Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kneaded Here.

There are things that can totally shake the ground that you stand up on. Like finding out one day that Gandhi was a foul mouthed Nazi or Jesus finding out that Joseph really was his father.

For me, it was when Soumya told me that Shakeela chechi is actually from Tamilnadu.

Thats like saying the peacock is the national bird of Great Britan.

People should not play with other people's faith. Its bad manners. I bet she was punishing me for being rude to her. Jerk.

I have nothing against Tamils. If I do, you will not find me saying it here. Never mess with a population who takes their cinemas seriously. The last time I said something about a certain actor whose name starts with R and ends with t, my girl child became a boy. Now unless I want my marraige to become a lesbian alliance, I should probably stop this paragraph here.


But Shakeela chechi?


How could this small detail of birth have been missed by her mallu fans? There is a whole generation of men from that prawn state whose epitome of sexual adventures were performed by others on the celluloid and the object of that lust was always this woman with a remarkably small head on top of gigantic assets. Shes the only woman I know, who could make a sexual congress ( my vote is on that) look like a piglet trying to suckle its mama. Its like the joke where the fly makes love to a Rhino and then asks her, did it hurt?

Mallu men who acts in mallu porns are elisted from the Kerala Tattukadas. I think this must be the day job. I came upon this revelation when I was sitting, sipping my black tea one night, waiting for my order of Parata and beef curry, watching the parata maker at his finest. He was kneading the dough. And I was going :

Wait a minute, I know that movement.

It was deja vu.

Images flickered by in my head like Amir Khan's in Gagani.Memories streamed out like a freshly squeezed Colgate toothpaste. I opened my shirt and looked at my tattoo. Shakeela chechi and the Kerala kamasutra number 79.

The boob kneading.

I had spoken about this earlier. The copyrighted sexual move of all mallu porn movie, which is followed by the nosing of the pleasuring womans body who lies supine like a fell oak, where only sign of life is the constant rubbing of her two feet like shes got a case of athletes foot.

And who can forget the visible display of a mallu girl in the throes of passion? The self biting of her lower lip with the eyes rolling back like a person suffering from an epileptic fit.

This was education to a generation whose daily lust fix was watching discreetly the women taking their bath at the temple pond from a distance of 1 kilometer.

There is a reason why we rank high in imagination. This is also the reason why mallu men hold hands. With each other.

This is also why we sport a moustache.

Its to brush away any dust while we do the nosing of our women.We have no idea what we are supposed to be sniffing for but if thats how it should be done , then thats how it will be. We are afterall a nation known for following the leader.

Sex is an important factor in Kerala.

Its like food in Ethiopia. Or health for a sick person. We dont get enough.

The result shows itself in public transports, bus stops, any crowded place, with embaressing regularity. This is why we need great individuals like Shakeela chechi. She will ensure that the horny mallu men will stay inside a theatre, like the sex trade in Amsterdam, where it can be controlled and dissipated in a healthy , socialy acceptable way.

Considering that Kerala gave Tamilnadu one of their most loved politician,MGR, its only fair we adopt Shakeela chechi as our own.

Its a fair trade.

I would like to leave you with a lovely picture of chechi in a pensive mood. ( If you are reading this at work and your boss is a mallu, make sure he is standing behind you while you scroll down; sure fire method to get into his good book)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Pussy Galore

Its not like I hate cats.

I dont. I just find living with something which has an expression on its face as if it knows my inner most secrets, a lot like being married to the damn thing.

Its unsettling.

Iam a man. Atleast I think Iam. After hitting 40, there has been a tendency to cry in movies, have temper tantrums and a penchant to behave like , god forbid, a woman. This , I have read, is due to the reduction in the production of testosterone, which is the chemical within us, that makes men men. Funny when you think of it. That the only thing stopping men from becoming a woman is a chemical.

Anywho. Now that my boobs are bigger than my wife's and my stomach eclipses the only identifiable male part that I may no longer have, since I have taken to sitting down when I pee, Iam not very sure when I claim that Iam what Iam because Iam a man.

But I find any man who likes cats a little strange.

Iam currently residing in the Sand City. Here , unlike , in the home country, when one takes a pet, its for life or untill it is release onto the concrete jungle where they become part of the road reenforcement plan or gets taken in by some misguided do gooder who then gives it to an animal shelter like Feline Friends or K9 Friends etc, where they are recycled to live their potential road kill destiny all over again.

Life sucks if you are a human but its double suck for an animal that is not a horse or a camel here.

Iam proud to say that I belong to that breed of men who has made the ostrich approach to life a lifestyle. When Anna Hazare fasted, I was rooting for him with beer and pizza. When Japan quaked , I expressed my sympathy with 5 pegs of JD. Iam like that Nero. You will find me fiddling while the world burns around me and it will be easier because I will be watching it on TV.

But all that was spoiled when wife went out and came back with an animal that was animated only when you open a can.

Now I need to live with this fur ball for its life time which can be around 15 years. Being a cat, you will also need to multiply that by 9. So Iam not liking this one bit. My conscious and the fear of my wife prevents me from releasing the object of my wrath to play dodgeball with hurtling metal coffins on wheels.

Cats are useless as pets. It doesnt fetch. It doesnt roll. It doesnt save you from fire and robbers. It doesnt act like a 4 year old boy on speed when it sees you after you have stepped out for 5 minutes.

Men need that. We like knowing that we are missed. We like thinking that we somehow makes a difference to someone or something.

Cats dont give a fuck.

What it does is sleep 18 hours of a day in your wardrobe , snuggled amidst your black clothes covering it in unremovable cat fur, waking up only to shit or when you open a can. Then they spend the next 1 hour walking around the house at 3 in the morning making noises that sounds like Lady gaga being strangled.

I have always felt that the amusement in the eyes of a cat is it wondering how on earth it managed to have a human as its pet.

Therefore its a mystery what still makes these buggers a welcome addition in some houses.

I think theres a reason why the Egyptians used to worship these feline spongers. Any animal that makes you clean up its shit is worth worshipping.

Theres an old saying :

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I think I will just pour myself a drink.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Naked Games

I don't understand cricket.

Could never get the unnecessary passion behind 2 guys wacking a ball with a piece of wood and 11 guys running around trying to catch it. It seemed as stupid as that other game where 22 morons run after one ball.

All that changed with the promise made by one Miss Poonam Pandey.

Any game that promises to have a naked woman at the end of it, is a great game in my book. That was all the motivation I needed.

I was cheering myself stupid for India all day yesterday.

My eyes are however yet to be rewarded for the effort.

I like naked women.

I cant really explain why.

Its one of those things that defies logic.

I like women but naked ones are better. Somehow better. Beats me why. Naked men dont hit the right note but naked women are another story all together.

Anyhow. The important lesson here is that it got me watching cricket.

I still dont get it but the anticipation for the rewards of sitting through it is just great.

Its my opinion that there should be a naked woman at the end of every effort.

Women are great motivaters.

Every one might think that it was dedication, patriotism and team work that won the day for India but we men know the truth.

It was Poonam.

Shes our Evita.Our lady of liberty. The shining Icon of everything great about a woman. Her body.

Of course the Indian middle class morality might be offended because according to us, naked women are a myth. They dont exist. Its a western propaganda. Any woman comfortable in her own skin is answerable to the society of fat holy cows who dictates her fate.

Indian woman. Symbol of purity and chasity.

What does nakedness have to do with that? Purity then must be dependent on the layers of clothes that cover it. Hmmm doesnt strike you as correct does it?

If a girl wants to strip, I feel the Indian society should stand back and let her.

After all shes doing it for her country. Others blow themselves up among others for the same reasons. This is a far better option.

Wars could have been ended this way.

What if George Bush said that he will strip himself naked if Osama Bin Laden was'nt found in a weeks time?

History might have been different.

I think this Poonam girl is onto something.

She could be the answer to world hunger.

Mamta Banerjee promises to strip naked if the hungry Indian mass are not fed.

Religious intolerance.

Manmohan Singh threatens full monty if the one thousand religions of India doesnt bury the hatchet and promises to live in peace and let others live in peace.

World peace.

Abdul J Kalam decides to get into the picture by baring it all if the world leaders dont get into one room and come out with a solution.

Poonam could be the new age Gandhi. Her idea could get results for age old problems. Fast.

I say let her do what she wants to do. Lets cheer her on instead of judging her.

From my side, I promise to strip naked in public if India ever loses another world cup.

There! that should solve that problem.