Sunday, November 15, 2009

Need a lil help from my friends...

If life is measured by the number of friends one has in their life, I will be around 5.

I don't make friends easily. I lose them fairly easily. Its just me, I do stupid things like writing a blog about it which guarantees that I will probably lose the 5 that remains.

Since I seem to be on this mode of making list, here is the Tys' guide to losing your friends.

1. Lend them money. You don't like one of your friend , the best thing you can do to yourself is to lend them some money. You will never see them again. It is weird. Now they are here and then they just disappear off the planet. It is magic.

2. Let them know that their wives talks about their sex problems to you because you are the universal father figure in your friend circle. Must be the grey hair and the air of perplexity that hovers around me, I seem to attract confessions from the fairer sex. Since my memory isn't that great when Iam drunk, which I seem to be perpetually, they think I can keep a secret. Problem is when a memory surfaces like a whale coming up to breathe once in a while and I happen to be around the offending husband aka my friend, which them prompts me to enquire : 'So , you still into wearing her panties to work?'

Silence. Sudden chill in the air and then I never see him again. Magic.

3. Take sides in their marital problems. Listen to this very carefully : You will be the loser in this. Most of the problems a couple has will resolve by itself and when that happens they will one day sit down , cuddling in the couch and talk about that 'silly fight' they had over him wanting a child and she postponing since it will interfere with her career. Then that idiot friend of yours will say , ' You know what ? Tys told me that I should be a man about it and 'forget' to wear the condom...haha..think about that...hes such a jerk..haha...'

Silence. Sudden chill. I never see them again. Then theres this rumour floating around that Iam a real prick. Wonder where that came from.

4. Forget their names. Trust me ,this happens.I have met some of my greatest best friends from my school days (or so they say) and I have no idea who this back slapping guy is. He talks about the time we supposedly sneaked out of the dormitory and stole carrots from the neighbourhood farmers and how Singaparaja was caught and was tied to a pole etc. You recall all this but you cannot for the life of you remember this guy's name. So you go like : ' and you are?'

Silence. Sudden chill. You never see him again.

5. Remember too many details about your friends; and if you do, please , for heavens sake, do not, I repeat, do not tell that as toast at his wedding. Somehow the story about his misadventures with the local lady of the night and the resultant trips to the clinic may seem funny to you but his soon to be wife may not find it very amusing. The resultant pin drop silence as you deliver your punch line should be a fair indication that you are now officially off the list of toast makers in all your friends' weddings and also off the list of friends to be invited to their homes in the future. But the great part is your faux pas will live on and will liven up many parties in the future where your absence will not even be missed.

6. Make commitments that you have no intention of keeping.

Its my firm belief that friendship is probably the only relation apart from being a child where you can treat the other party in the relationship like shit and get away with it. This belief stems from the fact that friendship is not tied down by any preconditions and expectations ( which no matter how great that sounded, it is total bullshit- as my experience has proven).Never say yes to something you have already decided to be a no. If you did, then please don't make a habit of it.

I, my friends, am guilty of this. In my defence I can claim that it was never intentional but I almost never turn up for any dos that I have been invited to. It has reached such a point that if I ever do turn up, the party becomes in honour of that.

I treat my friends badly. I don't keep in touch. If not for my wife, I wouldn't even have the remote sense of social life that I currently have.If its any consolation, I treat my family even worse.

So, today I would like to thank those 5 that still stands. Despite my erratic treatment of them, I think they know that deep inside this callous heart of mine, Iam grateful for their acceptance of me. That in an other week I will still be only 5 years old.... like I have been for the last 15 years.

13 comments:

Blue said...

A.W.E.S.O.M.E. :)

Jules said...

So if you're only gonna be 5, how have you become so wise to the ways of just about every aspect of life?

I bow at your wisdom... I'd even touch your feet if I were there. You impress me.

Lucy lighting up the world said...

Wow! I will practise everything and c how many friends I will be having by dec.

Thanks for the tips!

Shachi said...

What a post!

"friendship is probably the only relation apart from being a child where you can treat the other party in the relationship like shit and get away with it."

The above statement is so very true Tys!

And the last para is simply awesome!

humbl devil said...

is someone gonna be 40 the coming week???
:O)

many many happy returns of the day..in advance... :)

and by the tym you retire, something tells me you will be older than 5...

cheers man
:)

Arky said...

Where do you come up with stuff like this. Man, this is hilarious !

Keep 'em coming.

Hip Grandma said...

was this a clever attempt to win hearts(read friends)? Let me tell you that you've succeeded.Tell me whether you write your pieces while sipping JD? I know that the veteran actor Shivaji had to down a peg or two before dialogue delivery. I wonder if you do it before sitting to write for your blog? Simbly vonderfull....

Manasi said...

stayed 5-year old for the last 15...wow, an age-defying formula right here... need i tell you yet again how you can profit from your irritations :-)

happy b'day in advance!

-Manasi

Tys on Ice said...

@blue : T.H.A.N.K.S

@jules : real wisdom , they say, is admission of your ignorance...since iam such a know it all, i think iam way down there in the wisdom quotient....but the greatest news is that u will not have to bend too low to touch my feet...

@lucy: the truth is, by the time u die, u will be able to count them in the fingers of your hand...both if u r really lucky..

@shachi : thnk god for friends, eh?

@humble devil : nah...i think i will die 5...too fucking lazy to make new friends and moreover they borrow your books and never return it...

@arky: oh, just walk in my shoes for a day...its just hilarious...

@hip grandma : this is what i like...u catch me red handed all the time...this the nearest i can get to making up for the crap i have made them go thru...iam hoping they will read this and therefore will redeem me....

@manasi :iam curious..tell me how this can bring in some money...

Dawg said...

Tys
Logged onto TysOnIce after a long time and caught up with your last 6 posts. Really good stuff, and seems to be getting better with each one. Also made me realize some of the things I will miss most as a result of living on a different continent. Miss you guys.

Tys on Ice said...

@Dawg : Dawg! Dawg?...what, were u drunk or what man?..Is that a slur is hear in that bark?..miss u too man..no one to inspire me anymore...now its all wifey..see wht u have done!

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

I liked the one where you said "Do you still wearing your wife's pants to work" Now what's wrong with this? Come on there has to be some perks after getting married. I only wear them around my neck after the session. I will tell you a story one day about it.

H

Anonymous said...

Can't write to save my life. Damn.
H