Friday, November 27, 2009

Facing the 40s

Did you know that Kerala has the highest suicide rate in the country?

"Kerala, the country's first fully literate state, has the highest number of suicides. Some 32 people commit suicide in Kerala every day." -

I don't find that altogether surprising, considering that it is called God's Own Country. We all know that people who are on back slapping terms with the Big Man in the Sky , has a propensity to kill themselves; most of the time taking a whole lot of unwilling people with them for company.

Stupid Fucks.

I killed God sometime back.

Strapped her to a chair in a dark room, with an unshaded light bulb hanging above her.

I then sat across him and worked on its face with my fist.

One thing I have to say about God, its dignified in its silence. I could also sense the danger of being caught up in that dignity I had attributed to her. It was like beating my reflection with all my wannabe traits. He was everything I thought I could be or would be. Now.

Now, I see him more clearly.

He is just a reflection.

I untied her hands and placed the knife into her hands.

It was something my brother had given me as a gift.A fold able bayonet that also served as a handheld fighting knife. Beautiful thing.

He held the knife in both his hands. Looking at at. As if weighing it. Then she looked at me.

I sat back in my chair and lite my cigarette. I inhaled deeply its arid fumes. Filling my lungs. Then I blew it out. Straight into Gods eyes.

There were tears in her eyes.

There were tears in mine too. But hers was because of the smoke.

I told it to finish it.

Her eyes pleaded with mine.

A corner. A spot. You will hardly know Iam there.

I told no.

Recall the times when you needed me. The times I have been there. Guiding you, comforting you, answering you?

I got up to pour myself a drink. These emotional stuffs always tire me.

Lies , I said, without turning back, you were never there, I believed you were there, I hoped you were there, but you were not there,I gave you the credits for all things good and took upon myself the blame for all things bad in my life,I created you from my ever present loneliness, shaped you, gave my breath to you... I was always alone.

I took a sip of my sour mash whiskey.

With the glass in my hand , I returned to my chair. I dragged it closer to her. I looked at it , up close, eye to eye; then I whispered:

Do it.

She tilted her head back, brought the knife to her neck and with a graceful swipe, cut its throat.

God bleeds.

I pushed back the chair.Finished my drink. Then I picked the lite cigarette from the makeshift ashtray which in its previous life was a Horlicks Cap. I leaned on the table and smoked , watching the death of god, feeling lighter.

I had destroyed Its home within me long ago. The cursed dwelling of hers whose walls were made up of scriptures dreamed up and written by dead people. Today I killed its King.

Now Iam alone. Truly alone. No more invisible crutches for a man who has two legs. I have never been more free. I have never been so lost. I have never been so alone. Yet I know that, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I left god there. Dead. Sitting on a chair with its head thrown back, blood coloring the front of her white T-shirt red. I had picked up the knife, wiped the blade clean on his t-shirt , folded it and tucked it into my pant pockets.

I turned 40. A nice age. Good round figure. Easy on the tongue. A great age for new beginnings. From here on its the start of my sheddings. The age of loss begins.


humbl devil said...


for me s/he was always a concept...:D

Poornima said...

A post at last! I was wondering how long you expected me to 'Read Your Tits'. Not my thing, really, reading tits. Id rather read the Malayala Manorama gives you the daily rahu-kaalam time, amavasi, ekadashi, I.V.sashi,etc.

This Kerala, I tell you! Highest number of suicides, you say??? Hmm. I believe we’ve sort of established one reason has the lowest Bulb-Wattage-per-house in the civilized world. Another reason could be that we Mals think everything has GOT to be rational and scientific.

Normal human beings know that 'rational and scientific' is simply NOT part of the deal in MOST matters in life like-(a)Love, (b)marriage, (c)my mom, (d)the weather, (e)maids, (f)RELIGION, and so on. But in Kerala, if you accept quietly, you’re letting down the fish that died to give you brains, alle? So let’s start DEBATING. We can’t decide if God is a He, a She or an Elephant, & we have to find out TODAY (err, neither can you, btw. Forgive me, but I’m no good with Deeper Meanings). Hanuman FLEW to Lanka?? Athe, athe. HOW could Bhishma lie on a bed of arrows and not rupture his bum? Who Am I? (uff, check your SSLC marks card dude!).

Inevitable suicide, man! Inevitable.

Poornima said...

Left out an important point-Happy 40! Befitting post too this time..verry menopausal I tell you.

Mohammed Musthafa said...

Couldnt really figure out this post...and I guess I know why...I'm 17...You're 40....practically worlds apart right? Still...the way you personified God the beginning weird...and by the end...profound? Still...I guess i should keep to your carefree posts the next time....

Shas said...

Happy 40! the second youth (matured) phase thats how some term it. Interesting post.

rm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shruti said...

what is it with the confusing of genders? U see God as a He or a She?
now.. dont tell me u'r depressed about turning 40!!

Shachi said...

Happy 40th :) and wishing u many more to come....

Chinmay said...

It had occurred to me of killing god too, but at that time he appeared to be a harmless wild creature and i left him alone like a stray dog. But of-late it caught rabies, good you killed him. I enjoyed the death you gave. What do we do with the spirit though? The spirit lurks in the ring waiting for a Gollum, and i know its penchant for bodies and rebirth.

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Madhumita said...

What do you know Tys. You kill god and it brings you an investment opportunity ... and apparently a happy one at that. :D

Btw, the 'he' 'she' business was strange.

Tys on Ice said...

@humble devil : It is just concept...i even called it, It.

@poornima : :) ...u really shud be blogging chechi...u will be a laugh a second riot...thanks for the wishes...menopausal? you think? you shud have been there when i was doing the teenage..

@mohd : i dont blame you...i like your honesty..its rare in todays world..

@shas : matured? Highly unlikely...

@shruti : depressed about turning 40? Nah...iam was born depressed... ask my mom...I came into the world with a yawn.

@shachi : Thanks...dont think i can handle too many of of this :)

@chinmay : :)...hmmm, the spirit...never thought of that...exorcism? but upon what you will you do it upon when we are exorcising the very thing that offers the practice its so called divinity? puzzling...

@anon : show me the money!

@mads:god is a great business..

Anonymous said...


Are we just the result of biology on the planet, or are we more then that.

My take on this is as much as we want ot kill him/her/it, which tells me you believe in the concept. That's good enough for me.

As much as I don't want to believe in him, but I've got no choice but to believe in him. I will give my take on it. Now stop yawning and listen and read on what I need to say.

Lets start from the beginning. Every cause has an effect and visa versa. Why do we have conscious? How can we tell from good and bad and right and wrong and also why do we have to be civil with each other and confind to the rules of society? We don't have to, if there was no god.

Why do you have to listen to Madhu and I have to listen to Chandan apart from getting a hot meal, that you can get anywhere now. Are we frightened of getting our nuts in the vice. If so we don't have to. Again it goes back to conscious. It's bitch isn't it. Not the wife the guilt.

Why do the planets and other things have to follow the rules of nature and physics, It doesn't have to, just to save us.

There are thousands of things on the face of the planet that cannot be explained or seen or felt but it is still there like Air that keeps us alive, so there you go.

So if above holds true then, there is God. Tada.

Wake up TYS it's finish, Thank goodess for that.


Adios Pravin

PS. Happy belated birthday and you know what, you are older then me. This makes my day.


tys said...

anon: if god exists or doesnt exist is no great will continue, people will be good to each together when it serves them, we will find excuses, we will justify, we will hope due to our fear...god is irrelevant , infact it is a deterant when you seek yourself...any glimpse of its nature will be be false, any theory incomplete, all concepts tainted by the thinker...

a creator who creates to be worshiped sounds like a real jerk who needs to be locked up...the gratefulness, the prayers, etc comes from hope , fear and insecurities...if theres a god, i dont think it does prayers...we are not that important as we think we are...and nature does not flows...

so, harry, you been going through almost all my posts...hope u found it to your taste...sorry for not being able to reply to every comment...but thru u , i got a chance to read some of my own posts...i had forgotten most of it...

Anonymous said...


It's age mate, that's making you forget things. Join the club.

Isn't this a surprise, what's a chances/odds somebody sends you link to your blog?

Don't worry I didn't expect any replay for post, but thanks, and how did you know it's me? was it a god things that gave it away?

I liked the way you justified it.

Is it a pray object part that you don't like or worship part you think it's over rated or is it just the whole business involving him and others that you dislike, and it leaves bad taste in your mouth. He just lets everybody down at right time.

Just Curious?

Well not to worry, I did enjoy your write up and the blog and you justify it well, so I can't argue with the concept. The best part I liked was The death of Sidhartha, you did't finish the birth of budha. shame. Anyhow good day to you Tys.


Anonymous said...


I forgot to ask you about your plight.

Is the banishment to the couch been lifted or not? and also involuntary diet of fresh air ( no meals ) ended or not? Which your Mrs. thretened to carry out few post ago.

I can always pray for you, but I'm not very religious, so it might not work. Sorry dude man must face his own demons.

Oh what the hell. To end your plight I might as well give you few pointers bearing in mind I am ahead of you in the game by few years.

Buy a bunch of flowers and say " I saw this and thought of you. It's your love that's keeping me nourished. Sorry for all the pain I have caused. " while you are saying all the above, give her a puppy look and don't say a word no more, and go back to your couch.
She will have a guilt of the size of everest after this, and if she doesn't, God help you.

Come on dude you are a writter and I should need to tell you this.
Use this next time. Tried and tested and it works.


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