Tys' guide to surviving marraige

Having been with one woman for 10 years, gives you a perspective that is unequal to any theory based knowledge about relationships. I must , however, confess that even these years, that somehow seemed to have passed by so soon, still does not enlighten me on the subject of what a woman wants. That is a mystery which hopefully will be answered in a flash of light when I breath my last and I truly hope that the answer does not appear to me in a neon lite sign that says : Louis Vuitton Hand Bags!

That would just kill me.

For the sake of the lesser mortals which goes by the name, man, I would like to provide a list of instruction, which hopefully will guide them and enable them to live side by side with a woman, without major damages to his psyche or physique.

1. Do not pretend to understand a woman. You don't. Deal with it. The sad part is they have you figured out pretty well. So the element of mystery or the surprise element are only in your dreams. Since you are in the dark, do what is the most logical, manly way to overcome this problem: Deny.

Deny that you don't understand them.

She :You don't understand me.

You : Of course I do. I understand you more than you think.

See? Simple technique. The last sentence you spoke is actually a brain twister. It is also illogical so it will buy you grace time.

2. When in doubt, say I love you. Women are softies. You knew that the day you had that fever and she treated you as if you were dying of cancer. They are suckers for affirmation. Almost all the crap you do can be brushed aside if you throw that three letter sentence where ever you can.

- Waking up in the morning. You turn towards her and say : I love you . Trust me, she will not bring up the part about you being drunk the previous night and puking on the carpet her mother gave on the day of the wedding. You will even get black coffee and a hug later on if you maintain a vulnerable front.

3. Practice on the vulnerable look. This is important. Borrow a dog and eat your lunch in front of it and then watch it. See that look? That's what you should be aiming for. Trick is not to over do it. Contrary to their appearance, women are smart. They can see through an act but this is where nature has been kind to our gender. We have been blessed with a gene that makes us believe that whatever we say or do is very important and real. So you do that look of hurt and in a second you feel as if you are really hurt.

She : I don't want anything to do with you. Iam going back to my mothers.

You : the vulnerable look. Bordering on tears

She : stands there uncertain. Then comes back and hold you.

You : trying hard to hide that grin.

4. Return the dog.

5. The trick to having your woman love you passionately is to love her a little less. Hold back on over expressing yourself too much. Women don't like men who seem too much in love. You see, that's their department and trust me, you don't want to go there.So you love her but let her see that in doses, when it counts.

So go and whack that guy who dared make a move on her and then pretend as if you didn't really care.

That ought to do the trick.

6. Women don't know what they want. This is the truth. Iam yet to meet a woman who knows what they want. Iam also yet to meet a man who knows what he wants but the difference is that men don't know that they don't know what they want. Women think they know what they want but what they want is really not what they really want, which they realize when they get what they really want. What they want has no defined borders, it doesn't even exist in this dimension.

So if you think they like it when you go ballistic on that guy who tried to buy her a drink in the pub because last night she had said that she doubts if you really loved her because you are not possessive; well, you are in for a rude shock. Now she thinks you are a brute.

So don't try to be anything that you are not just because it seems as if that's what your woman wants. Shes with you right? You are what she wants. Really.

7. Don't lie to her. Seriously. Don't. Its insulting. Moreover they find out sooner or later. God is on their side, so you are fucked anyways. My theory is don't do anything that you have to lie about. This is because liars need a great memory which I don't have. But if you must lie, base it on a truth. Example;

She : Did you love her?

You : No.

See? The question didn't state a time line, therefore in context to the exact moment the question was put forward, it required an answer which need only tally with your immediate circumstance and current emotional state, which in this case is No, because the last thing on your mind when you are asked such a question by your woman is love or her; its your poor vulnerable balls.

8. Make her laugh. A macho guy can make a girl notice him but its the guy who makes her laugh who will win her heart.

Damn. Someone should make a T-shirt with that line. Fuck, Iam in the wrong industry.

Anyways. If you really believe that, then most comedians must be happily married. Well, they are not. That's not because they were not funny but because they need an audience to be funny, preferably ones that buy tickets. The guy who makes his woman laugh is not a comedian. He is not the funny guy with great one liners. He is the chap who will laugh at her jokes and makes her laugh at herself and at him. He is the guy who will help her pick up the dinner she dropped and then make her laugh about it. Avoid laughing when she slips and fall in the shopping mall. That's the kind of things that will take a long time to repair.

9. Learn to say sorry. It doesn't even matter if you are right. Just say sorry. In fact when you wake up in the morning to turn towards her and say I love you as instructed in point 2, just follow it up with Iam sorry. That way you would have covered all angles. Being wrong is part of being a man. Nature only got it right in its second try anyways. Take consolation in that. She crashed the car? Say you are sorry. She wakes up in a bad mood? Say you are sorry. The kids got fever? Say you are sorry. Earthquake? Sorry. End of the world? sorry. Hunger in Africa? Sorry.

Theres a high probability that you are responsible anyway.

10. Don't get smug about the survival of your relationship. Don't pat yourself on your back. Don't take it for granted. Don't get too secure. Don't get too arrogant about it, proud of it. I have seen people being held together only by the legal thread of a marriage but with miles of distance between them. I have seen people drifting apart without even being aware like a unanchored boats in the sea.I have seen people clinging to the other, suffocating, stunting , killing and naming it love. I have seen people being together yet with their heart residing in an other. I have seen people not seeing each other because they are caught up looking else where. I have seen people caught up in themselves that there is no place for another.

Whatever your tale is , know that you are one part of the hands that claps. Dont let her weather it alone.Know your place.You are a man. You are clueless.God help us all.

In your life I hope you get a standing ovation.