Friday, November 27, 2009

Facing the 40s

Did you know that Kerala has the highest suicide rate in the country?

"Kerala, the country's first fully literate state, has the highest number of suicides. Some 32 people commit suicide in Kerala every day." -

I don't find that altogether surprising, considering that it is called God's Own Country. We all know that people who are on back slapping terms with the Big Man in the Sky , has a propensity to kill themselves; most of the time taking a whole lot of unwilling people with them for company.

Stupid Fucks.

I killed God sometime back.

Strapped her to a chair in a dark room, with an unshaded light bulb hanging above her.

I then sat across him and worked on its face with my fist.

One thing I have to say about God, its dignified in its silence. I could also sense the danger of being caught up in that dignity I had attributed to her. It was like beating my reflection with all my wannabe traits. He was everything I thought I could be or would be. Now.

Now, I see him more clearly.

He is just a reflection.

I untied her hands and placed the knife into her hands.

It was something my brother had given me as a gift.A fold able bayonet that also served as a handheld fighting knife. Beautiful thing.

He held the knife in both his hands. Looking at at. As if weighing it. Then she looked at me.

I sat back in my chair and lite my cigarette. I inhaled deeply its arid fumes. Filling my lungs. Then I blew it out. Straight into Gods eyes.

There were tears in her eyes.

There were tears in mine too. But hers was because of the smoke.

I told it to finish it.

Her eyes pleaded with mine.

A corner. A spot. You will hardly know Iam there.

I told no.

Recall the times when you needed me. The times I have been there. Guiding you, comforting you, answering you?

I got up to pour myself a drink. These emotional stuffs always tire me.

Lies , I said, without turning back, you were never there, I believed you were there, I hoped you were there, but you were not there,I gave you the credits for all things good and took upon myself the blame for all things bad in my life,I created you from my ever present loneliness, shaped you, gave my breath to you... I was always alone.

I took a sip of my sour mash whiskey.

With the glass in my hand , I returned to my chair. I dragged it closer to her. I looked at it , up close, eye to eye; then I whispered:

Do it.

She tilted her head back, brought the knife to her neck and with a graceful swipe, cut its throat.

God bleeds.

I pushed back the chair.Finished my drink. Then I picked the lite cigarette from the makeshift ashtray which in its previous life was a Horlicks Cap. I leaned on the table and smoked , watching the death of god, feeling lighter.

I had destroyed Its home within me long ago. The cursed dwelling of hers whose walls were made up of scriptures dreamed up and written by dead people. Today I killed its King.

Now Iam alone. Truly alone. No more invisible crutches for a man who has two legs. I have never been more free. I have never been so lost. I have never been so alone. Yet I know that, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I left god there. Dead. Sitting on a chair with its head thrown back, blood coloring the front of her white T-shirt red. I had picked up the knife, wiped the blade clean on his t-shirt , folded it and tucked it into my pant pockets.

I turned 40. A nice age. Good round figure. Easy on the tongue. A great age for new beginnings. From here on its the start of my sheddings. The age of loss begins.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Read my tits

You see that guy who walks down the street carrying the burden of perpetual guilt? Thats me. Guilt is my middle name.

What is the required etiquette when confronted with words like ; Juicy, Angel or Booty printed in bold cursive script on the seat of a tight fitting track pants which is attached to a female form?

Are you allowed to read it?

Will it be deemed lecherous?

Being from the printing industry , I read things. Its kind of an automatic thingy. There are no thought process behind it , its just a conditioning, almost similar to our other curious habit of feeling the grammage of the paper of any magazine that we read.You see that guy who is going orgasmic in that dentist waiting room with that Vogue magazine? Printer.

I read. I cant help it. Then I catch myself looking at the writing and realizing the area of hoarding. Instant guilt.Its worse when Iam with my wife. The chills have given me frostbites.

Then there are those T-shirts.

What do you do, Jack, what do you do?

I read. Then I start blushing.

Thing is I think I offend the wearer when I stop to catch up on my literary fix. This is what I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? Pretend that you don't have something interesting printed on your t-shirt and that your breasts are just incidental?

I asked my wife about this. Yes, Iam suicidal.

There was a drop in temperature and I think some parts of my extremities are cryogenic ally frozen.

Wisest thing to do will be to keep my eyes on the ground.

So I decided on the next best thing.

Dark glasses.

My question is not about why a woman should wear something like this if she doesn't want to be stared at. In fact I think women should be able to walk around naked ,if they want,without having to worry about how shes going to be perceived. The real question is why the fuck am I feeling guilty if Iam only reading?

I have been to a party once where a family friend of ours claimed that girls are asking for it when they wear mini skirts. I had to hold back my wife from ripping that moron to shreds. Question is, why does what a woman wear ,be about men?

You know what I think? Maybe I should keep my eyes on the ground until I learn to read the writing without seeing what its written upon. Then perhaps, they will not be offended and I wont be feeling guilty.

The question , my friend is, do you see words printed across boobs or boobs on which words are printed? Does boobs even figure? Is the boobs even there? See? Its a profound situation; almost religious.

I tried bringing this up with my wife. Yes, Iam persistently suicidal.

She felt that its not helping that Iam going over grounds that has already been overcome and covered. She feels posts like this may evoke some sniggers in some quarters but overall it just pushes back all what women have achieved in the last 100 years. To summarize, she is in fact telling me that Iam back on the couch for the next 2 weeks on the warrior diet; which essentially is how the Spartans ate, only in the night. No wonder the bastards were in a bad mood all the time.

Thing is; my wife is right. I hate to admit that. But once in a few years, she does stumble upon the truth and Iam man enough to give her the credit. Okie, I also like to have my meals on time.

So here is the Tys fact on the issue.

You could wear a abhaya and you will still be gaped at. You could wear nothing and you will still get gaped at. Gaping at women is some sort of evolutionary precondition hotwired into our genes; it has nothing to do with your clothes or lack of it. So you might as well use all that gaping and get the men to read something while they gape.

At least it will be an exercise for both our extremities. In short you make it educational. How else can you get a message across, when all else have failed?

This one kind of tells it all :

* all pictures courtesy of

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Need a lil help from my friends...

If life is measured by the number of friends one has in their life, I will be around 5.

I don't make friends easily. I lose them fairly easily. Its just me, I do stupid things like writing a blog about it which guarantees that I will probably lose the 5 that remains.

Since I seem to be on this mode of making list, here is the Tys' guide to losing your friends.

1. Lend them money. You don't like one of your friend , the best thing you can do to yourself is to lend them some money. You will never see them again. It is weird. Now they are here and then they just disappear off the planet. It is magic.

2. Let them know that their wives talks about their sex problems to you because you are the universal father figure in your friend circle. Must be the grey hair and the air of perplexity that hovers around me, I seem to attract confessions from the fairer sex. Since my memory isn't that great when Iam drunk, which I seem to be perpetually, they think I can keep a secret. Problem is when a memory surfaces like a whale coming up to breathe once in a while and I happen to be around the offending husband aka my friend, which them prompts me to enquire : 'So , you still into wearing her panties to work?'

Silence. Sudden chill in the air and then I never see him again. Magic.

3. Take sides in their marital problems. Listen to this very carefully : You will be the loser in this. Most of the problems a couple has will resolve by itself and when that happens they will one day sit down , cuddling in the couch and talk about that 'silly fight' they had over him wanting a child and she postponing since it will interfere with her career. Then that idiot friend of yours will say , ' You know what ? Tys told me that I should be a man about it and 'forget' to wear the condom...haha..think about that...hes such a jerk..haha...'

Silence. Sudden chill. I never see them again. Then theres this rumour floating around that Iam a real prick. Wonder where that came from.

4. Forget their names. Trust me ,this happens.I have met some of my greatest best friends from my school days (or so they say) and I have no idea who this back slapping guy is. He talks about the time we supposedly sneaked out of the dormitory and stole carrots from the neighbourhood farmers and how Singaparaja was caught and was tied to a pole etc. You recall all this but you cannot for the life of you remember this guy's name. So you go like : ' and you are?'

Silence. Sudden chill. You never see him again.

5. Remember too many details about your friends; and if you do, please , for heavens sake, do not, I repeat, do not tell that as toast at his wedding. Somehow the story about his misadventures with the local lady of the night and the resultant trips to the clinic may seem funny to you but his soon to be wife may not find it very amusing. The resultant pin drop silence as you deliver your punch line should be a fair indication that you are now officially off the list of toast makers in all your friends' weddings and also off the list of friends to be invited to their homes in the future. But the great part is your faux pas will live on and will liven up many parties in the future where your absence will not even be missed.

6. Make commitments that you have no intention of keeping.

Its my firm belief that friendship is probably the only relation apart from being a child where you can treat the other party in the relationship like shit and get away with it. This belief stems from the fact that friendship is not tied down by any preconditions and expectations ( which no matter how great that sounded, it is total bullshit- as my experience has proven).Never say yes to something you have already decided to be a no. If you did, then please don't make a habit of it.

I, my friends, am guilty of this. In my defence I can claim that it was never intentional but I almost never turn up for any dos that I have been invited to. It has reached such a point that if I ever do turn up, the party becomes in honour of that.

I treat my friends badly. I don't keep in touch. If not for my wife, I wouldn't even have the remote sense of social life that I currently have.If its any consolation, I treat my family even worse.

So, today I would like to thank those 5 that still stands. Despite my erratic treatment of them, I think they know that deep inside this callous heart of mine, Iam grateful for their acceptance of me. That in an other week I will still be only 5 years old.... like I have been for the last 15 years.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tys' guide to surviving marraige

Having been with one woman for 10 years, gives you a perspective that is unequal to any theory based knowledge about relationships. I must , however, confess that even these years, that somehow seemed to have passed by so soon, still does not enlighten me on the subject of what a woman wants. That is a mystery which hopefully will be answered in a flash of light when I breath my last and I truly hope that the answer does not appear to me in a neon lite sign that says : Louis Vuitton Hand Bags!

That would just kill me.

For the sake of the lesser mortals which goes by the name, man, I would like to provide a list of instruction, which hopefully will guide them and enable them to live side by side with a woman, without major damages to his psyche or physique.

1. Do not pretend to understand a woman. You don't. Deal with it. The sad part is they have you figured out pretty well. So the element of mystery or the surprise element are only in your dreams. Since you are in the dark, do what is the most logical, manly way to overcome this problem: Deny.

Deny that you don't understand them.

She :You don't understand me.

You : Of course I do. I understand you more than you think.

See? Simple technique. The last sentence you spoke is actually a brain twister. It is also illogical so it will buy you grace time.

2. When in doubt, say I love you. Women are softies. You knew that the day you had that fever and she treated you as if you were dying of cancer. They are suckers for affirmation. Almost all the crap you do can be brushed aside if you throw that three letter sentence where ever you can.

- Waking up in the morning. You turn towards her and say : I love you . Trust me, she will not bring up the part about you being drunk the previous night and puking on the carpet her mother gave on the day of the wedding. You will even get black coffee and a hug later on if you maintain a vulnerable front.

3. Practice on the vulnerable look. This is important. Borrow a dog and eat your lunch in front of it and then watch it. See that look? That's what you should be aiming for. Trick is not to over do it. Contrary to their appearance, women are smart. They can see through an act but this is where nature has been kind to our gender. We have been blessed with a gene that makes us believe that whatever we say or do is very important and real. So you do that look of hurt and in a second you feel as if you are really hurt.

She : I don't want anything to do with you. Iam going back to my mothers.

You : the vulnerable look. Bordering on tears

She : stands there uncertain. Then comes back and hold you.

You : trying hard to hide that grin.

4. Return the dog.

5. The trick to having your woman love you passionately is to love her a little less. Hold back on over expressing yourself too much. Women don't like men who seem too much in love. You see, that's their department and trust me, you don't want to go there.So you love her but let her see that in doses, when it counts.

So go and whack that guy who dared make a move on her and then pretend as if you didn't really care.

That ought to do the trick.

6. Women don't know what they want. This is the truth. Iam yet to meet a woman who knows what they want. Iam also yet to meet a man who knows what he wants but the difference is that men don't know that they don't know what they want. Women think they know what they want but what they want is really not what they really want, which they realize when they get what they really want. What they want has no defined borders, it doesn't even exist in this dimension.

So if you think they like it when you go ballistic on that guy who tried to buy her a drink in the pub because last night she had said that she doubts if you really loved her because you are not possessive; well, you are in for a rude shock. Now she thinks you are a brute.

So don't try to be anything that you are not just because it seems as if that's what your woman wants. Shes with you right? You are what she wants. Really.

7. Don't lie to her. Seriously. Don't. Its insulting. Moreover they find out sooner or later. God is on their side, so you are fucked anyways. My theory is don't do anything that you have to lie about. This is because liars need a great memory which I don't have. But if you must lie, base it on a truth. Example;

She : Did you love her?

You : No.

See? The question didn't state a time line, therefore in context to the exact moment the question was put forward, it required an answer which need only tally with your immediate circumstance and current emotional state, which in this case is No, because the last thing on your mind when you are asked such a question by your woman is love or her; its your poor vulnerable balls.

8. Make her laugh. A macho guy can make a girl notice him but its the guy who makes her laugh who will win her heart.

Damn. Someone should make a T-shirt with that line. Fuck, Iam in the wrong industry.

Anyways. If you really believe that, then most comedians must be happily married. Well, they are not. That's not because they were not funny but because they need an audience to be funny, preferably ones that buy tickets. The guy who makes his woman laugh is not a comedian. He is not the funny guy with great one liners. He is the chap who will laugh at her jokes and makes her laugh at herself and at him. He is the guy who will help her pick up the dinner she dropped and then make her laugh about it. Avoid laughing when she slips and fall in the shopping mall. That's the kind of things that will take a long time to repair.

9. Learn to say sorry. It doesn't even matter if you are right. Just say sorry. In fact when you wake up in the morning to turn towards her and say I love you as instructed in point 2, just follow it up with Iam sorry. That way you would have covered all angles. Being wrong is part of being a man. Nature only got it right in its second try anyways. Take consolation in that. She crashed the car? Say you are sorry. She wakes up in a bad mood? Say you are sorry. The kids got fever? Say you are sorry. Earthquake? Sorry. End of the world? sorry. Hunger in Africa? Sorry.

Theres a high probability that you are responsible anyway.

10. Don't get smug about the survival of your relationship. Don't pat yourself on your back. Don't take it for granted. Don't get too secure. Don't get too arrogant about it, proud of it. I have seen people being held together only by the legal thread of a marriage but with miles of distance between them. I have seen people drifting apart without even being aware like a unanchored boats in the sea.I have seen people clinging to the other, suffocating, stunting , killing and naming it love. I have seen people being together yet with their heart residing in an other. I have seen people not seeing each other because they are caught up looking else where. I have seen people caught up in themselves that there is no place for another.

Whatever your tale is , know that you are one part of the hands that claps. Dont let her weather it alone.Know your place.You are a man. You are clueless.God help us all.

In your life I hope you get a standing ovation.

Monday, November 2, 2009

In the hands of the gods

You know that you are getting fat, when parts of your body starts having its own climate. Its currently hot around my equator and cold on my poles.

Australia is doing fine thank you.

I really need to join the gym. Since my birthday is coming up, its the best time to do this. Joining the gym is my annual must do thing. I either do it on my birthday or just after the new year. I normally discontinue and get back to my JD and couch lifestyle in about 2 months after that. So technically my body survives due to the effort it is made to go through for 60 days to endure 300 days of abuse. Let me tell you, it works. Iam still alive albeit a little beefy. Which means that theres more of me to go around.

Did I tell you that I went to a Nadi Astrologer when I was down in India? Well I did. Why I didnt tell you earlier was probably because the stars were not aligned.I don't want to sound judgemental or skeptic but what the hell, I will tell you anyway. Captive audience. How I pity you.


So my mother takes me to this place where there are these 2 characters ,with pictures of half a dozen gods and a picture of Mecca and Christ and a statue of the laughing Buddha thrown in for good measure, sitting in a small room.

My younger brother was also with me, which means that if astrology really worked, this was the day these two guys would have taken a vacation or gone to watch a good Shivaji movie. But they didn't, so I had my doubts from the start.

Heres how it works. First go this link and this and this.

Good. Now you know what the fuss is all about. Excited? Unbelievable?

Yep.So is the advertisements for increasing the size of my penis.

Anyways. First our fingerprints are taken. So in the occult society I can be identified. Then my address is taken. My full name, with complete detail of my birth ( not the gross stuff, the date , place and time). Then the guy goes inside to search for my leaf.

Iam thinking : GOOGLE!

Here's the funda, if you have been too fucking lazy to go to the links I had kindly provided.

Apparently 2000 years ago some jobless sanyasi decided to write the details of the lives every man and woman that has been born , are born and will be born. How do you identify yourself from these leaves? Its from your finger print. The whorls in your print gives an idea where the search should begin from. Then they get warmer by asking you questions which you answer and then viola! your leaf is found. Then the fun starts.

So the guy brings some bundles of leaves, which apparently are copies. Think about that! Not only some guy wrote this , now theres some odd guy copying this. Man, people have too much time.

Then the questions start.

You have siblings?






One is a girl.


You are one of 3 brothers.


You are married.


Your wife's name starts with Aaa, Baa, Saa

.... by now Iam onto this guy.

So this goes on. At the end of it, you end up giving him every single information, while his partner feeds all my birth information into some astrology software and you have the ultimate Hindu Scam.

To think this has been going on for 2000 years. Going by the cave drawings the penis enhancer has been there longer.

Half way through the guy giving you back what you have told him , interlaced with some Sanskrit mambo jumbo, he will say that theres this problem in your destiny. Which is always blamed on this poor planet who is in the Hindu bad books since time began; Shani aka Saturn. Of course in order to remove the obstacle, you will have to do a pooja in a temple in Tamilnadu, give clothes, 9 type of fruits, 9 type of sweets etc to the said astrologer. Once these are done, Saturn obediently steps aside for you to go out there and fuck the princess and kill the king. If the corrective steps are not taken then more than you, the people you love around you is going to be fucked. Bummer.

By now, we are onto this guy, mainly because we have seen the pattern. First they had 'read' my mother, then it was me and then my younger brother. So we kind of knew when Saturn is going to be introduced into our life story and how Tamilnadu temples are going to come to our rescue.

I think he kind of realized; something which we mallus say, which when translated means ; that this beans is not going to cook here.

Then he got nasty.

My life from where I stand is now licked by a dog ( mallu saying. Which is not meant to be a nice thing, I mean getting licked my the dog bit). Then he took off on my brother. Now he is more screwed than me. This situation was like taking the snake from a fence and wrapping it around your waist ( another mall saying) , also a lot like giving a stick to get beaten ( I think this is an international saying).

So we came away, laughing our guts out. Apparently mother got calls from there for nearly a month, asking her to do the puja.

I wasn't impressed. Truth is I don't think this is even relevant. Astrology is our means to make sense out of our fear of uncertainty. I have heard the argument that the gravitational pull of planets can have an influence on our body, since we are mostly liquid. If that is the case then the doctor who was the nearest to me probably would have had a stronger pull than Saturn for heavens sake.

Me being fat is probably influencing all of your future.

Look, Iam not a believer neither will I slam something I do not know too much about. But Nadi Astrology is just hogwash.

Even if it isnt, what exactly did you gain by knowing that in your last birth you were a merchant in Karnataka, who is cursed by a woman? Or that you were a Tantric Brahman woman who used your black magic on some innocents?

Man, I can tell you anything I want to fill in the gaps of a memory you don't even have. Which includes your future.

But what I cant tell you is if your penis will increase length in the near future. Now thats something which is best left in the hands of the gods ( no puns intended)