Thursday, August 21, 2014

Drunken Donuts.

We love our drinks, don't we?

But in India , we seem to take it to the next level.

I love my alcohol. I guess being a mallu , I am wired to be an alcoholic. My earliest memory is of a much older cousin, who in an inebriated state, walked over the Tambanoor bridge in Trivandrum ( which is now named Thiruvananthapuram, and is also used by the cops to see if you are drunk by asking the suspects to spell it), naked.

In the later years he went on to become a Sanyasi. The step between chemical imbalance and spirituality seems to be a subtle one. Of course, he was the family legend. He was everything I wanted to be. Naturist and a monk. Who could ask for more?

In the Sand City, I have a ritual for my drinking. Something as sacred as Jack Daniel, in my book, required that sort of devotion. I used to drink only in the night when I was alone. It had to be just right. Absolute silence and solitude was a requirement. I was not meant to be a social drinker much to the dismay of my parents. I am probably the only person in this planet who had his mother screaming at me at a party to get drunk like normal people.

Now that is how it is for a mallu.

But even I was not prepared for the things we do back home in India to have our bottle and drink it too.

Bangalore .

A city who is a lot like the fun loving young girl who has Bal Thackery as her father. The city goes to sleep at 11 pm for heaven's sake! The place probably has the maximum number of watering holes in the country and the biggest revenue the traffic police makes is from those poor souls who return home after downing a few.

The whole thing is like a well organized production. The cops will place metal barrier gates strategically on the road like a maze and then direct suspiciously weaving vehicles to the side of the road and make the drivers/riders do the dreaded blow job.

If your alcohol level is below 40mg per 100ml of blood, you are pretty much ok. You are free to go home. So that one for the road is fine as long as it stays just one. Unlike the Sand City which has zero tolerance.

Anything above that can get you either fined, vehicle confisticated, licence revoked or jailed , depending on severity and repeat offending. Its all great. They have a detailed website ( ) which ensures everyone here knows the law. So its all good.

But lets be honest. When was a law made that was not meant to be broken? Especially when it involves alcohol? Personally I think drunken driving is the most stupidest thing a person can do apart from telling your wife that her butt looks big in that dress. Its suicidal. Not that I have anything against people wanting to kill themselves. Hell, its your life pal, see if I care. But drunken driving puts others at risk. Ask our Salman Bhai.

Since common sense was never the forte of our species, there are many tricks that is being employed to beat the breath analyzer. Whether it works, is anybody's guess. I certainly will not vouch for the effectiveness of any of it. Since I drink myself to a stupor in the confines of my house, this does not apply to me and like politics, government and social issues that does not effect me directly has no relevance or interest to me.

Forget mints and paan.

Apparently guava works. After a night of revelry, eat a guava fruit and you are all set to face Inspector Ramayiah and his breathing tube. Someone said its not the fruit that you have to eat but its leaves. Play it safe. Eat both.

Recently a friend of my wife told her that the most effective method to beat the test is to drink Parachute Coconut Oil.

Yep. I bet the guy was a mallu. The coconut oil as the solution to all of the world's problem can only come from a malayali head.

We believe in our coconut oil. In right doses we know that coconut oil can cure AIDS , baldness and neutralize alcohol from your blood stream.In fact if studied in depth we are positive that it hold the key to the unified theory. In the beginning, before the word, god created coconut oil.

So if you are in Bangalore partying with your local friends , don't be surprised to see a big bottle of Parachute Coconut Oil being part of the celebration.

If the drive home doesn't kill you,hopefully, the cholesterol will.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Still Clueless

I am not much on comparing. Each to its own, that's what I say.

Wife blames it on low empathy but I don't agree, it's more or less because I don't care. Different definition , same meaning...but I really don't care. You live your life and let me live mine.

But it doesn't work that way does it?

The beauty of the sand city is in its way of letting its ugliness be its laborers who built it but remains the unseen, unsung heroes. It's easier that way for people like me, who by some unforeseen accident or birth defect cannot relate unless it comes from a source of experience. Even then it's from a source that's self serving. You tend to view from your own perspective and in that lies the virtue or curse, as you might deem it, this ability to be unaffected .

I don't care.

I see yet I don't feel. Thing is I don't think I am alone in this. The more I watch the game of life around me, the more I feel I belong. The only difference being that I say it and most don't. It doesn't make me elate since the easiest path is to admit to your follies and be unconcerned , than to recognize your follies and make a change. But hey, what's the hurry? We are comfortable in our little bubbles of make believe empathy and sympathy, that the need for acting upon it is never called upon us.

Life is good.

We can put a 'Like' on the Tibetan who burns himself to ashes for his freedom on the social media network, or run amok with our verbal diarrhea on female infanticide , rape, genocide, or any other cruelties that we deem deserves our opinion and we can make ourselves believe that we have played our part in changing the world .

Things are good for people like me. The arm chair problem solvers, who with the tip of their fingers can alert the world and make changes.

I blog.

I rest my case.

But then I am the lowest rung in human evolution. I am the bottom feeder. I don't even believe in my own species. If it was up to me , we would have ended on December 21st 2012.

I was that guy who was rooting for the Mayans.

I don't understand.

I don't understand why in India we have those guys standing at the enterance of a mall, going through my bill of purchase and punching it before letting me out. What are they doing? What is the purpose? What do they hope to find.??

I don't understand. I have even asked that uniformed, security guy who gets to wear a uniform and pretend to be a cop what he is doing. He had no answer. He was required to look at the bill and punch it. I asked him if it is to deter shop lifting. He said maybe. So I asked him how will looking at a bill and punching it deter shop lifting, since you are not comparing my purchase with my bill. He nodded thoughtfully and looked at me sheepishly. I realized that I was questioning his purpose. That was not my intention but he emitted the vibes of an animal who is trapped , scared and ashamed. It changes the frequency of my energy and hits me at the base of my solar. It charges the emotion of guilt. I felt bad. I backed away. Thanked him for taking the time to explain it to me. I felt the vibes change.

I still didn't understand. Perhaps its to keep the guy busy. Give him something to do. To keep him engaged. Like that guy you find in the lift. You don't really need someone in the lift to press the buttons for you but yet, there he is.

Its like in India we create jobs so that people can earn; have a purpose. I am okay with that. Like those shadow people in stores whose only job is to follow you around. I get fazed by them. They make me very nervous.

What's their function?

I don't understand.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Death becomes us

Meat gave up on me.

For a hardcore carnivorous, who believed that to save animals bordering on extinction, we need develop a taste for them, this new development is somewhat weird.

As a misanthrope with a death wish, this is not part of any diet. I have never had a physical done because I am of the old school who believes that what you don't know cannot kill you.

When I look back on that fateful day, I developed a repulsion for all animal based food product , I seem to see a pattern. A coming together of specific events to finally kick me where it made perfect sense.

I was reading K Pax. It's a three part book based on a person in a mental institution who claims to be an alien from the planet K Pax. A movie was made on the first part in which Kevin Spacey played the role of prot , the alien. What struck me about the book was his eating habit. He eats only planet produce. His reasoning is that life should not be sustained by another life but rather from its living energy. I found that fascinating. I have always felt hypocritical about my stand about life , humanity and all such crap while stuffing myself with flesh that came from dead animals. But truth be told, the book did not bring about the change. It was just fodder for my thoughts.

Then one day, someone posted a YouTube video about a cow being taken in for slaughtering. The whole video, which lasted about 4 minutes was this cow standing in a narrow corridor that leads to an entrance that is opened and shut with an automatic gate. The cow cannot see what is happening to the cow which went in before her. But she knows that something is wrong. She moves back. She tries to turn and escape but the corridor is too narrow. I saw the panic. The fear. The desperation to live. The resistance to an impending death.

I think I cried.

And that was the end of meat. Every living creature deserves to live. To feel for the murder of a human child but feel nothing for a fish, seems so fundamentally flawed. It seems like a convenient conscience.

Now my wife is convinced that I am going to set off in search of a boodhi tree.

I doubt it.

There is nothing remotely moral or some higher path shit that I connect to. I am way too much of an asshole for that. My actions are purely selfish and self centered. There is definitely something going on with me, but I attribute that to decades on alcoholism and possible mental damage.

But I do have a possible solution for world hunger and population.


Propagate that, get that thought process a little momentum and we will solve two of the biggest problems that seems to plaque humankind.

Two birds with one stone.