Saturday, February 27, 2010

I want to believe

I have been awarded.

By Hip Grandma none the less!

For a guy who has spend most of his educational years, ( I use that term very loosely) standing on the bench or outside the classroom, this is a great deal for me. This means at the age of 40, teachers are finally beginning to like me.

My mother will be so proud of me.


Here are the required 7 little known things about me. (Does this mean I should write 7 little known, things about me or 7 little , known things about me? Thing is tags like this makes me realize how little there is to me. I would like to believe that my life has been an open book. There are not many skeletons in my closets that can come back to haunt me. Here's the trick to discourage potential blackmailers, don't do anything that you have to hide from yourself and if you did, then don't care if anyone finds out. Theres more to life than being held accountable by others for the mistakes you make in your own life. Come to think of it, it seems like a mistake only when you consider an other. Without another, there are never any mistakes, only events.

- Iam quite. Really. In the intervals between my ranting theres nothing really happening in my head. Even when I speak its almost spontaneous.So being afflicted with foot in the mouth syndrome is to a large extent a malady. This is not some thoughtless stage. You are the some total of your thoughts.Not meant in a philosophical sense but when you think about it, you are. You are a bundle of memories of events and actions. I bet you cant feel for that child when you look at your baby snaps. You remember him but you are not him anymore.I don't connect with my past. It always seemed as if it happened to someone else. I recall it , remember it but there are no great emotions attached to it. It seems to be just was.

- Rejecting things and ideas comes naturally to me. It also helps being undisciplined. Iam not blessed with the faculty of learning from an other. It seems to also help that I dont blame or is grateful to something other than myself. I have made many choices that might seem like mistakes to others but I feel that it was somehow required to make me what Iam today... a completely stupid man.

- Iam not ambitious. I have no competitiveness in me. You want to win, go ahead. I have never tried to be better than anyone. But I do enjoy doing the best I can but most of the time I don't. I probably use about 20% of what Iam capable of but I don't care. There seems to be no point in using the remaining 80% apart from proving it exist. Its also wonderful that it only requires minimal effort to survive this life.

- Iam persistent. Iam like that Hockey masked guy from Halloween. I keep coming back. I can keep getting up no matter how much Iam beaten down. There must be a real masochistic streak in me. I normally see things through.Iam very stubborn.I do things my way. I cannot take orders. I just don't. If I ever do, it will be with real resentment and it will come through one day.

- I have spend a day in jail during my college days. I got beaten up the whole night by 2 cops who wanted me to sign an FIR they had written of things I have never done. I never did sign it. Refer previous point.

- Iam not an easy person to be with on a continuous basis. Ask my wife. Iam OK in small doses. Kinda like tequila shots.

- Iam not here.I think I died in 1996.

Iam not tagging anyone in particular but I would advice anyone reading this to take it on. It kind of gives you an opportunity to indulge in yourself. The best part will be trying to believe it yourself.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Check out any time you like but...

I have a friend who is recently divorced.

I like the guy but if he doesn't stop flaunting his suddenly acquired bachelor status, I will probably have to accidentally drop the bowling ball on his tender regions the next time we go blowing.

Please don't attribute my seemingly violent reaction to a case of jealousy. Theres hardly anything worth being jealous about a guy who no longer has someone to tell him when to stop his sojourn with the bottle and eat his food.Without a woman by his side, a man is like a loose cannon; aimless, reckless and carefree. How can any normal married man be jealous of something like that?

Give me marriage any day.

Being committed is what marriage is about. Iam aware that being committed is something one normally associate with suicide and institutions the like of one flew over the cuckoos nest. But Iam not afraid. I like being married.

Whats with a recently demarried person that makes him such an in your face dating machine. Aren't these guys required to at least have a decent period of mourning accompanied with lying in the gutter drunk,with at least an acceptable level of suicidal tendencies? I feel its vulgar to be so damn happy about cutting ties with a burden that you have promised to love for life so help me god.

One day he landed up at my place to borrow my knapsack because he wanted to go on a backpack trip to Dharmashala. I like my knapsack. I have full intention to use it one day. I like surrounding myself with things that represent a healthy lifestyle. Its all about visualization. You will know if you have ever bothered to read the book 'The Secret'. My wife says that Iam out of shape. I don't think so. Iam very much in shape. It may not be her conventional idea of a shape but its a shape nevertheless.


So this guy takes my knapsack and goes. Later on I find out through the desperate housewives gossip vine of my friends that he has taken off with a girl. I don't understand. When you decide to annul your divine contract, I thought the last thing you would want is a female company. What is it about a human that makes him repeat the same mistakes again and again? Or is female company more pleasurable when there are no contractual agreements attached to it? I don't know. I love being married.

I have always thought that man invented marriage for free sex,housekeeping and food. If he thought he had it made, Iam afraid he was way off his intended goal. Sex is the first to be sacrificed in the altar of marriage. As for food, unless you happen to be Tiger Wood, your survival is a necessity for your wife. Theres a probable chance that somewhere along the way your diet is going make you wonder if you should get up in the morning and moo. But ask any married man and he will tell you that he wouldn't have it any other way. No. We are not scared. We are just deliriously happy.

Ever noticed how contagious marriage is? I remember when I was just out of college and working, one of our classmate got hitched. Within a week, another 2 got married. By the end of the month the number had increased to 20. It was like being in the midst of the 13th century black plague. By the end of 2 years only about 3 remained. They had some sort of immunity. Since misery loves company, we , the espoused, would spend hours at parties extolling the wonderful institution of marriage to these 3 pagans untill it dawned to us that we were casting pearls before swines. They were gay.

Now that gay marriages are permitted, I don't think they will survive the infection long. Eventually we all seek to anchor ourselves.

Then there are these anomalies. The ones that has broken away from the society established method of documented love. We see them at our parties. We notice their high pitched laugh. We condemn the fact that they are the last to leave a party and when they do they have a member of the opposite sex driving them home. We notice that there are no bags under their eyes ; they sleep through the weekends.

We notice. Inwardly we feel immense pity for these lost sheep. We invite them home for them to get an inside view of a joyous union. We encourage them to play with our children. We hope that somewhere , when junior pukes over their polo t-shirt, a paternal/maternal spark will be ignited. We let them bathe in the glorious light of our divine communion. We hope that we will be able to save their souls and lead them back to the light.

We like being married.

In the meantime, I want my fucking knapsack back.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love the one you with.

I really love it when science catches up with what I always knew.

Despite being a modest sort of fellow, I would like draw your errant attention to a study that has been done in some country where people can afford to spend money and time on such important things other than on mundane stuff like hunger and poverty.

The case in point is about parenting.

Considering that we have been at it now for close to a couple of 10,000 years, we would think that we would have got the hang of it by now.

Apparently not.

The new study shows that loving your spouse and paying attention to your marriage is more conducive to having your children grow up to be balanced, happy individuals. In short, if you love your children, fix your husband a drink. Preferably wearing spandex.

I always knew this. Its like other things I know. Like that god died in 1546, in a landslide off the coast of Hawaii when he was on vacation with Venus, and his body was never found. One day they are going to dig deep enough and find that body and the world is going to go: Ah, Tys told us so!

But in regards to parenting, I believe that Iam an expert. It comes from being in a position to observe. My wife does the running around,slapping her head in frustration bit etc while I watch and learn. As you are aware , in order for true wisdom, you need to distance yourself from the activities. The distance gives you a 360 degree perception. Laziness also helps.

I have noticed that today's parenting is mostly what has been aptly termed ; by the same people who gave us 'window of opportunity', 'weapons of mass destruction' and 'misunderestimate'; as helicopter parenting.

This is where the said parent hovers around their child/ren, ensuring that they are safe, protected, loved, isolated, bubble wrapped and made ready to face the world.

According to the study this raises a generation of adults who are neurotic, selfish, anxious and depressed. I know it sounds like the general description of a normal human being but this can be changed.

How you ask?

By loving your spouse. This creates an environment of a stable loving relationship that provides a nurturing ground for children who watches and learns the values and ideals of human interaction and relationships, which is what living in a society really requires.

This is why people in Bombay are loving people. ( Note that I didn't say Mumbai, and I wont be out there trying to kill you if you prefer calling Thiruananthapuram, Trivandrum.)

In the majority of Indian homes , which consists of a single room, parental loving is a disturbing reality for its children. So we grow up ,wanting to barf at the mention of sex due to the memory of our loving parents, but nevertheless, balanced and a shining role model of an ideal human being. This is also why we boast of the largest number of people who prefer to become celibates and god man. Nothing kills good old sex than your parents and god.

So, to all the parents out there, next time the ankle biter fails in his 1st grade exams, or falls and grazes his/her knees in the play ground; drop everything , grab your spouse and kiss like theres no tomorrow.

This is what the world needs now. If not for anything, lets do it for our children.