy scrotum.

i feel i have no real personality. i become the books i read, the movies i see, the music i hear, the people i meet. This is perhaps why i avoid interactions, as i can easily tune into the other and become a reflection. i become whatever the other wants me to be. Off late, i stopped that. i just didnt see the need. Now i am that guy in the balcony. I am that guy on the coach fixated on that painting on the wall. Until someone engages me, i am on standby mode. Nothing.

i am grateful to those who remained. i know that i am incapable of investing into a relation...everyone i know has come ... some stayed...some moved on....

Sometimes i feel it is fear that puts myself in my own shell. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being hurt. Probably. I would be a great nut case study for a jobless shrink.

The last one i had was in Nimhans, who kept asking me questions. i recall only couple of questions he had asked. Most of the time, all i recall is this close up of his mouth , surrounded by thick pubic hair like beard, moving. i recall being fascinated. Couldnt take my eyes off. It was like watching a talking vagina.

i have come to a conclusion that any expression is a validation of the mind. Even these words are just that. i guess in some ways, since i have no one to actually talk to , i have no venue for bouncing ideas except with myself. Perhaps that could explain why my mind got fragmented some years back. Moreover, the quest i seem to be on is more internal than external hence, it is not easy to find a like minded person.


We will wade into more light hearted banter next time. Forgive me my indulgence which to most may seem narcissistic . Another tag .

In life i have noticed, we are often guilty of the traits that we despise in another. The emotions that we feel, especially the so called negative kind, is rather a useful indication where you mind is identifying with something that it does not want to acknowledge. Funny , no?

Truth is we are more connected than we are different. i know when i write this, i am writing it for some one of you.


Anonymous said...

one do get the feeling that the writing is meant partly for the reader.
when someone doesn't have anyone to talk ...mind/ thoughts get fragmented??? (someone/ anyone.. rhymes.. cant think of better way to write that) oral discourse is a must for continuity of thoughts?.. better that way otherwise one fall into the trap of thinking that self is always correct..

Anonymous said...

@anon : perhaps you are right... a bouncing off of thoughts ...honest, searching conversations ...reading ... all are interactions... perhaps even this fragmentation within is an attempt by the mind to have a listener and a talker... there seems to be no correct or wrong ... writing is always for the reader... even when the reader could be just you...

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Danforth Vallejo said...

The fire inside stifled? What about the fire next time? Get back in the game. Continue blog please.

Anonymous said...

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BTW, I thought you fell off the planet , when I didn't see much of your writing.

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