Thursday, May 20, 2010

Heart Locker

Ever said the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong possible way to your wife?

You have haven't you?

Apart from the house becoming as cold as the Arctic, theres also the silence that is so thick, that you walk around the house as if its filled with treacle. Whoever thought out that phrase: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', must have been one screwed mother fucker.

This post is your guide. Its your Hurt locker.

This is all about how to diffuse your pissed off wife.

Right in the beginning gauge your situation.

In order to diffuse anything, you need to completely understand the situation you are in.

You probably are now sleeping on the couch, so you have all the space you need to think and visualize your situation completely. Observe it as an outsider would. See your pathetic state devoid of feeling. Understand and accepts the facts. This will aid you later.

Fact 1 : You are screwed. This situation can go on indefinitely unless divinity interferes by making your infant fall down the steps and cutting her lips. The resultant emergency parental mode will provide you the opportunity to do the great heroic father act and pronto!, the episode is pushed into the background.

Diffuse idea no.1 : Push your child down the stairs.
Do this only if the child has not yet started speaking. The wrath of a mother is something you wouldn't want to find out first hand. It makes the fury thing seem like a round in the ring with Woody Allen.

Fact 2 : Everything you say is going to be used against you. This means that even if there was some amount of reasoning behind some of the things you had said in your argument , it is of no value right now. Try and recall the exact words that turned an amicable conversation into World War 3. Remembering that and avoiding that subject in all future conversation would mean the continuity of your nuts in its respected place .

Diffuse idea no 2 : Throw yourself down the stairs.
Hurt yourself. Totalling your car in the bargain is not a great idea.Avoid excuses like a bad head ache and any pain related to your stomach. Both are patented pains of a woman and theres no way yours are going to exact any sympathy. You need to go for something a tad bit serious. This will make the wife go on her mother/caring mode. You need to accept the caring gracefully, preferably with a bit of teary eyed appreciation ( pocking your own eyes when not being observed is a simple but effective way to get teary eyed fast). Don't overdo the teary eye bit, its really nauseating.

Fact 3 : If you are still reading this then you are aware of the silent treatment. You cannot break the women's code of silence. They decide when it should be called off. So your offhand make peace comment about the wonderful smell from the kitchen will only increase the duration of the silence. Do not , under any circumstance, feed the silence. When given the silent treatment, accept it. If you are not a believer in god, now is a good time to start. Prayers can give a man hope.Thing about silence is that it make a man feel guilty. With no apparent reason.

Diffuse idea no.3 : Throw her down the stairs.
Try not to make this serious. Cutting the break line is a bad idea, so is puncturing the gas line. It will be better to get her sick. Basically get her in a position for you to take care of her. Then go full out as if shes got only a week to live. Over do this. You will be forgiven.

Fact 4 : Truth is today's marriages are claustrophobic. In the olden days, a woman's energy could have been dissipated in varied other persons like the mother in law, sister in law, brother in law, nieces, nephews etc. The nuclear family has ensured that the husband and wife now has to get along with each other 365 days without a break. This is enough to make anyone go a little mad. So take consolation in the fact that even though it may appear that you are the cause of the problem,you are only a small part of a large problem. That makes you feel better, doesn't it? The world screws her over and you get the treatment.

Diffuse idea no.4 : Pretend partial amnesia.
Proceed with your life as if that particular incident did not happen. Go on as if you have no idea why she is changing the weather in the house. Whistle when you shave. Tell her she looks beautiful. Come back from work and tell her all about your lousy day.This will drive her nuts. Wives hate when the message they send out is not getting adequate responses. In this case proper grovelling and behaving like the dog that has bitten its master.She will be forced to bring it up with you and this is where you go :

eh? When was this? I have no memory of this? Are you sure you didn't dream this?

That is sure to confuse her. In about a years time, she will just think that shes crazy.

Fact 5 :Women are just guilt in skin. They are reared from childhood to be that way. We need to thank society , her parents , her relatives and men like us for bringing them up believing that the fault must lie with them. Bravo. Its easy to make them feel guilty.

Diffuse idea no. 5 :Kill off an imaginary friend.
With the amount of plane crashes and disasters around, theres a likely hood you may not have to make this up but if you are the sort of man like me, then the odds of the few you have dying by anything other than old age or liver related diseases are stacked very high against you. So kill off someone whose name sounds like someone you might know.Base your lie on some amount of truth. Study the dead friend in the face book. Be grief stricken . Start sobbing on the breakfast table. Don't reveal everything right away. Let it be wringed out of you. Remember the fact 5. She is going to feel dreadful placing her feelings above yours.

Fact no. 6 : All relationships are based on needs. Every single relationship is based on some sort of need or needs. There are no other kind of relationships. If you are in a relationship, theres a need thats being fulfilled. Even a seemingly unhealthy relationship is still maintained by needs. Nowadays we got fancy terms for it, like love, desire, passion, wants, security etc. These are all the same needs masquerading in different gears.

Diffuse idea no. 6 : Just say sorry and mean it.
Tell her why you said what you said.Talk to her. If she still chooses to continue the same way, accept the fact that for some it takes a little longer to regain themselves from hurt.

Be kind.


Jules said...

I love this line: Both are patented pains of a woman and theres no way yours are going to exact any sympathy.

You are a smart man, and funny too. This post was really quite funny, but I'm glad you ended it the way you did. At least I won't be needing to give you the silent treatment. ;OP

Sankoobaba said...

but should the sorry come as soon as the silent treatment starts .. or let it stew a bit and then utter sorry??

Liza said...

You are unbelievable !! I never thought we (women) are this easy to readhmm especially the guilt part

Raja said...

Very well-researched paper. But I have an observation here.
A 'sorry' works neither for a gf nor for a wife, certainly not for both of them at the same time.
One very common way to get out of the situation is to irritate her with some childish (oh so innocent) pranks to the extent that she says/does something bad. Then you may pretend to sulk a bit till she agrees to call it even.

Poornima said...

Not content to have the Ice clinking away in your glass, huh Tys?? Looks like youre DETERMINED to have it under you in the morgue. :-) :-)

Build Muscle Burn Fat said...

If not the best, this is one of the best movies I have seen

--xh-- said...

after a long time, I wrote a blog today, and I am reading a blog - man, I do really missed this place. I think i will be borrowing few leaves from this post ;)

Nags said...

heh. funny.

Neena said...

Wonder what brought this on. From crowing about marital bliss to sinister plottings of Lemony Snicket kind, just to counter a silent treatment. Tcha, say sorry and be done with it man. We women are easy to mollify.

Loved it though...wicked and funny!

pallavi said...

Awesomely written!!you must have executed the last rule:)))))).

Phoenix said...

I think you need to put a disclaimer that - for best results, do not try out solutions in chronological order. :)
And secondly, think through your lie. If you're caught lying....

Sonia said...

Omg, I was thinking "You are evil" when I was reading thru this post and when I read Idea #6, I went Awww..So was this how you spent your time (writing the post)when your wife was giving you the cold shoulder hehee...Btw my husband totally implements idea #4 and Yes, it drives me insane to the point I start screaming and crying at the same time and I am sure look the main idiot even if its all his fault!

Suma said...

:) :)

sense of timing, tys, sense of timing!! that's all there is to it

[pssst...madhu, lets go buy that new stuff you were talking about :)]

Aarthi said...

I think the 6th option is the best and I prefer my hubby to do that !!

AMIT said...

I wanna see Hurt Locker movie. I think the story line is good.

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humbl devil said...

Diffuse idea no.4 rox!!

so has the ice melted???

Tys on Ice said...

@jules : what can I say? Iam a pushover

@sankoobaba : u need to stew a while...its kinda the expected stew for sometime before the sorry

@liza : nothing cud be further from the truth...its that u are easier to agree with anyone u percieve to validate u...u r just amazingly well trained.

@raja : ahh...the old turn table trick...nice.

@poornima : wht to do girl, I live dangerously..

@build muscles : u know something? I have a feeling we are on different pages here...what movie?

@xh : yep...we married men shud stick together

@nags : heh. thanks

@neena : for a petty sorry, u guys sure do work up a storm..

@pallavi : u bet...there hides a major chicken liver inside all this seeming manliness..

@pheonix : its my theory that u shud never lie if theres even a slim chance that u will be caught...better to pretend not to understand...wht was the question again?

@sonia : that last one was put in there for the aawww factor..ur husband sounds like the kind a guy i wud drink with....

@suma : that was cryptic woman...iam too afraid to even ask what that meant..

@aarthi : yeah i bet...but whats the fun in that?

@amit : I aint stopping u buddy.

@humble devil: theres a warm southerly wind blowing in...i think she forgot..

Anonymous said...


Have you ever tested any of these ideas or are you suggesting others to go and tie the bell to cat's neck. :)

If your answer is yes, then to what extent?

I bet you have not tried any others have you, except no-2 and even then probably the modified version of it, but I think you are no-6 kind of guy. I know your style dude. :)


PS. You know what, I have been married for 22 years now, and I never had to sleep on the couch once in my life. When ever we get this senario, I turn other way in bed and snigger silently, while she sobs. Now is the time, to call me bastard. Then in the morning I do no-6 and every thing is all back to normal. Happy days.

Sairam said...

Reading your old posts. Nice one. do write often. please.