Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tys' guide to surviving marraige

Having been with one woman for 10 years, gives you a perspective that is unequal to any theory based knowledge about relationships. I must , however, confess that even these years, that somehow seemed to have passed by so soon, still does not enlighten me on the subject of what a woman wants. That is a mystery which hopefully will be answered in a flash of light when I breath my last and I truly hope that the answer does not appear to me in a neon lite sign that says : Louis Vuitton Hand Bags!

That would just kill me.

For the sake of the lesser mortals which goes by the name, man, I would like to provide a list of instruction, which hopefully will guide them and enable them to live side by side with a woman, without major damages to his psyche or physique.

1. Do not pretend to understand a woman. You don't. Deal with it. The sad part is they have you figured out pretty well. So the element of mystery or the surprise element are only in your dreams. Since you are in the dark, do what is the most logical, manly way to overcome this problem: Deny.

Deny that you don't understand them.

She :You don't understand me.

You : Of course I do. I understand you more than you think.

See? Simple technique. The last sentence you spoke is actually a brain twister. It is also illogical so it will buy you grace time.

2. When in doubt, say I love you. Women are softies. You knew that the day you had that fever and she treated you as if you were dying of cancer. They are suckers for affirmation. Almost all the crap you do can be brushed aside if you throw that three letter sentence where ever you can.

- Waking up in the morning. You turn towards her and say : I love you . Trust me, she will not bring up the part about you being drunk the previous night and puking on the carpet her mother gave on the day of the wedding. You will even get black coffee and a hug later on if you maintain a vulnerable front.

3. Practice on the vulnerable look. This is important. Borrow a dog and eat your lunch in front of it and then watch it. See that look? That's what you should be aiming for. Trick is not to over do it. Contrary to their appearance, women are smart. They can see through an act but this is where nature has been kind to our gender. We have been blessed with a gene that makes us believe that whatever we say or do is very important and real. So you do that look of hurt and in a second you feel as if you are really hurt.

She : I don't want anything to do with you. Iam going back to my mothers.

You : the vulnerable look. Bordering on tears

She : stands there uncertain. Then comes back and hold you.

You : trying hard to hide that grin.

4. Return the dog.

5. The trick to having your woman love you passionately is to love her a little less. Hold back on over expressing yourself too much. Women don't like men who seem too much in love. You see, that's their department and trust me, you don't want to go there.So you love her but let her see that in doses, when it counts.

So go and whack that guy who dared make a move on her and then pretend as if you didn't really care.

That ought to do the trick.

6. Women don't know what they want. This is the truth. Iam yet to meet a woman who knows what they want. Iam also yet to meet a man who knows what he wants but the difference is that men don't know that they don't know what they want. Women think they know what they want but what they want is really not what they really want, which they realize when they get what they really want. What they want has no defined borders, it doesn't even exist in this dimension.

So if you think they like it when you go ballistic on that guy who tried to buy her a drink in the pub because last night she had said that she doubts if you really loved her because you are not possessive; well, you are in for a rude shock. Now she thinks you are a brute.

So don't try to be anything that you are not just because it seems as if that's what your woman wants. Shes with you right? You are what she wants. Really.

7. Don't lie to her. Seriously. Don't. Its insulting. Moreover they find out sooner or later. God is on their side, so you are fucked anyways. My theory is don't do anything that you have to lie about. This is because liars need a great memory which I don't have. But if you must lie, base it on a truth. Example;

She : Did you love her?

You : No.

See? The question didn't state a time line, therefore in context to the exact moment the question was put forward, it required an answer which need only tally with your immediate circumstance and current emotional state, which in this case is No, because the last thing on your mind when you are asked such a question by your woman is love or her; its your poor vulnerable balls.

8. Make her laugh. A macho guy can make a girl notice him but its the guy who makes her laugh who will win her heart.

Damn. Someone should make a T-shirt with that line. Fuck, Iam in the wrong industry.

Anyways. If you really believe that, then most comedians must be happily married. Well, they are not. That's not because they were not funny but because they need an audience to be funny, preferably ones that buy tickets. The guy who makes his woman laugh is not a comedian. He is not the funny guy with great one liners. He is the chap who will laugh at her jokes and makes her laugh at herself and at him. He is the guy who will help her pick up the dinner she dropped and then make her laugh about it. Avoid laughing when she slips and fall in the shopping mall. That's the kind of things that will take a long time to repair.

9. Learn to say sorry. It doesn't even matter if you are right. Just say sorry. In fact when you wake up in the morning to turn towards her and say I love you as instructed in point 2, just follow it up with Iam sorry. That way you would have covered all angles. Being wrong is part of being a man. Nature only got it right in its second try anyways. Take consolation in that. She crashed the car? Say you are sorry. She wakes up in a bad mood? Say you are sorry. The kids got fever? Say you are sorry. Earthquake? Sorry. End of the world? sorry. Hunger in Africa? Sorry.

Theres a high probability that you are responsible anyway.

10. Don't get smug about the survival of your relationship. Don't pat yourself on your back. Don't take it for granted. Don't get too secure. Don't get too arrogant about it, proud of it. I have seen people being held together only by the legal thread of a marriage but with miles of distance between them. I have seen people drifting apart without even being aware like a unanchored boats in the sea.I have seen people clinging to the other, suffocating, stunting , killing and naming it love. I have seen people being together yet with their heart residing in an other. I have seen people not seeing each other because they are caught up looking else where. I have seen people caught up in themselves that there is no place for another.

Whatever your tale is , know that you are one part of the hands that claps. Dont let her weather it alone.Know your place.You are a man. You are clueless.God help us all.

In your life I hope you get a standing ovation.

36 comments:

frissko said...

Ha...Wisdom...Bows...If i ever become non single, i'll come back here for reference :)...

I had written a rather uninspiring post on coupledom a long time ago, and someone left a Kahlil Gibran poem called 'On marriage' in the comments...Am pasting a link to that poem below...

http://www.katsandogz.com/onmarriage.html

Blue said...

amazing insights! so it took u 10 years 2 understand all this. hope i find a guy u reads ur blog :)

Advaita said...

good humour along with some insights too.....

i wrote a post on how close one should be to gether though its not very much related to this... but you may want to read it..

http://blogaholism-advaita.blogspot.com/2009/11/how-close-together.html

Joyce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Manasi said...

how about "developing a real friendship with your wife"... i have seen that most successful married couples were bestfriends (knowingly or unknowingly)

gossip with her about friends and relatives, window shop with her (its more like walking really), drive down unknown roads with her (only in broad daylight), and at the end of the day tell her that you see her scars are healing.

if you can do all of the above without getting judgmental at all times i tell you man... you got yourself a very happy woman and she will love you for it.

:-)

Mohammed Musthafa said...

I guess the reason ur posts are good is cuz u only talk abt wht you knw...and u knw a LOT! excellent steps...especially the "return the dog" part!

humbl devil said...

point no.6 takes the cake...
:)

Poornima said...

Loved everything except:
4. Return the dog.

Why would you do that?? Think of its myriad expressions! It can be your drama coach for life! Very similar in nature too, you know (so not much to learn, actually)..I puke on carpet, he pee on it, he lift leg, (he drama coach, so) i lift leg too..both drunk..

Gaaahahaha!

Gunnerz' Forever!!! said...

Profoundly brilliant:)..wah wah!!!

Nimpipi said...

I sent this to my boyfriend. He needs to learn

Anoop Nair said...

man..clever post..all true.

Arky said...

Dude, Don't forget your wife reads your blog.

Thanks for tips!

blue sunride said...

It is just soooo refreshing to read your blog :) and boy! you have a deep insight into the women psyche!

Sharad said...

Dude.. been regularly following your blog for quite sometime now... and i must say - MIND-BLOWING... My first comment coz well, I'm too lazy... but I love your blog ... keep writing...

Bramha said...

Just waiting for Madhu's response :-)

maggi said...

Wow! Amazing :).

Hip Grandma said...

You get my standing ovation for the honest revelation of what men really are. I hope my husband learns to say sorry if not ILU. As of now he doesn't say a thing.But then he belongs to the grandpa generation.

Nags said...

i think a sorry is more valuable than an I love you to me. i guess we always want what's rare eh :D nice one Tys!

Suma said...

good one tys! i like that 'sorry' point....when you say sorry do look as you mean it, though :D

ps..that couch in your house must be pretty worn out by now :)

Joy said...

Brilliant...

Shachi said...

wow - amazing! Funny but so true :)

Gazal said...

after reading this i'm never going to believe any thing a man says...lol

you shd write a book.

Anonymous said...

You left out shopping - don't forget its the one thing that you should learn to like, but not like enough that you actually shop something for yourself.

Jules said...

Well, Tys... you hit the nail right smack on the head in a good number of these points! A good number, not all... but then again, I am a woman, and I don't really know what I want... right? LOL

Very good, very wise... it makes me think you sort of almost get it!

Madhumita said...

Read it again. Well done :).

Paritosh said...

Wow!! That was some insight! Need to take a few ponter from here. :D

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tys said...

@frissko : thanks a lot for the poem..i recall this from long ago..its amazing how true this is..

@blue : i hope so too..tell me how that goes :)

@advaita :i aim to please...btw, nice post.

@manasi : iam with u on this...btw, when u say friend , does it also mean the my wife will accompany me on the couch sessions, develope a taste for JD and never lets a headache come between gud times?

@mohd : man, u r the only person who thinks I know a lot..if only my mother read this!

@humble devil : man, now i hve to go and read the post to find out wht point 6 says...

@poornima : You are now worrying me girl...u lift your leg to pee?

@gunnerz : shukran..

@nimpipi : tell me how that one went.. :)

Pravin said...

@anoop : i had a feeling you will like that..

@arky : man , i never forget that...wht can i say, i live life on the edge

@blue sunride : i doubt that..i think i know what has been shown to me..thats abt it.

@sharad : thnks for putting ur laziness aside for my sake this once...iam honoured..

@brahma : so was i...but shes been very calm abt this one...now iam seriously worried.

@maggi : really?

@hip grandma : there are some men not suited for saying I love you...when they do you will spend the rest of the evening puking your guts out...those are the men who rather show it in their simple ways rather than believe that 3 words will be enuf to express wht they feel for you, like holding you hands while you climb down steps..

@nags : yeah , i bet!

@suma : that couch has started charging me rent

@joy : dhanyawad

@shachi : funny but true...hmmm..now thats a thought..

@ghazal : as if you were believed what men ever said..

@anon : i didnt leave out shopping, its just that i didnt want nightmares

@jules : i will never get it jules..

@mads : eerrr thanks ? does this mean that i will get my dinner?

@paritosh :tell me if that works...

Poornima said...

Not ME, you donkey, the 'I' refers to YOU!

Tys on Ice said...

@poori : whew! iam glad that we cleared that up...u just didnt seem the sort who wud do that... :)

eunoia said...

LOL! but really nice and quite true...will make sure all guy friends i have read this. most of them have been the source of all conventional (and some unconventional) wisdom w.r.t understanding men.
thanks for posting this man! :) you have me an opportunity of calling it even by just sending em the link! good work. keep writing.

eunoia said...

*you have given me an opportunity i mean...missed the 'given' in the previous comment.

Gargoyle said...

Dammit Tys, you're not supposed to be moving me to tears!

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

The best one is no:10 It always work in all the cases. Nice one TYS.

H

Santosh Macaden said...

Mr Ty! You need to write a manual dude...( Kindle version) please.
Or she'll throw it at me...cause I know it will be mroe than 1000 pages!!