Monday, February 22, 2010

Check out any time you like but...

I have a friend who is recently divorced.

I like the guy but if he doesn't stop flaunting his suddenly acquired bachelor status, I will probably have to accidentally drop the bowling ball on his tender regions the next time we go blowing.

Please don't attribute my seemingly violent reaction to a case of jealousy. Theres hardly anything worth being jealous about a guy who no longer has someone to tell him when to stop his sojourn with the bottle and eat his food.Without a woman by his side, a man is like a loose cannon; aimless, reckless and carefree. How can any normal married man be jealous of something like that?

Give me marriage any day.

Being committed is what marriage is about. Iam aware that being committed is something one normally associate with suicide and institutions the like of one flew over the cuckoos nest. But Iam not afraid. I like being married.

Whats with a recently demarried person that makes him such an in your face dating machine. Aren't these guys required to at least have a decent period of mourning accompanied with lying in the gutter drunk,with at least an acceptable level of suicidal tendencies? I feel its vulgar to be so damn happy about cutting ties with a burden that you have promised to love for life so help me god.

One day he landed up at my place to borrow my knapsack because he wanted to go on a backpack trip to Dharmashala. I like my knapsack. I have full intention to use it one day. I like surrounding myself with things that represent a healthy lifestyle. Its all about visualization. You will know if you have ever bothered to read the book 'The Secret'. My wife says that Iam out of shape. I don't think so. Iam very much in shape. It may not be her conventional idea of a shape but its a shape nevertheless.

Anyhow.

So this guy takes my knapsack and goes. Later on I find out through the desperate housewives gossip vine of my friends that he has taken off with a girl. I don't understand. When you decide to annul your divine contract, I thought the last thing you would want is a female company. What is it about a human that makes him repeat the same mistakes again and again? Or is female company more pleasurable when there are no contractual agreements attached to it? I don't know. I love being married.

I have always thought that man invented marriage for free sex,housekeeping and food. If he thought he had it made, Iam afraid he was way off his intended goal. Sex is the first to be sacrificed in the altar of marriage. As for food, unless you happen to be Tiger Wood, your survival is a necessity for your wife. Theres a probable chance that somewhere along the way your diet is going make you wonder if you should get up in the morning and moo. But ask any married man and he will tell you that he wouldn't have it any other way. No. We are not scared. We are just deliriously happy.

Ever noticed how contagious marriage is? I remember when I was just out of college and working, one of our classmate got hitched. Within a week, another 2 got married. By the end of the month the number had increased to 20. It was like being in the midst of the 13th century black plague. By the end of 2 years only about 3 remained. They had some sort of immunity. Since misery loves company, we , the espoused, would spend hours at parties extolling the wonderful institution of marriage to these 3 pagans untill it dawned to us that we were casting pearls before swines. They were gay.

Now that gay marriages are permitted, I don't think they will survive the infection long. Eventually we all seek to anchor ourselves.

Then there are these anomalies. The ones that has broken away from the society established method of documented love. We see them at our parties. We notice their high pitched laugh. We condemn the fact that they are the last to leave a party and when they do they have a member of the opposite sex driving them home. We notice that there are no bags under their eyes ; they sleep through the weekends.

We notice. Inwardly we feel immense pity for these lost sheep. We invite them home for them to get an inside view of a joyous union. We encourage them to play with our children. We hope that somewhere , when junior pukes over their polo t-shirt, a paternal/maternal spark will be ignited. We let them bathe in the glorious light of our divine communion. We hope that we will be able to save their souls and lead them back to the light.

We like being married.

In the meantime, I want my fucking knapsack back.

34 comments:

WannabeWriter said...

I am saying nothing! I will just wait for Madhu's comments! :-I

Sankoobaba said...

"Without a woman by his side, a man is like a loose cannon; aimless, reckless and carefree."

thats why single life rocks! of course charms of married life may haunt me some day but for now...

"When you decide to annul your divine contract, I thought the last thing you would want is a female company. "

i completely agree

"Or is female company more pleasurable when there are no contractual agreements attached to it?"
again this is very sad but true!

"It was like being in the midst of the 13th century black plague"
same thing happening...lots of ppl from my school are getting married...damn..

marriage scares the living daylights out of me,even relationships dont last, i self destruct
may good sense prevail on me someday

Preeti said...

Your wife's gonna be one happy woman... ;)

Arky said...

Cool! Love the post but I am not buying the divine contract stuff.

Madhumita said...

Awright thats it. If your next post isn't that very very long list about the great married life you're ACTUALLY having, I am investing in that sofa cum bed to be installed permanently next to Babu aka building watch man's room - you know the one right? Its the one with the state-of-the-art loo and flat screen TV.

Poornima said...

Lol! Say what you will Tys, but youre jealous! I mean, Im dead sure you dont want to be 'demarried & you can't survive 6seconds without Beauteous-Beauty by your side, but maybe you'd like to be selectively divorced you know..like when those hot chicks draped in their national flags are serving drinks at your divorced friends place (come to think of it-you'll probably be too bored to even lech at them, loser,except that your friends would think you're gay/ impotent/pretending), or when you want to drink from 6am to 6pm and puke on the wall clock,or you desperately want to sleep, but Velcro needs to bond with her father just then..

But its not gonna happen Tys, so quit dreaming & go get the groceries! :-)

JuXtApOsEd_BlOgGeR said...

lovely post. I am sure that all u wrote about marriage and women must be true. I wouldnt really know till i one day long long time from now i decide to take the plunge (i wonder why ive heard the same expression about marriage many times)...but meanwhile,i found a typo (immature) onetheless hilarious.
'drop the bowling ball on his tender regions next time we go blowing...'

Nags said...

tys! i am doing good, just stopped updating TMD so closed it. considering anon blogging but want to make sure that's what i want before i begin.

how've u been? still married, i am glad to see!

humbl devil said...

@madhu

how does he get away with a post like that???
:D

@tys...
all the best...>:D

Manasi said...

Have been waiting to catch your first remark on "Tiger Woods" over here... wonder whats keeping you from writing about THE MAN ;-)

Folks are waiting with baited breath...

btw... A Normal Married Man? What the heck is that thing? an Oxymoron? hahahaha

-Manasi

Ashes said...

am i the only one to notice the "blowing" in "..I will probably have to accidentally drop the bowling ball on his tender regions the next time we go blowing?" :P~

Hip Grandma said...

'It may not be her conventional idea of a shape but its a shape nevertheless'.

Does madhu agree?

Easy to preach sonny boy. Marriage is a necessary evil just like your bottle of JD.So advise your friend to return your knapsack first and get married to a nice later. The demarried status is purposeless. we women are complimentary factors ............

Hip Grandma said...

@madhu:I have a spare cot that my husband won't give unless for a very good purpose. May i send it to you. BTW can Babu handle this incorrigible husband of yours?

Hip Grandma said...

Forgot to tell you that you've been awarded and tagged by me.

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Arunima said...

lol@madhu: having the partner read your blog, doesn't it kill your creativity? :-)

Hubby told me about one colleague of his who behaves like the said person. Even bachelors are frustrated about that demarried person and the way he was happily saying, I'll be single again.

Such people are not single, they are demarried.

Jules said...

Wow, has this post ever confused me! i can't really tell, yaar, whether you're for or against marriage... jealous or not of your friend. LOL In any case, whatever the point, I think it's a hilarious post and I love your wreckless abandon!!!!! ;O)

Aarthi said...

He he.. fair enough.. :)

Tys on Ice said...

@wannabe : so tell me, are you pleased with her answer? I bet u thought shes going to kick my arse...well,shes not someone who talks about what she does...

@sankoobaba:untill then just enjoy...

@preeti : u bet she is!

@arky : neither did i , untill i noticed that my day becomes really bad when my wife is pissed off with me...if thats not divine intervention, i dont know what is.

@mads : i aint leaving untill u make arrangements for my meals and opened cans of beer.

@Poori : welcome back girl...i thought u went for sanyas when you went AWOL...of course i can survive demarraige, its time without her that will be a problem..

@juxtaposed blogger : not immature at all...but how freudian! Thanks for pointing it out..

@humble devil : u devil! to answer for her, trust me, i dont get away with it.

@manasi : i respect that man..i will never make fun of a guy who 'suffers' from sex addiction and whose surname is Wood...This guy is God.

@ashes : you are the second one...whts this fixation with blowing? Am i missing something?

@hip grandma : what u trying to do with giving mads ideas? Marraige is not a necessary evil...its just pure evil...ofcourse i will reverse my opinion the day my wife agrees with me.

@arunima: it does curtail what you want to say but then so does society, law, friends, people etc...so its okay,....she kind of excepts me like those pet owners who knows that their dog is not a pevert just becoz he humps guest's legs..

@jules : reckless abandon! hmmm...i like that...yep, thats me alright..reckless and soon to be abandoned. :)

@aarthi : u had something to add?
@nags : yep...u too?

@

Mohammed Musthafa said...

Hey,

Would like to know your opinion about a story I'm writing. Its posted on Facebook as a Note.

Here's the link...
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?v=app_2347471856&ref=profile&id=660038190#!/note.php?note_id=367359279352&comments

Tys on Ice said...

@Musthafa : Musthafa my man! where u been? how was the exams? i will surely go to the site you gave...unfortunately i cant from where i work becoz all such indulgences have been blocked by urs truly...but i do allow myself the liberty of wasting some amount of company time on blogging though....a man needs his vices.

Addy said...

m nt qualified to comment here.....still a bachelor infact in college! But loved reading ur post!
Cheers!

Gargoyle said...

Tys, I keep your blog on ice until I'm having a really bad day/week/year and only crack it open when it reaches emergency level. It's always guaranteed to make me smile. Never failed yet.

Anonymous said...

Simply awesome. And here I thought my generation was the first to master dry wit. Seems I was wrong. ;)

BR, Aaron
here's my site too

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