Tuesday, December 28, 2010

In the end

Few things in life can give you the satisfaction of a job well done than passing out in a party.

The above sentence have no relevance to anything you are going to read further. I just felt that I should impart these nuggets of knowledge to you folks.

Lets call it enlightenment capsules.

My wife decided to have a small get together at home this Christmas eve. As long as there is alcohol, Iam kinda okay with any kind of gathering. The day Mac Donalds introduces the Mac JD Splasher in its beverage section, is the day Iam going to start attending my sons birthday parties.

There are few things that is more tortureous than attending some ankle biters 3rd birthday do.

I should know.

We had thrown one for my son, and I lost half my friend circle, which for me is practicaly the whole lot. I have been thereupon , rather unsuccessfully, trying to convince my wife to celebrate only the significant years in our childrens' life.

Celebrate birth,after which the next party should be when the child is 5, after that give it a long brake and give the key to your apartment and your booze cabinet and leave the city for the child to celebrate his/her 18th birthday. 21 should be celebrated as a 'get out of the house' party.

4 parties. Out of which for 1 you dont even have to invite any of your friends. Think about how fondly you will be remembered.

There are few things in life that will mean nothing to you in the end but for which you have lived your life, than being remembered fondly.

Anyways, back to the Christmas party.

I like celebrating a dead man's birthday. I mean we have been doing it for the last 2009 years and who am I to change the tune? My theory in life is not to fix anything that isnt broken. I also have great regard for a man who held the job description for just 3 years , the result of which changed human history.For the better or for the worse is anybodys guess. You need to admire that. I do realize that if this man takes a look at how his words has been interpreted , he would nail himself down on that cross again.

Fuck religion.Lets get on with the party.

Wife had, very intelligently , invited an ecelectic group of known suspects. There was my elder brother and family, and then 2 other couples where the respective wives were my childhood family friends, which in India makes them my cousins.

For an Indian, a cousin denotes any relationship with a member of the opposite sex whose respective families are close. This is the term used for giving the said relationship an innocence that it might not always deserve.

One of my 'cousins' is married to a guy who does holistic healing ( Yep, you know the kind), the other is married to a guy who is in the Tourism business. Then there is my elder brother, who is fondly known in close circles as Atilla the Hun and his wife. Finally theres me and my wife. Iam leaving out all the kids because they are not important in a Christmas party other than being recipents of gifts.

Some where along the conversation steered towards the 2012 . The holistic chap is convinced that theres going to be a change because we are going into some sort of age. We are now in Iron age, which is not that great because quite sometime back we were in the Golden Age. Its almost like the Pakistan cricket team. Human kind has been declining. According to him , these few years are to force us to change. As you know nothing motivates change than the threat of total annihilation.

The tourism guy says that nothing will happen and the whole thing will be like the Y2K thingy ( remember that?). Holistic says that is an ostrich approach. Tourism says that is called hope. My elder brother thinks we should make a plan to celebrate the ending, because either way the party is bound to be a success.

My take is why bother?

Each day we get up not knowing if we are going to see the end of the day. Life is a fragile thing. Easily begotten , easily forgotten. However we choose to see life; as a gift or as an incident or as an accident or as a natural cause when all the necessary requirements are in place; the end result, we all know, is that this will come to an end. Iam not interested in this deathless part of us which we claim to exist because my knowledge of it is second hand. I know I exist. I also know that what I call I is a thinking,walking, talking ,breathing animated bundle that is a culminated result of everything around me.

Iam the result of you.

If it was possible to peel away the layers of influences, experiences, exposures then perhaps like an onion you might end up with naught. This bundle has an expiry date. It ceases to exist one day. Period. No after life for Tys. Whatever that exists after that, if at all it does exist, will not be tys.

So why bother?

You know what I will be doing on the day the world ends? The same thing as Iam doing today. Living it in a very ordinary way.

But for those who wants to be prepared, please go here.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A very merry christmas

I turned 41 sometime back.

Have you noticed how when you are in your teens, your future plans are in the span of 30 years or more?

By the time I reach 40s, I will be a millionare and would have screwed half the state of Kerala.

The planning years keep coming down as you age. In your 30s, it is about 15; by the time you hit 40s, you are down to 5. My cousin who is in his 50s confirms that it stays at 5 for him also. My father who is in his 70s says that for him it is about 1 year.

Age is inversely proportional to mortality, even the hope of it.

Did you hear about the new fad that is taking over the Dubai roads?

Its called chucking a live cat out of a speeding car.

Why would anyone want to do that? I mean this is cats we are talking about. They are as good as dead even when they are alive. The only signs of life I see in mine is when I pour Whiskas into its feeding tray.

How on earth does someone throw a cat out of a car? Actually dont answer that. In a world where rape and genocide exist, working out a system for disposing live cats out of automobiles will be a walk in the park for us.

Since another year is coming to an end, bringing the inevitable 2012 even closer, let me regale you with the random snippets of my life which has stood out among the utter ordineriness of my day to day existence.

I had told you earlier that I was caught by cop ( Iam not sure if he really was one, but he flashed me a badge which could have been an Airmiles loyalty card for all I know) for buying booze from Ajman ( where it is sold legally) and bringing it to my home in Sharjah ( where alcohol is prohibited). I had also told you that I was sure I was being scammed and therefore refused to bribe the said cop who there upon informed me that he can make life miserable for me by saying that I bad mouthedhis religion. Whereupon I requested him eagerly to lead the way to the nearest ATM.

Well, what I havent told you was that the same guy caught me another 2 times in the course of this year.

What can I say, Iam consistent.

The second time he caught me, I reminded him that this has occured about 1 month back and that he can have the JD but I will not give him any money. He then looked at me very closely ( we must all look the same ) and then recognition struck and he graciously let me off the hook with a warning.

The third time, I actually caught him before he caught me. I kind of saw him waiting so I stopped the car, got out ,went upto him and said hi. My son was with me and was impressed that I had a local friend. He was very uncomfortable and took off pretty fast.

I have never seen him hence.

Iam still drinking so I guess our path is bound to cross again. I think I will invite him home.

I did tell you that I had this bad case of a nerve disease with a long name. Well I went to the dentist for a dental xray he discovered that my molar was split down the middle. He treated it like some medical wonder since he had xrayed it a week earlier and have declared it as healthy. So he extracted it and kept it in a bottle. I have no idea what gets dentists off. What he didnt know was that I had been biting down hard to bear the pain that I ended up spliting the tooth.

Great news is that with no tooth there to bite down , I think the nerves felt a little betrayed. So nowadays when it makes it presence felt, I treat it like an old friend who calls in once in a while to say hi.

With indifference.

Philosophicaly I have hit rock bottom. The older I have become the more Iam beginning to realize how little I know. Stupidity is hard earned.

Greatest news I have heard in along time was that Harley Davidson has come to India. It has been a dream of mine to bike the whole of India on Harley with Mads. Looks like Iam one step closer to realizing that dream. Now all I have to do is make up my mind and make the time.

And perhaps inform Mads.

Life, I have come to realize ,is pretty good. Of course there is enough to crib about but there is also a shameful knowledge that you yourself got you here which helps curb any such venting. I have long ago let god and other such things off the hook for the state of things. How long can we keep finding scape goats for our own mistakes?

Talking about scape goats, Merry Christmas.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Show me the money! *

The craziest thing in the world is where , you give your money to someone to hold and then you pay him money everytime you want to take some of your money back from him.

There must be an ancient mallu proverb that wraps up the situation aptly but I would rather go with : What the fuck!

Welcome to the world of banking.

I had opened up an account with Mashreq bank in their easy saving scheme, which is a lot like tying up your saving in a sack and then dropping it into a well. There is no ATM cards, or cheque books. So the only way you can get at your money is by climbing down the well. In short, I will have to go to the bank and withdraw it personaly. Being a lazy bum, with a dire requirement to save, I decided that this is a great option.

So each time I wanted to dip into my honey pot, I had to go to the bank, write a slip and have the teller do a third degree on me to check my identity ( as if god would dare to make someone else in my image) , ending with some money in my hand.

It worked for me.

Thats untill a few days back.

I wanted to go skinny dipping in my honey pot again and was confronted with a sign in front of the cute teller that said the bank will be charging aed 100 for every withdrawal that is less than aed 9000.

This is to supposedly encourage people to withdraw using their atm cards.

Did I tell you that my account scheme does not provide me with an atm card? I did , didnt I? Now its like paying the ferry man after you die. Raw deal.

Tell you the truth I was amused. I first thanked the universe for finally giving me something to rant about, then I called forth the manager.

So, if I want to withdraw AED 100 from my savings, do I give the bank 100 dirhams and they give me 100 dirhams, or do they take my 100 dirhams and then thank me, leaving me empty handed and puzzled?

I dont know.

Anyways, to cut a long story short, I withdrew my entire savings. I think its wiser and probably safer to just keep it under my pillow.

Truth is I dont know much about the world of banking. I also think not many people in banking have any clue what the whole shit is about. I once spoke to my brother and he told me that money is no longer valued against a country's gold reserves. Infact the value of money today is based on what some guy in some bank decides it to be.

I dont understand money. As long as it can buy things Iam kind of okay with it. But each time I look at it, I cant help but wonder that , fuck, its just paper. All this fuss for something which actually will have no relevance if found by some alien archeologist 50 millions years hence.

I think, Zerco, these primates used to eat this. Thats why they have so much of it and every fossil we unearthed has this on them. This was their food.They survived on paper, which they made , perhaps more palatable by putting designs on them. Perhaps these design has some religious significance. The face of the primate on these papers, must be their way of imbibing the soul of their leaders each time they ate it. The numbers on it must signify their calorie content.

Hmmm, Chirco, I believe you have a point. Lets call these species, Paperophages. The paper eaters

Come to think of it, they wont be that far from the truth.

* The title is in honour of Tom Cruise who is currently in my city doing some Mission Impossible sequel. He should have just tried getting home every evening on Sheik Zayed Road.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Guess who?

Don't you just hate it when someone calls you and starts playing the guess who game?

On a good day, I don't remember names. The worst is when Iam forced to put a face on a name.

Parties are a nightmare. Apart from people I know intimately, names don't register. Wife says its because I don't care. Probably. But I think the reason is more simple. Its the drinks.

Its a total cut trip when someone comes upto you, while you are among friends in the midst of a great story that involves a stripper, your best friend and a hat, and starts indulging you in a full on conversation while you are trying to figure out who this intruder is.

You know him. He looks familiar. He seems to know everything about you. He even remembers your children's names. But you on the other hand could might as well be conversing with someone after a lobotomy.

You are now frantically looking for clues. You know that there will come a time when you will have to stop referring to his wife as wifey and his kids as kids ( does he even have kids?). Normally this is the time when I will do my distract and disappear act.

This involves grabbing my phone and saying "Oh Damn!" with a look of agony on my face and then rushing away from the scene leaving everyone confused.

Then I find my wife.

Does anyone really like going for these alumni get together? Whats with people and their intense need to connect with people from the past? Do you really want to know what that snot nose kid who used to sit behind you in class 5 is doing right now?

My school life acquaintances can be divided into two. Those who I have beaten up and those who have beaten me up. I don't want to meet either for good reasons. Nothing good is going to come out of it.

My problem is that I have studied in many schools. So I guess I haven't had the chance or the time to take any roots. Moreover I haven't felt the need to make any great friends. In fact if I strain my brain, I can remember only 3 names from my school. Joe : he was a good friend of mine and he was also related to a major crush of mine, Rekha : the crush , Leena : great legs.

That's it.

Is it only me or are there more like me who has no sense of nostalgia? I mean I have had a great life so far. Nothing much to complain about. But I don't look back at my school years and sigh. Neither do I look back at any point of my life and sigh. Iam sure there are more like me. Nothing is more annoying than sitting around and reminiscing about a period of life that you no longer belong to. Do you too feel completely unattached to the person you see in the photos? Do you look at that image of yourself and see it as another? No nostalgia. Nada.

So if I cant even remember myself from those days how on earth am I expected to remember a voice from the past? That too after 31 years?

I had a call yesterday from someone who said that we were in school together and then goes : Can you guess who this is?

How on earth am I supposed to figure out who the fuck it is when the last I must have heard him speak , he definitely wouldn't have had a baritone?

Then comes those clues.

'Do you remember 'kelavan' ? ( the word is Malayalam for old man and therefore must be some one's nickname but I still have no fucking idea what he is talking about), I used to hang around with him.'

'Do you remember that I used to shove pencil up my nose and pretend to be a walrus?'

'Do you remember Gigi? I used to sit next to him in class'


Now, Iam a very polite guy. I don't like being rude. But there comes times in my life I feel compelled to let people know that they are beginning to seem like the ones who takes their mothers out on a leash.

Its 31 fucking years ago man. Gimme a break.

Whats stopping you from calling a person up and saying , Hey, this is Robin, I used to study with you in school. I got your number from Joseph and was wondering if we can meet up.

Was that fucking so difficult?

Or do you just happen to enjoy 20 questions every time you call someone on the phone? Do you seriously believe that the person at the other end of the line is jumping up and down with glee at the very thrill of finding out who he or she is speaking to?

Do you seriously think you are that important?

Introduce yourself. Each and every time. There might be people whose life doesn't revolve around remembering you. Have the courtesy to let people know who they are dealing with.

Its nicer.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Blow Dry

When you stepped out your door , did you notice that the welcome mat needed a dusting? That the air was a little balmy and that cute neighbour had left her bedroom curtains open ?

Of course you did. You are a man.

Then why is that the wife's new haircut or her new wardrobe , just doest fall under that amazing radar which never misses anything of significance?

Its a mystery.

Whats with these girls and their haircuts and their feeling if you fail to notice it? Whats the big deal? How is that in any related to how you feel about them?

Imagine this :

Rose after letting go the frozen stiff Jack from the wreckage , watching him go down into the depths....thinking ; Bastard, he didn't say anything about my hair!

Yeah, Yeah, I know. You are doing it all for us and that it is insulting and humiliating when it is not even given a nod of acknowledgement. I actually get that.

But seriously. Next time , just jump us.

We are men. Getting our attention is the easiest thing there is. Especially for a woman. Just drop a pencil and pick it up. There , you have attention.

Being in a relationship with a woman is like a game of chance. You should never let her out of your sight.

'Cause you will never know what she will go and do, which then you will have to spot.

'Do you notice something different?'

Fuck! You let her out of your sight!

Ask any man, there are few words that when strung together , can make a man sweat.

Others are,

We need to talk

Do you think I look fat in this?


Iam a middle child. I know what lack of attention can do. I had once, at a tender age of 10, ran away from home, leaving behind, on the writing table, a note to my mother expressing my despair of being an unloved , unwanted child. I spend the whole afternoon in the mountains around my house, heart aching with glee over the agony my mother must be going through. Towards evening, hunger drew me back to the house.

There were no worried crowds outside my house. In fact it was peacefully quite inside the house. I went in to find my mother taking a nap. I could faintly hear my brothers playing among the cashew trees in our backyard. My lunch was on the table , covered. My note still lay on the table , unread. So I did the only thing that was left for me to do. I picked up the letter, tore it up and threw it in the kitchen stove fire. Then I sat down and had lunch.

Next time ,I decided, I was going to tie up and hide my younger brother in the mountains and leave a ransom note . Then become the hero by bringing him back home after about 2 days.

Attention, I had decided, needs drama.

So if its a haircut. Go full out. Make a statement. I promise you, we will notice.

What I dont understand is this. This is for you men out there.

When was the last time you had your woman say something on the line of , 'hey, you are looking way too cool in that suit babe' or ' I love what you have done with your hair' ? When has anyone told you why she is with you or why she agreed to have your baby?


Thats what I thought.

So, are you losing any sleep over it? Do you think she loves you lesser because she never says it?

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Then Why? I ask, why do you doubt our intentions, due to our inability to verbalize our feelings for you?

Don't you understand that the reason we don't notice the smaller , subtle things you do is because we are caught up in the glare of the larger you?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Gods must be crazy

Its Onam.

For all the non malayalees , who in my opinion are just people on the way to becoming malayalees, let me enlighten you on the origin of this festival.

Long long time ago, Kerala was ruled by an Asura named Mahabali. This was during the times of heavy caste system among the gods. Mahabali was a good king and was so loved by his people that, the gods became jealous since the people were pretty happy with the king and didn't need much from the gods. To make matters worse the guy was an Asura, whose role untill then was to give Brahmins headache, cause trouble to the gods, once in a while meditate and get great powers from the gods, who then gets a chance to come down to earth and kill the said Asura with the same powers that was given to him.

Gods ,when they don't have people clamouring all over them with petty needs and prayers, tend to become pretty cranky and petty. Just read your books.

So one of the big honcho who goes by the name Vishnu, came down to visit the king in the form of a dwarf. Why a dwarf? Beats me. This guy seems to have a major identity crisis and keeps visiting us in various guises. Maybe he just loves the get up. Who can blame him? He spends eternity lying on a snake with his wife at his feet. Enough to drive anybody nuts. I guess this comes under the label of entertainment.

Anyhow, the dwarf reaches the king, while the king is engaged in a yagna. Yagana was what our kings used to do. It basically kept our Brahmins employed and primarily consisted of polluting the air by pouring all sorts of stuff into a fire , while making noises in a supposed language only the brahmins understood. Why? I dont know. It was supposed to appease the gods.

So as was the custom, the king offered the dwarf a wish. The dwarf asked for 3 paces of land. The king was amused but agreed. Immediately the dwarf started growing in size. Somewhat like that Mallu child actress Baby Anju.



With his first step he covered the underworld and earth. That explains this guy's flattened face:

With the next step he covered the heavens. Since everything was kind of covered, Mahabali offered his head for the god to place his last step. Hence the famous mallu come back line when asked 'where?'. Ente thalayil ( On my head) or Ninte Thalayil ( On your head) or Avante thalayil (On his head)

So before stamping him down to the underworld, the god, being very pleased with the king, probably as a PR stunt, gave Mahabali the boon of coming and visiting his kingdom once every year.

So, to add insult to injury, after stomping down a great king who was loved by his people, for being an Asura, the god ensured that he gets to see the steady decline of his country and its people for a day every year.

Talk about a crappy deal.

But it kind of makes up for this:

The second greatest thing to have come out of Kerala.

The greatest is this :

(shakeela chechi)

Note : All actress,porn stars and underworld kingpins depicted here are fictionary and any resemblence to any living or dead characters are coincidental.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


A test.

What are the first thoughts that comes into your head when you see this guy?

Would you trust him? Is he nice? Is he the kind of person you can trust when you find yourself stuck in the lift with during a power cut? Is he someone you could depend upon? Can he be cunning? intimidating?

Gullible? vulnerable?

Can you figure out a person by just seeing?

Or is this person just seeking validation? Its possible.

Or is this person putting enough thoughts in your head to get the answers he knows he is going to get? Does he appear to be the kind of person who can manipulate you?

Is he bad? Is he good?

Does he look like the kind of guy you can be friends with? Friendship is a powerful thing. It has no expectation. Only acceptence. Will he reciprocate? Will he invest?

Can you see?

Is he vain? Is he tricking you? Is he covering all the gaps? Is he influencing your answers?

The real question is :

Can you judge a person by his words and his looks?

Now see this man:

His name is Joseph Merrick.

He was and always will be a better man.

Do we really see? Can we really see?

Imagine him being stuck in the lift with you.

Would you prefer me?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

More dust in your eyes.

It's the time of the year for retrospection. I have decided to include some fruits into my life. So for this month I have given up Jack Daniels and has taken up Vodka with Orange Juice.

I need the vitamins.

I have had the time to sit and reflect on many things. For one thing, being Ramadan, everything closes early. Which means that I reach home very early in the evening and have absolutely nothing else to do than watch my cat watching me. Somehow this time, Iam not particularly enjoying this being alone bit. Iam also beginning to get to know me a lot better. Iam not particularly liking myself a whole lot either.

Iam absolutely indisciplined.

This is very surprising. Considering that I have spend a larger part of my life in places where I had to follow orders. I used to shine in those environments. Put me in the army and I would become Rambo but take away someone who can show me what I can do, Iam like a dog in the park.

Normally I let my wife lead me. She tells me fetch and I fetch. When shes in the car with me, I just stop thinking. She has to even tell me the routes that we have travelled a thousand times before , much to her chagrin. I guess, given a chance, I can totally surrender living to someone else. My only problem is when others tries to influence my thoughts and words. Then I become rabid.

What I found out is that, if it wasn't for the fact Iam married, I would have destroyed myself long ago. Not that Iam doing such a great job of preserving myself now but I have slowed it down a bit. Like I don't mix my pills with my drinks anymore. Its a big step. Trust me.

I seem to love instant gratification. My life has no five year plans. Hell , it doesn't even have a 1 day plan. The maximum I can see forward is to the end of the day . I need to put something I enjoy at the end of that day, so that I can motivate myself to get there. I read somewhere that there are people trying to achieve this by reading books and paying self help gurus (!). Iam , what you call, living in the moment. In a semi daze.

I also cant seem to do anything that I don't like doing. I bet its the same with everyone, but the difference is that I don't do anything I don't enjoy doing. So if Iam doing something, Iam enjoying it; or trying it out to see if Iam enjoying it. If I don't , I will not do it and if Iam forced to do it for reasons beyond my control, I let everyone know that I hate what Iam doing. Iam very honest that way. This exasperate my wife but she somehow manages to deal with it.

Iam affectionate but not very demonstrative. I am scared of intimacy. I guess I was like that before. Iam not sure now. I was always scared that I will find someone who will coax me to reveal everything about myself to her only to have her pull the plug on me one day. It has happened to me before and I don't like being vulnerable. I have a tendency to protect myself because Iam a selfish, cold hearted coward when it comes to my emotional safety. I cannot afford to go down that road again. I almost didn't make it before. Iam also aware that this can be a self fulfilling prophesy. So loving me must be very tiring.

If left to myself, Iam inaction.( Isn't that word ironic? In action should mean being in action, yet it stands for an action less state).Most of my thoughts when Iam alone is about immediate requirements. My wife is aware of this. She knows that if Iam left alone, she will almost always find me in the same spot 3 days later. She drives me to action.

I don't mind.

Shes the one who normally will point out that I need to go and interfere when some boys are being harassed by security guards in a shopping center; or adopt three kittens that were going to put to sleep or pack food to drive to the railway station to feed an old lady or take on a potential eve teaser or visit a friend in the hospital or wipe out her savings to help someone. I need to be told. Otherwise I don't act. If I do, I do it without thinking and it doesn't register. She is the Rama to my Hanuman, the Draupadi to my Bhim, the Parvati to my Shiv.

Or the kick to my lazy bum.

She seems to have the road map and Iam just in it for the ride.

...and perhaps to change the tyre once in a while.

Its good to have a role in life I guess. Not that it really matters...but it helps.

I have this disgusting habit of mirroring.Which means that I have a tendency to mirror anything that's put in front of me. If Iam reading a book, Iam that book until the next one is placed in front of me. It could be a book, a movie, a person...It last only as long as it is in front of me. It leaves no trace when its removed. Iam not influenced, just merely reflecting. So most people tend to like me because I seem their type. Iam very good in becoming what ever it is you want me to be. My younger brother, I suspect, is aware of this. I bet he finds it amusing. I think the real me is silent and likes trekking;

.. if he can get over his drinking.

One more thing, isn't it amazing that all organized religions have become what they were fighting against? I guess when one looks the beast in the eye for too long, one risks the chance of becoming it.

Ramadan Kareem.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Plugging : Swayamvar 2010

Its that time of the year, I have to earn my keep in marrying into his family.

If you are in Bangalore and likes good theater, please do go for this. I will not be there but hopefully you might get to meet my muse.

Say Hi to her for me.

So here you go . I hope you enjoy it.

If you were able to make it, could you please return and tell me all about it?


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dont mind me, its just heat stroke.

I could never figure out these Arabs.

If I had oil and lived in a desert, I would have bought Switzerland ,named it UAE and moved my whole brood there. Perhaps send the Swiss down here to pump the oil and deposit the money into my account on a regular basis.

Will it still be called Swiss Accounts, I wonder?

Man its bloody hot here.

I got third degree burns on the bridge of my nose from putting on my sunglasses which had been left in the car. If you hang around parking lots in the afternoon, don't be alarmed to hear blood curdling screams every once in a while.

It doesn't help that Iam bald at the top of my head. Its like a landing site, trimmed all around the edges with short hair.

Somehow while watching Transporter I kind of came to the conclusion that I would like to have the hairstyle that was being sported by Jason Statham.

Now I look like a condom.

Iam one of those strange race of men who does not have any neck. My head is directly connected onto my shoulders. This means that when I wear a tie , I risk gagging myself. On windy days I also run the risk of getting chocked by my chest hair. Its not pleasant when your mouth is that close to your chest.

Thankfully Iam in shape.


My chest size is equal to my waist size which is equal to my height. Iam a bloody square.

Wife has gone to India for her annual sabbatical from me.

She will be back in a month's time , all rejuvenated so that I can spend the rest of the year crushing her spirit and destroying her beliefs.

Any how, I thought why not get into a more attractive shape while shes gone. So I got my dusty cycle out from amidst the other miscellaneous, unused exercising products which serves other functions than the one they are intended for; much like the expats who work in this country; and hooked it up behind my SUV.

My plan was to go cycling every evening in the Mushriff Park, followed by a swim in the park's swimming pool and then return home to dine on a Cup A Soup and then hit the sack.

In 1 months time, when wife comes home , shes going to be greeted by a rectangle.

The problem now is the 2 bottles of Jack Daniel that graces my booze cabinet.

Being a man who has a tendency to finish what he started, my ideal is keeping me back from striving for health.

The irony! Who would have thunk that being principled might probably kill me?

What am I saying? Sticking to your principles are the best way to get yourself out of the gene pool in today's world.

Oh well, I guess if I drink lots fast enough, I probably will be able to get into my fitness regime in the next 4 days. That's if my liver doesn't decide to do the Madeleine.

But man, its hot here.

Heat sucks.

How much do you think Switzerland cost?

I could never understand why people who live in hot places are dark. Black absorbs heat doesn't it? Why does god always get the basics wrong? First he goes and puts boobs on women...

I feel the whites should move to all the hot areas in the planet. Their skin will reflect off the heat. Iam sure nature intended all dark skinned people to live in colder places. We are biologically more suited for it since we will naturally absorb heat.

So what do you say? Wanna swap countries?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Snake in the Monkey's shadow.

There are things in the spoken words that I find irritating. Especially when its being used with reverence as some sort of answer to all problems.


Be tolerant of another's belief, they say. Live in tolerance of others.

Iam tolerant of my cat. I come to nearly killing it when I find it has used my cupboard as a nesting, thereby turning all my black clothes into tweeds. Iam merely tolerating it until it completes another 7 years and die of old age. If it uses its 9 lives, Iam fucked.

To me tolerating means living with it despite not liking it (Dang, that sounds like most marriages). This is somehow supposed to be the way to be. What the fuck!

My theory is don't be tolerant. Don't tolerate me. Know that neither you are me nor me you . If you don't understand me or what I stand for, that's fine. Its natural. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I don't understand you either. Iam fine with it. How about being nice to each other? How about ACCEPTING instead of EXPECTING?

Better, nah?


Whew, this one is really tough. I have seen this being thrown around all the time.

I cant stand my husbands side of the family. I think my mother in law is actually Indira Gandhi in disguise!

Compromise, dear.

Drunken husbands, cheating wives,conniving relatives...

Compromise dear, for the sake of the children.

Loss of individuality, depressions, feeling mired in?

Compromise , for the sake of stability.


You know the problem with a compromise? The problem still remains, only you have now from the role of a perceived victim became a martyr. Soon, you will need acknowledgement of your sacrifice. When that's not forthcoming ( why should it? since the problem is yours to begin with and the solution you have found is a burial of self), resentment will set in.

I have a problem with compromise.

I never compromise.

If it appears like I did, then I probably did it because the problem was bigger than me and I chose the chicken way out. I compromised because I had no other choice. I don't like it but I did it nevertheless. I don't expect a standing ovation for it.

Ideally, I think, there should never be a compromise in a relationship. Of course there will be. Its a relationship, nobody said it was easy. If you compromised for a relationship, then I will have to assume you did it because that relationship is important to you. But if that compromise is eating into you, building up as resentment, then you haven't compromised , you have buried. A compromise aims to beget a reasonably amicable solution for both parties. If its only amicable to one but not to the other, then its not a compromise, its a surrender of self for the sake of a respite.

In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little[1].

Please , for heavens sake, don't compromise if something is important to you. Just acknowledge its importance in your life . That should be enough. There is more than enough guilt in the world as it is with out further additions.

You probably don't agree. That's okay. We will work out a compromise and be tolerant of each others opinion.

See what I mean? Ridiculous isn't it?


Today I killed my facebook page.

Its actually pretty simple. They have a link ( google : Deleting Facebook account), where you log in your details and you are officially deactivated and after 14 days it no longer exist. Only hitch is that during this period, you are not permitted to go to your account. If you do, it gets activated again. Its a little like mercy killing. You are given a chance to chicken out.

I have never understood the reasoning behind letting the world know blow by blow account of your life. Then there are people you have avoided all your life wanting to become your friend. Yesterday I realized that I have more friends now than ever before and the worst part is that I don't even know most of them.

Theres a saying that an enemy of my enemy is a friend of mine. Here the case is any friend of my friend is a friend of mine.

How on earth is that supposed to work?

I really never did like Cobra ( I swear that's what he called himself. My college was a bloody zoo) . He could be St.Peter right now but as I recall him , he has made a girl stand underneath a rain water drain pipe in white salwar in the name of ragging. I refuse to forgive him. I know what he was when he had a chance to be different. He represents to me the staid, safe, docile society around me which turns into murdering, raping, mindless mob given half a chance.

He is not my friend but according to Facebook he is.

Hell, I cant even tolerate him.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Shot Nerves

The last week has been painful.

I had very kindly been the receptacle for an ear infection, donated to me by my son, which not satisfied by the damage it was doing there, decided to shift its focus to my middle ear and then take permanent abode in my facial nerves which resulted in a kind of pain , which can, I think, be described as having hot lead injected into my face; (not that I have had that done to me at any point of my life).

I can actually draw the position of all my nerves on the left side of my face. It ends underneath my second last molar on my left side which feels like a perpetual tooth ache.

Burning face with a tooth ache.

Its called Trigeminal neuralgia.

I have been showing off ever since. I have never had a disease with that many letters.

I don't think I have ever had this much attention since I broke my right fibula and tibia long time ago.

Theres nothing like good old pain to make you realize the futility of all preparation. Pain consumes you. Here are some of my findings found in the midst of pain.

- Pain lessens when one is held by someone you love.
- Pain experienced alone is frustrating and never ending.
- Here's the most pathetic truth : Another's validation or acknowledgement of your pain brings you some relief.
- Alcohol is a great pain reliever. Especially when administered orally.
- Pain brings out your innate emotion. Mine seems to be anger and sometimes laughter.
- Pain makes you realize how alone you really are.
- Pain makes you very appreciative.

All of the above are only reflections after the pain has receded. In its embrace, it consumes you. It brings you into a total focus of that pain. It is unrelenting. It makes you dance to its tune. It makes you smash the wall, it makes you want to curl up and cry.

Iam now on some very strong painkillers. Their effects last for a certain period of time. I almost feel like the incredible hulk. I know when the effects are wearing away and the next episode is going to start. I sometimes wait for it. Sometimes I let it come on thinking that I will able to take control of this one. I fall back on the pills all the time.

This got me thinking. Pain is a great deterrent. Iam sure we can find some practical application for it.

How about injecting a similar virus into the facial nerve of a person who wants to give up smoking or drinking or any such thing, which then will get triggered when one indulges in any of this. We will have to train the virus though. I wonder if we can genetically modify virus to do that. Iam sure we can. We do have evidence in the form of George Bush.

We can do similar thing to convicted rapist and paedophiles. Where they are in excruciating pain even if they look or think of a potential victim. Nah, on second thoughts, we should let the victims decide their fates. Pain is too soft for these guys. Bastards may probably like it.


The damn thing is going to be there for a long time. So I plan to get acquainted with it. Its easy to sit here and be very cheerful about it after being doped up with pain killers. Lets see how I feel in about 1 hours time when it starts to wear off.

That's another thing about pain;

It looses its edge in its remembrance.

Ask any mother.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Buy your own pack.

There are sheer moments of pure genius in religions that never stops to amaze me.

Today being one of those days when I have a little time in my hand , a smirk on my face and sheer evil intentions in my mind, let me burden you, my dear readers , with some of those characters who have changed the world and beyond with the most absurd of statements and had a whole bunch of idiots living and dying for it .

The 1st prize should definitely go to the chap who invented the caste system. Imagine the persuasive oral skill of the man to actually convince you to dig shit and then to make you believe that this is your god given duty to do so and finally to make sure that all your future generation does the same!

Give the man a standing ovation.

Then there is the bunch who is convinced that there are 40 virgins waiting for them in heaven if they strap a bomb and blow themselves along with some bystanders , if they call their insane activity Jihad.

Come on, this deserves the wave. All together now.

It never fails to amaze me how stupid we really are. When I need some cheering up,I just open the first available holy book . For 100 great stuff it says, there will be 50 of the most stupidest statements ever in it.

Deuteronomy 20:10-17 "When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. . . . This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby.

However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them—the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the Lord your God has commanded you."

To think, we are supposed to worship this guy. Hell, Iam better than him. What the fuck, my English Teacher in school, Mr.Beal , is better than him.

Ephesians 5:22-24 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

Now, we are talking.

Manu 111.14 " A Brahmin male by virtue of his birth becomes the first husband of all women in the universe"

Fuck me blue! Blanket agreement! No wonder these guys loved to be Hindus.

Manu IV.206 ' Sacrifices performed by women are inauspicious and not acceptable to god. They should therefore be avoided '

I knew it. God is a MCP. Welcome to the fold, buddy.

( more here : http://www.bhagwanvalmiki.com/manu-smriti.htm )

Personally I think this post should no longer be valid in today's world. Today we all know that religion is a man made culture aimed to suit ourselves at that specific time. It gets scary only when it is prevented from evolving with the population practicing it. Today the above seems amusing and unbelievable, yet these were the codes upon which generations lived and died.

I think religion should always be about people. Not of an unknowable god. We have used that excuse too many times to justify all the crap we have done in the past. God didn't will jack shit. We did.

So today I propose to you a new religion.

I call it Tysism.

Its mine.

You go and find your own.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Heart Locker

Ever said the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong possible way to your wife?

You have haven't you?

Apart from the house becoming as cold as the Arctic, theres also the silence that is so thick, that you walk around the house as if its filled with treacle. Whoever thought out that phrase: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', must have been one screwed mother fucker.

This post is your guide. Its your Hurt locker.

This is all about how to diffuse your pissed off wife.

Right in the beginning gauge your situation.

In order to diffuse anything, you need to completely understand the situation you are in.

You probably are now sleeping on the couch, so you have all the space you need to think and visualize your situation completely. Observe it as an outsider would. See your pathetic state devoid of feeling. Understand and accepts the facts. This will aid you later.

Fact 1 : You are screwed. This situation can go on indefinitely unless divinity interferes by making your infant fall down the steps and cutting her lips. The resultant emergency parental mode will provide you the opportunity to do the great heroic father act and pronto!, the episode is pushed into the background.

Diffuse idea no.1 : Push your child down the stairs.
Do this only if the child has not yet started speaking. The wrath of a mother is something you wouldn't want to find out first hand. It makes the fury thing seem like a round in the ring with Woody Allen.

Fact 2 : Everything you say is going to be used against you. This means that even if there was some amount of reasoning behind some of the things you had said in your argument , it is of no value right now. Try and recall the exact words that turned an amicable conversation into World War 3. Remembering that and avoiding that subject in all future conversation would mean the continuity of your nuts in its respected place .

Diffuse idea no 2 : Throw yourself down the stairs.
Hurt yourself. Totalling your car in the bargain is not a great idea.Avoid excuses like a bad head ache and any pain related to your stomach. Both are patented pains of a woman and theres no way yours are going to exact any sympathy. You need to go for something a tad bit serious. This will make the wife go on her mother/caring mode. You need to accept the caring gracefully, preferably with a bit of teary eyed appreciation ( pocking your own eyes when not being observed is a simple but effective way to get teary eyed fast). Don't overdo the teary eye bit, its really nauseating.

Fact 3 : If you are still reading this then you are aware of the silent treatment. You cannot break the women's code of silence. They decide when it should be called off. So your offhand make peace comment about the wonderful smell from the kitchen will only increase the duration of the silence. Do not , under any circumstance, feed the silence. When given the silent treatment, accept it. If you are not a believer in god, now is a good time to start. Prayers can give a man hope.Thing about silence is that it make a man feel guilty. With no apparent reason.

Diffuse idea no.3 : Throw her down the stairs.
Try not to make this serious. Cutting the break line is a bad idea, so is puncturing the gas line. It will be better to get her sick. Basically get her in a position for you to take care of her. Then go full out as if shes got only a week to live. Over do this. You will be forgiven.

Fact 4 : Truth is today's marriages are claustrophobic. In the olden days, a woman's energy could have been dissipated in varied other persons like the mother in law, sister in law, brother in law, nieces, nephews etc. The nuclear family has ensured that the husband and wife now has to get along with each other 365 days without a break. This is enough to make anyone go a little mad. So take consolation in the fact that even though it may appear that you are the cause of the problem,you are only a small part of a large problem. That makes you feel better, doesn't it? The world screws her over and you get the treatment.

Diffuse idea no.4 : Pretend partial amnesia.
Proceed with your life as if that particular incident did not happen. Go on as if you have no idea why she is changing the weather in the house. Whistle when you shave. Tell her she looks beautiful. Come back from work and tell her all about your lousy day.This will drive her nuts. Wives hate when the message they send out is not getting adequate responses. In this case proper grovelling and behaving like the dog that has bitten its master.She will be forced to bring it up with you and this is where you go :

eh? When was this? I have no memory of this? Are you sure you didn't dream this?

That is sure to confuse her. In about a years time, she will just think that shes crazy.

Fact 5 :Women are just guilt in skin. They are reared from childhood to be that way. We need to thank society , her parents , her relatives and men like us for bringing them up believing that the fault must lie with them. Bravo. Its easy to make them feel guilty.

Diffuse idea no. 5 :Kill off an imaginary friend.
With the amount of plane crashes and disasters around, theres a likely hood you may not have to make this up but if you are the sort of man like me, then the odds of the few you have dying by anything other than old age or liver related diseases are stacked very high against you. So kill off someone whose name sounds like someone you might know.Base your lie on some amount of truth. Study the dead friend in the face book. Be grief stricken . Start sobbing on the breakfast table. Don't reveal everything right away. Let it be wringed out of you. Remember the fact 5. She is going to feel dreadful placing her feelings above yours.

Fact no. 6 : All relationships are based on needs. Every single relationship is based on some sort of need or needs. There are no other kind of relationships. If you are in a relationship, theres a need thats being fulfilled. Even a seemingly unhealthy relationship is still maintained by needs. Nowadays we got fancy terms for it, like love, desire, passion, wants, security etc. These are all the same needs masquerading in different gears.

Diffuse idea no. 6 : Just say sorry and mean it.
Tell her why you said what you said.Talk to her. If she still chooses to continue the same way, accept the fact that for some it takes a little longer to regain themselves from hurt.

Be kind.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Great Indian Circus

I have been silent last week.

No. Really.

I took on this advanced course in art of living which involved maintaining silence for 4 days.

Is it just me or is there more out there who thinks that theres something weird about doing a 'course' in the art of living. Hell, if you breathe,you are alive, stupid.

Anyways. It was nice.

Saw a lot of butt cracks.

There should be a law against people doing yoga wearing low waist track pants and short t shirts. Silence doesn't help either.

Thing about art of living and Sri squared Ravi Shankar is that you get what you paid for. Its absolute value for money.They have an agenda and they need money for it and they are selling you the ticket to enlightenment. I like it. Its in some ways very honest.

The rich shall gain heavens and the meek will be the only ones remaining to inherit the earth. How poetic.

If you are an obnoxious ,anti religious, anti cult, anti social being like me, then all you need to do is skim away the guruji nonsense,learn the skills , thank the dude and move on.

I have nothing against people who walks around with a look like they are having their nether region tickled .

Truly I have nothing against this.

Each one to themselves.

But I understand this obsession with God men.

They seem to be the only ones who seems to be getting any action.

Thing is I have no idea why people are so bothered by this.

I have seen no job description of a Hindu god man that says that he cannot have sex. There is no commandments that states that the day one joins the saffron brigade, one has to curl up his ding dong and put up a Not In Operation sign on it. I dont understand the fuss. The clans in the Mahabharata started with the progenies of a Vyasa Munni.

I do know what the real problem here is.

You fuckers are jealous, aren't you?

You just cant stand the fact that there could be guileless , vulnerable women out there who will do it to you and still worship you, if only you were a god man. You are green with jealousy. You are incredible hulk green. You just cant stand it. No wonder you are ready to rip apart a man and a woman having consensual sex and the only problem you can find is that he is a god man. If you are going to use the argument that these guys are exploiting the vulnerability of these women, then I will kick you in your groin.

Which one of you fucks has not used the vulnerability of a woman?

We are constantly exploiting vulnerability. Each time you on the TV your vulnerability is being exploited. The marriage that you hold so dear is vulnerability being exploited.Your religion, your politics, your relationships, your roles as parents, your status as a child are all thriving on exploitation of the said vulnerability. So boo hoo to your crocodile tears for the vulnerable woman in the man's bed.

So admit it. Go on. You are so fucking jealous.

But if your are into orgy, then you need to become a politician.

Ask Tiwari

Personally I think we should give this guy a standing ovation.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The great escape

Nothing is more irritating than a middle aged friend of yours who has turned a new leaf.

Whats with these morons who has a minor heart problem and the next thing you know, the guy is eating like a cow instead of eating a cow and has given up the finer things in life like a good glass of scotch and smokes. Why would anyone want to live a life like that?

Die , you bastard , die.

Worse than that guy is the romantic husband .

These fakers should be lined up against the wall and shot.

No man who is happily married is romantic to his wife. Show me a guy, who writes notes to his wife , gives her flowers every morning ,whisper mushy nonsense in her ears and holds her hand in public; and I will show you a man who is creating a smoke screen to cover a guilt.

Men who are content in their status as husbands are not romantic. Romance is a mean to attain the woman. Once the woman is attained we go about providing and protecting. We see no need to waste time on repeatedly pretending to attain something that is already attained. Any married man who is romantic is an insult to his wife. It means either he is still wooing you ( which means he is not secure in your love for him) or hes cheating on you .

Allow me to elaborate.

Men don't talk to other men about their wives when they meet up. We don't sit and chat about how great our married lives are or what a great lay our wives are or what great cooks they are.

We don't.

We don't talk about you. We don't talk about the state of our marriage amongst ourselves ( we save that for another man's wife). Contrary to popular myth, men don't discuss sex when they get together.

Watch out for that guy who waxes eloquence about his married life. That man is not happy in his marriage. He is just trying to convince himself that he is. Men hate men like that.We pity them. We wish he would shut up so that we can carry on our conversation about our cars.

We love our cars. We treat our cars better than we treat ourselves. We service our cars at regular intervals, wash it regularly, spend pots of money on it but we probably will never give that kind of attention to ourselves. Why? This is how men love their possession.

Marriage means to belong. It means to possess. It means you will always come before us. So the day you start cribbing about love being about freedom and craves for the ridiculous non possessive love (wtf?) , we start paying more attention to our cars.

A loving man owns his wife. That's how he relates to his wife. That's what makes him your husband. Marriage is ownership. Each owns the other. The difference is in the ways we treat things we own.

Women somehow never seem to be happy with one pair of shoes do they?

So there you have it.

How to know if your husband loves you?

He will not talk about you. He will not waste money on buying you flowers and guilt gifts.He will take you for granted.He will treat you like his car.

So if your hubby is the sort who makes other men gag , then I suggest , its time you start checking his collars and ramaging through his pant pockets.

Maybe I dont have to line up and shoot 'em after all.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lost & Found

One of my blogger friends called today to tell me that her ex has lost his mother.

I curbed my first instinct to ask her, 'where?'.

Years of married life has taught me to be polite and the art of pretending to care.

After going on for sometime about the suffering of the poor woman, she consoled herself by telling me that she must be in a better place ( Not my blogger friend,who is still alive, so she must have been referring to the 'lost' woman).

I have a problem when people tell me things with certainty about things they possibly can have no clue about.

Better place?

Let us go with the popular assumption that we are all some sort of energy expressing our self. In which case the body is the vessel through which we choose to do this expression.

With me so far?

Since the body to a large part is a sensory device, this world we see around us then must be perceived through the functions of our senses. More or less. So it stands to reason that when we die; if this energy actually exists and this energy is what you and I really are; then devoid of the body everything around us will cease to exist because we cannot perceive it anymore. Its not that it does not exist but it just cannot be perceived anymore. This should be death. Right?

Actually it cant be that simple. But it sounds nice because it ties everything up very nicely. Problem is , will we be able to perceive us as our self? Possibly not. Without a reference point, which the duality of body and soul concept conveniently provides, I cannot point to one and say this one is me. Therein , my friends lies the paradox of death. For all practical purpose, it seems that with death, you and I cease to exist.

Better place? I have no idea. I cant even my bend my mind around the concept of a world without perception. You try it.

My friend thinks Iam cold. Iam not.

She thinks Iam morbid. Iam not.

She feels the dead should be respected because life is sacred and a person's death leaves a void. That effect of a person's life on another should be respected.

You think? I have no idea.

I dont know this person. Neither does my friend.Atleast not intimately. Any void she must feel is probably self induced. In this virtual voyeuristic world, where one can be kind to a nation by swiping a card, its probably self satisfying to assume that we care because we can shed tears in front of the TV screen.

We care.

Iam not belittling anything. Emotions are emotions. But lets be realistic. I certainly didn't lose my sleep when a plane went down and 96 people died.Some one's parent, husband, wife, brother, son, daughter..what have you. The only void they must have left is in the thoughts and life of those whose life was intertwined with theirs intensely. That void too will fill up.Eventually. The dead are carried only by the living. Like Siva carrying the body of Uma until the rotten carcass fell piece by piece on earth. Dead do not leave any void. The void is in the living.

As for respect. The dead don't seem to care too much for it.

So my question, my friend, still remains :

Where did your ex lose his mother?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

i cad

I bought my laptop in 2006. My mobile phone is around 4 years old too. I think the tech savvy part of my personality died around the same time.

I think I just gave up trying to keep up.

My current plan is to wait it out and see all the new fads come and go until we develop a technology that will make us Omnipotent, where we become part of the cosmos and each part of us is aware of the action and thought of another.

Who needs Apple ipad after that?

The only competition will be from heaven.

How cool is that? I can just picture the advertisements. On second thoughts, it wont be necessary since I would have already known it by the time they had conceived it.

Iam a potato and gravy kind of a guy. I have never been that into gadgets.It could also be due to my low IQ which cannot process the instruction manual that comes along with those gizmos. My first mobile could be used as a dumbbell but its functions were simple; you press the required numbers, talk on it and then press another button to disconnect. I still don't know most of the functions of the one I own now. Its 4 years old but I heard it can replace my wife if I had bothered to read the manual properly.

I like gadgets. I like that it exists. I may not like to own it. Since owning it will mean having to learn to operate it. My learning curve went south when I was around 10 and its showing no signs of returning anytime now. But I like that there are things out there which can take a Britney up skirt picture, help Paris improve her nocturnal moves, record ex presidents make racial slurs, calculate the exact date when the banks will put us on the streets, listen to the latest about Fergis' lovely humps, watch the latest beheading from the Islamic independent movie makers , google 'nude muscled chicks' and call the supermarket to send home 5 sodas and a packet of Marlboro lights for the evening session with JD.


I like progress. I have no idea where we are headed but its great to know we are moving. Its a heady feeling. This thing called movement. I like to think that progress means theres some sort of movement involved. That we are all going towards something. Heading towards the end of the rainbow or something. Iam pretty optimistic about things. Even though Iam in the cheering squad for the 2012 deluge, I still feel theres something beautiful being concerned about something so simple as wanting to google 'naked muscled chicks' on a gadget that floats to the ground should you happen to drop it.

My workmates have been trying to convince me to buy a blackberry.I don't even want to know what that one does. If it makes jam, Iam willing to give it a try. I wanted to go in for a Wii Fit. I thought that if I can lose a couple of pounds playing video games then I should give it a shot. But technology had brought sports indoors. If I wanted to sweat I would have had sex you fuck face.

I have to go now. Its a long drive back home and I think I will listen to the radio like I always do. Theres an element of surprise in a radio. You never know whats going to come next. I like radio.I like drives.I like long winding roads leading home.

Happy Easter.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

More on knots..

People have often wondered why I incessantly talk about marriage.

Actually they don't ,but I would like to believe what I write here is read by millions ,sparking global debates and that there are millions waiting with bated breath about my wise opinions on current matters.

Truth could be less flattering, Iam sure. For all I know, Iam probably as insignificant as the blond pubic hair on the nonexistent panties of Paris Hilton.

Thing is, I have always felt that marriage is one relationship that needs tending. Every other relationship ,you are more or less stuck with irrespective of your thoughts or opinions on it.Friendship not included but see what can happen to that when you put conditions on it that needs your signatures. Marriage is a different matter all together. It requires constant shifting, nudging, positioning, pushing, pulling etc to finally find a comfortable coexistence.Commitment to a relationship does not need a law, it only requires a want. Marriage is , to me at least, a companionship made legal.

Theres something wrong with that.

The moment something like this is made legal or made to fit in with some rules and regulation, the whole thing ends up becoming a game.

A game you either win or lose.

I think this is why all most all marriages don't survive and the ones that does are the ones where one of the partner is beaten down to level of nonresistance or absolute indifference.Then there are the ones who has fought themselves to a stalemate, where theres a functional coexistence without feeling. The few that does blossom into beautiful relationships are the ones who don't care if they were married or not. The marriage is not their focus. The relationship is. Marriage is man made. Relationships are choices.

Marriage , like any law made by man has average people behind it. The reasoning behind any law is always fear. Let me explain how it all began.

In the beginning was our Neanderthal ancestor ,Err.

A handsome hunk of a specimen, who also towered 2 feet above his average male peers. He was the terror among the saber tooths to whom he became akin to a bogeyman when putting their long fanged cubs to sleep. It came as no surprise that he had the females of the herd (his own kind not the sabertooths', but it would not surprise me if proven otherwise) bending over backwards at the sight of him.Such was his stature among his herd that he, very obviously ,evoked intense jealousy and suspicion from his average brethren.

Since average is always the majority, one of the most average among the lot, who was known as Forr, who had the hots for a neanderthal lass called Eve, decided to call in the council of averages to protect themselves against the valour and might of Err and others like him. He had also noticed that its just a matter of time before Err notices Eve and then all will be lost for Forr who will then have to be satisfied with the pleasures that his opposable thumb can provide.

The council put their simian heads together and came up with the idea of marriage. This way their rights over their women was guaranteed .The majority can ensure that the rules of engagements are carried out by threats of punishments, outcasting etc. The average man does not have to compete with the alpha male nor the average female compete with super Eves. So who cares about the evolution and that the future generations will be spawns of averages. All Forr cared was for Eve.

Thus marriage was born.

Like the saying goes,

To Err is human but to Forr Eve is divine.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I want to believe

I have been awarded.

By Hip Grandma none the less!

For a guy who has spend most of his educational years, ( I use that term very loosely) standing on the bench or outside the classroom, this is a great deal for me. This means at the age of 40, teachers are finally beginning to like me.

My mother will be so proud of me.


Here are the required 7 little known things about me. (Does this mean I should write 7 little known, things about me or 7 little , known things about me? Thing is tags like this makes me realize how little there is to me. I would like to believe that my life has been an open book. There are not many skeletons in my closets that can come back to haunt me. Here's the trick to discourage potential blackmailers, don't do anything that you have to hide from yourself and if you did, then don't care if anyone finds out. Theres more to life than being held accountable by others for the mistakes you make in your own life. Come to think of it, it seems like a mistake only when you consider an other. Without another, there are never any mistakes, only events.

- Iam quite. Really. In the intervals between my ranting theres nothing really happening in my head. Even when I speak its almost spontaneous.So being afflicted with foot in the mouth syndrome is to a large extent a malady. This is not some thoughtless stage. You are the some total of your thoughts.Not meant in a philosophical sense but when you think about it, you are. You are a bundle of memories of events and actions. I bet you cant feel for that child when you look at your baby snaps. You remember him but you are not him anymore.I don't connect with my past. It always seemed as if it happened to someone else. I recall it , remember it but there are no great emotions attached to it. It seems to be just was.

- Rejecting things and ideas comes naturally to me. It also helps being undisciplined. Iam not blessed with the faculty of learning from an other. It seems to also help that I dont blame or is grateful to something other than myself. I have made many choices that might seem like mistakes to others but I feel that it was somehow required to make me what Iam today... a completely stupid man.

- Iam not ambitious. I have no competitiveness in me. You want to win, go ahead. I have never tried to be better than anyone. But I do enjoy doing the best I can but most of the time I don't. I probably use about 20% of what Iam capable of but I don't care. There seems to be no point in using the remaining 80% apart from proving it exist. Its also wonderful that it only requires minimal effort to survive this life.

- Iam persistent. Iam like that Hockey masked guy from Halloween. I keep coming back. I can keep getting up no matter how much Iam beaten down. There must be a real masochistic streak in me. I normally see things through.Iam very stubborn.I do things my way. I cannot take orders. I just don't. If I ever do, it will be with real resentment and it will come through one day.

- I have spend a day in jail during my college days. I got beaten up the whole night by 2 cops who wanted me to sign an FIR they had written of things I have never done. I never did sign it. Refer previous point.

- Iam not an easy person to be with on a continuous basis. Ask my wife. Iam OK in small doses. Kinda like tequila shots.

- Iam not here.I think I died in 1996.

Iam not tagging anyone in particular but I would advice anyone reading this to take it on. It kind of gives you an opportunity to indulge in yourself. The best part will be trying to believe it yourself.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Check out any time you like but...

I have a friend who is recently divorced.

I like the guy but if he doesn't stop flaunting his suddenly acquired bachelor status, I will probably have to accidentally drop the bowling ball on his tender regions the next time we go blowing.

Please don't attribute my seemingly violent reaction to a case of jealousy. Theres hardly anything worth being jealous about a guy who no longer has someone to tell him when to stop his sojourn with the bottle and eat his food.Without a woman by his side, a man is like a loose cannon; aimless, reckless and carefree. How can any normal married man be jealous of something like that?

Give me marriage any day.

Being committed is what marriage is about. Iam aware that being committed is something one normally associate with suicide and institutions the like of one flew over the cuckoos nest. But Iam not afraid. I like being married.

Whats with a recently demarried person that makes him such an in your face dating machine. Aren't these guys required to at least have a decent period of mourning accompanied with lying in the gutter drunk,with at least an acceptable level of suicidal tendencies? I feel its vulgar to be so damn happy about cutting ties with a burden that you have promised to love for life so help me god.

One day he landed up at my place to borrow my knapsack because he wanted to go on a backpack trip to Dharmashala. I like my knapsack. I have full intention to use it one day. I like surrounding myself with things that represent a healthy lifestyle. Its all about visualization. You will know if you have ever bothered to read the book 'The Secret'. My wife says that Iam out of shape. I don't think so. Iam very much in shape. It may not be her conventional idea of a shape but its a shape nevertheless.


So this guy takes my knapsack and goes. Later on I find out through the desperate housewives gossip vine of my friends that he has taken off with a girl. I don't understand. When you decide to annul your divine contract, I thought the last thing you would want is a female company. What is it about a human that makes him repeat the same mistakes again and again? Or is female company more pleasurable when there are no contractual agreements attached to it? I don't know. I love being married.

I have always thought that man invented marriage for free sex,housekeeping and food. If he thought he had it made, Iam afraid he was way off his intended goal. Sex is the first to be sacrificed in the altar of marriage. As for food, unless you happen to be Tiger Wood, your survival is a necessity for your wife. Theres a probable chance that somewhere along the way your diet is going make you wonder if you should get up in the morning and moo. But ask any married man and he will tell you that he wouldn't have it any other way. No. We are not scared. We are just deliriously happy.

Ever noticed how contagious marriage is? I remember when I was just out of college and working, one of our classmate got hitched. Within a week, another 2 got married. By the end of the month the number had increased to 20. It was like being in the midst of the 13th century black plague. By the end of 2 years only about 3 remained. They had some sort of immunity. Since misery loves company, we , the espoused, would spend hours at parties extolling the wonderful institution of marriage to these 3 pagans untill it dawned to us that we were casting pearls before swines. They were gay.

Now that gay marriages are permitted, I don't think they will survive the infection long. Eventually we all seek to anchor ourselves.

Then there are these anomalies. The ones that has broken away from the society established method of documented love. We see them at our parties. We notice their high pitched laugh. We condemn the fact that they are the last to leave a party and when they do they have a member of the opposite sex driving them home. We notice that there are no bags under their eyes ; they sleep through the weekends.

We notice. Inwardly we feel immense pity for these lost sheep. We invite them home for them to get an inside view of a joyous union. We encourage them to play with our children. We hope that somewhere , when junior pukes over their polo t-shirt, a paternal/maternal spark will be ignited. We let them bathe in the glorious light of our divine communion. We hope that we will be able to save their souls and lead them back to the light.

We like being married.

In the meantime, I want my fucking knapsack back.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love the one you with.

I really love it when science catches up with what I always knew.

Despite being a modest sort of fellow, I would like draw your errant attention to a study that has been done in some country where people can afford to spend money and time on such important things other than on mundane stuff like hunger and poverty.

The case in point is about parenting.

Considering that we have been at it now for close to a couple of 10,000 years, we would think that we would have got the hang of it by now.

Apparently not.

The new study shows that loving your spouse and paying attention to your marriage is more conducive to having your children grow up to be balanced, happy individuals. In short, if you love your children, fix your husband a drink. Preferably wearing spandex.

I always knew this. Its like other things I know. Like that god died in 1546, in a landslide off the coast of Hawaii when he was on vacation with Venus, and his body was never found. One day they are going to dig deep enough and find that body and the world is going to go: Ah, Tys told us so!

But in regards to parenting, I believe that Iam an expert. It comes from being in a position to observe. My wife does the running around,slapping her head in frustration bit etc while I watch and learn. As you are aware , in order for true wisdom, you need to distance yourself from the activities. The distance gives you a 360 degree perception. Laziness also helps.

I have noticed that today's parenting is mostly what has been aptly termed ; by the same people who gave us 'window of opportunity', 'weapons of mass destruction' and 'misunderestimate'; as helicopter parenting.

This is where the said parent hovers around their child/ren, ensuring that they are safe, protected, loved, isolated, bubble wrapped and made ready to face the world.

According to the study this raises a generation of adults who are neurotic, selfish, anxious and depressed. I know it sounds like the general description of a normal human being but this can be changed.

How you ask?

By loving your spouse. This creates an environment of a stable loving relationship that provides a nurturing ground for children who watches and learns the values and ideals of human interaction and relationships, which is what living in a society really requires.

This is why people in Bombay are loving people. ( Note that I didn't say Mumbai, and I wont be out there trying to kill you if you prefer calling Thiruananthapuram, Trivandrum.)

In the majority of Indian homes , which consists of a single room, parental loving is a disturbing reality for its children. So we grow up ,wanting to barf at the mention of sex due to the memory of our loving parents, but nevertheless, balanced and a shining role model of an ideal human being. This is also why we boast of the largest number of people who prefer to become celibates and god man. Nothing kills good old sex than your parents and god.

So, to all the parents out there, next time the ankle biter fails in his 1st grade exams, or falls and grazes his/her knees in the play ground; drop everything , grab your spouse and kiss like theres no tomorrow.

This is what the world needs now. If not for anything, lets do it for our children.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Loo Chat

There are only 2 types of people in the world.

Those who read in the loo and those who don't.

Iam of the former and it gladdens my weary heart when I go to a house and finds that the occupants have some well thumbed books in their loo. Theres comfort in books when you are doing your business. Knowledge through one end and disposal through the other. Theres some kind of poetic beauty in the whole thing.

Of course there are those who disagree. They find it disgusting.

Disgusting!? You are okay with taking a bath in the same place, your tooth brush is also exposed to your poo fumes if that's what you are worried about. Pray tell me, how ,in all that's holy, is reading a book in the loo disgusting?

Has anyone ever wondered where all that currency you hold in your hand has been? Trust me , you will be doing a Lady Macbeth if you knew.

Being an Indian, I have heard the weirdest reasons not to read in the loo.

Books are supposedly Saraswati.

The Goddess of Knowledge.

You generally don't take a lady to the loo with you. Going with the kind of stuff I have seen on the Internet, I guess this cannot be termed as a rule but taking Saraswati to the loo is bad news. You will probably be reborn in your next life as a lice on Yul Burner's head.

But come on; how long can someone stare at the tiles? What do people who don't read in the loo do? Apart from doing do do? Ever wondered about the origin of bathroom graffiti? Give a man a pen, a loo and 15 minutes and he either becomes a poet , artist or Larry Flynt. Give him a book.

I come from a glorious line of bathroom readers.If it wasn't for our bowel movements, we would have had the IQ of Paris Hilton.

A special thanks should also go to John Harrington, who invented the western style toilet. There was something very ungraceful about the times prior to that when combined with a book. I shudder to think back at those days.

The reason why I honour this practice today is due to a visit we had from some friends of ours some time back . One day after they had settled in and over a glass of Chablis, they revealed to us that they felt right at home when they noticed the books in the loo.

I had never realized. I wanted to throw my arms around them and cry with joy.

Soul mates.

What I love about reading in the toilet is that you read in small doses. Its a lot like the Atkins Diet. You think you can eat all the meat you want but you really cant eat too much meat in one sitting. Iam reading 'Lets Kill Gandhi' which is a monster of a book .A book like that in normal situation would intimidate me but in the loo it becomes something like a husband who is gradually disposed off by the arsenic wielding wife.

Now here's the question of the week.

Which is the best book to be read in the loo?

(Life and other such nonsense is not yet out so it doesn't count)