Monday, August 23, 2010

Gods must be crazy

Its Onam.

For all the non malayalees , who in my opinion are just people on the way to becoming malayalees, let me enlighten you on the origin of this festival.

Long long time ago, Kerala was ruled by an Asura named Mahabali. This was during the times of heavy caste system among the gods. Mahabali was a good king and was so loved by his people that, the gods became jealous since the people were pretty happy with the king and didn't need much from the gods. To make matters worse the guy was an Asura, whose role untill then was to give Brahmins headache, cause trouble to the gods, once in a while meditate and get great powers from the gods, who then gets a chance to come down to earth and kill the said Asura with the same powers that was given to him.

Gods ,when they don't have people clamouring all over them with petty needs and prayers, tend to become pretty cranky and petty. Just read your books.

So one of the big honcho who goes by the name Vishnu, came down to visit the king in the form of a dwarf. Why a dwarf? Beats me. This guy seems to have a major identity crisis and keeps visiting us in various guises. Maybe he just loves the get up. Who can blame him? He spends eternity lying on a snake with his wife at his feet. Enough to drive anybody nuts. I guess this comes under the label of entertainment.

Anyhow, the dwarf reaches the king, while the king is engaged in a yagna. Yagana was what our kings used to do. It basically kept our Brahmins employed and primarily consisted of polluting the air by pouring all sorts of stuff into a fire , while making noises in a supposed language only the brahmins understood. Why? I dont know. It was supposed to appease the gods.

So as was the custom, the king offered the dwarf a wish. The dwarf asked for 3 paces of land. The king was amused but agreed. Immediately the dwarf started growing in size. Somewhat like that Mallu child actress Baby Anju.



With his first step he covered the underworld and earth. That explains this guy's flattened face:

With the next step he covered the heavens. Since everything was kind of covered, Mahabali offered his head for the god to place his last step. Hence the famous mallu come back line when asked 'where?'. Ente thalayil ( On my head) or Ninte Thalayil ( On your head) or Avante thalayil (On his head)

So before stamping him down to the underworld, the god, being very pleased with the king, probably as a PR stunt, gave Mahabali the boon of coming and visiting his kingdom once every year.

So, to add insult to injury, after stomping down a great king who was loved by his people, for being an Asura, the god ensured that he gets to see the steady decline of his country and its people for a day every year.

Talk about a crappy deal.

But it kind of makes up for this:

The second greatest thing to have come out of Kerala.

The greatest is this :

(shakeela chechi)

Note : All actress,porn stars and underworld kingpins depicted here are fictionary and any resemblence to any living or dead characters are coincidental.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


A test.

What are the first thoughts that comes into your head when you see this guy?

Would you trust him? Is he nice? Is he the kind of person you can trust when you find yourself stuck in the lift with during a power cut? Is he someone you could depend upon? Can he be cunning? intimidating?

Gullible? vulnerable?

Can you figure out a person by just seeing?

Or is this person just seeking validation? Its possible.

Or is this person putting enough thoughts in your head to get the answers he knows he is going to get? Does he appear to be the kind of person who can manipulate you?

Is he bad? Is he good?

Does he look like the kind of guy you can be friends with? Friendship is a powerful thing. It has no expectation. Only acceptence. Will he reciprocate? Will he invest?

Can you see?

Is he vain? Is he tricking you? Is he covering all the gaps? Is he influencing your answers?

The real question is :

Can you judge a person by his words and his looks?

Now see this man:

His name is Joseph Merrick.

He was and always will be a better man.

Do we really see? Can we really see?

Imagine him being stuck in the lift with you.

Would you prefer me?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

More dust in your eyes.

It's the time of the year for retrospection. I have decided to include some fruits into my life. So for this month I have given up Jack Daniels and has taken up Vodka with Orange Juice.

I need the vitamins.

I have had the time to sit and reflect on many things. For one thing, being Ramadan, everything closes early. Which means that I reach home very early in the evening and have absolutely nothing else to do than watch my cat watching me. Somehow this time, Iam not particularly enjoying this being alone bit. Iam also beginning to get to know me a lot better. Iam not particularly liking myself a whole lot either.

Iam absolutely indisciplined.

This is very surprising. Considering that I have spend a larger part of my life in places where I had to follow orders. I used to shine in those environments. Put me in the army and I would become Rambo but take away someone who can show me what I can do, Iam like a dog in the park.

Normally I let my wife lead me. She tells me fetch and I fetch. When shes in the car with me, I just stop thinking. She has to even tell me the routes that we have travelled a thousand times before , much to her chagrin. I guess, given a chance, I can totally surrender living to someone else. My only problem is when others tries to influence my thoughts and words. Then I become rabid.

What I found out is that, if it wasn't for the fact Iam married, I would have destroyed myself long ago. Not that Iam doing such a great job of preserving myself now but I have slowed it down a bit. Like I don't mix my pills with my drinks anymore. Its a big step. Trust me.

I seem to love instant gratification. My life has no five year plans. Hell , it doesn't even have a 1 day plan. The maximum I can see forward is to the end of the day . I need to put something I enjoy at the end of that day, so that I can motivate myself to get there. I read somewhere that there are people trying to achieve this by reading books and paying self help gurus (!). Iam , what you call, living in the moment. In a semi daze.

I also cant seem to do anything that I don't like doing. I bet its the same with everyone, but the difference is that I don't do anything I don't enjoy doing. So if Iam doing something, Iam enjoying it; or trying it out to see if Iam enjoying it. If I don't , I will not do it and if Iam forced to do it for reasons beyond my control, I let everyone know that I hate what Iam doing. Iam very honest that way. This exasperate my wife but she somehow manages to deal with it.

Iam affectionate but not very demonstrative. I am scared of intimacy. I guess I was like that before. Iam not sure now. I was always scared that I will find someone who will coax me to reveal everything about myself to her only to have her pull the plug on me one day. It has happened to me before and I don't like being vulnerable. I have a tendency to protect myself because Iam a selfish, cold hearted coward when it comes to my emotional safety. I cannot afford to go down that road again. I almost didn't make it before. Iam also aware that this can be a self fulfilling prophesy. So loving me must be very tiring.

If left to myself, Iam inaction.( Isn't that word ironic? In action should mean being in action, yet it stands for an action less state).Most of my thoughts when Iam alone is about immediate requirements. My wife is aware of this. She knows that if Iam left alone, she will almost always find me in the same spot 3 days later. She drives me to action.

I don't mind.

Shes the one who normally will point out that I need to go and interfere when some boys are being harassed by security guards in a shopping center; or adopt three kittens that were going to put to sleep or pack food to drive to the railway station to feed an old lady or take on a potential eve teaser or visit a friend in the hospital or wipe out her savings to help someone. I need to be told. Otherwise I don't act. If I do, I do it without thinking and it doesn't register. She is the Rama to my Hanuman, the Draupadi to my Bhim, the Parvati to my Shiv.

Or the kick to my lazy bum.

She seems to have the road map and Iam just in it for the ride.

...and perhaps to change the tyre once in a while.

Its good to have a role in life I guess. Not that it really matters...but it helps.

I have this disgusting habit of mirroring.Which means that I have a tendency to mirror anything that's put in front of me. If Iam reading a book, Iam that book until the next one is placed in front of me. It could be a book, a movie, a person...It last only as long as it is in front of me. It leaves no trace when its removed. Iam not influenced, just merely reflecting. So most people tend to like me because I seem their type. Iam very good in becoming what ever it is you want me to be. My younger brother, I suspect, is aware of this. I bet he finds it amusing. I think the real me is silent and likes trekking;

.. if he can get over his drinking.

One more thing, isn't it amazing that all organized religions have become what they were fighting against? I guess when one looks the beast in the eye for too long, one risks the chance of becoming it.

Ramadan Kareem.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Plugging : Swayamvar 2010

Its that time of the year, I have to earn my keep in marrying into his family.

If you are in Bangalore and likes good theater, please do go for this. I will not be there but hopefully you might get to meet my muse.

Say Hi to her for me.

So here you go . I hope you enjoy it.

If you were able to make it, could you please return and tell me all about it?


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dont mind me, its just heat stroke.

I could never figure out these Arabs.

If I had oil and lived in a desert, I would have bought Switzerland ,named it UAE and moved my whole brood there. Perhaps send the Swiss down here to pump the oil and deposit the money into my account on a regular basis.

Will it still be called Swiss Accounts, I wonder?

Man its bloody hot here.

I got third degree burns on the bridge of my nose from putting on my sunglasses which had been left in the car. If you hang around parking lots in the afternoon, don't be alarmed to hear blood curdling screams every once in a while.

It doesn't help that Iam bald at the top of my head. Its like a landing site, trimmed all around the edges with short hair.

Somehow while watching Transporter I kind of came to the conclusion that I would like to have the hairstyle that was being sported by Jason Statham.

Now I look like a condom.

Iam one of those strange race of men who does not have any neck. My head is directly connected onto my shoulders. This means that when I wear a tie , I risk gagging myself. On windy days I also run the risk of getting chocked by my chest hair. Its not pleasant when your mouth is that close to your chest.

Thankfully Iam in shape.


My chest size is equal to my waist size which is equal to my height. Iam a bloody square.

Wife has gone to India for her annual sabbatical from me.

She will be back in a month's time , all rejuvenated so that I can spend the rest of the year crushing her spirit and destroying her beliefs.

Any how, I thought why not get into a more attractive shape while shes gone. So I got my dusty cycle out from amidst the other miscellaneous, unused exercising products which serves other functions than the one they are intended for; much like the expats who work in this country; and hooked it up behind my SUV.

My plan was to go cycling every evening in the Mushriff Park, followed by a swim in the park's swimming pool and then return home to dine on a Cup A Soup and then hit the sack.

In 1 months time, when wife comes home , shes going to be greeted by a rectangle.

The problem now is the 2 bottles of Jack Daniel that graces my booze cabinet.

Being a man who has a tendency to finish what he started, my ideal is keeping me back from striving for health.

The irony! Who would have thunk that being principled might probably kill me?

What am I saying? Sticking to your principles are the best way to get yourself out of the gene pool in today's world.

Oh well, I guess if I drink lots fast enough, I probably will be able to get into my fitness regime in the next 4 days. That's if my liver doesn't decide to do the Madeleine.

But man, its hot here.

Heat sucks.

How much do you think Switzerland cost?

I could never understand why people who live in hot places are dark. Black absorbs heat doesn't it? Why does god always get the basics wrong? First he goes and puts boobs on women...

I feel the whites should move to all the hot areas in the planet. Their skin will reflect off the heat. Iam sure nature intended all dark skinned people to live in colder places. We are biologically more suited for it since we will naturally absorb heat.

So what do you say? Wanna swap countries?