If life is measured by the number of friends one has in their life, I will be around 5.
I don't make friends easily. I lose them fairly easily. Its just me, I do stupid things like writing a blog about it which guarantees that I will probably lose the 5 that remains.
Since I seem to be on this mode of making list, here is the Tys' guide to losing your friends.
1. Lend them money. You don't like one of your friend , the best thing you can do to yourself is to lend them some money. You will never see them again. It is weird. Now they are here and then they just disappear off the planet. It is magic.
2. Let them know that their wives talks about their sex problems to you because you are the universal father figure in your friend circle. Must be the grey hair and the air of perplexity that hovers around me, I seem to attract confessions from the fairer sex. Since my memory isn't that great when Iam drunk, which I seem to be perpetually, they think I can keep a secret. Problem is when a memory surfaces like a whale coming up to breathe once in a while and I happen to be around the offending husband aka my friend, which them prompts me to enquire : 'So , you still into wearing her panties to work?'
Silence. Sudden chill in the air and then I never see him again. Magic.
3. Take sides in their marital problems. Listen to this very carefully : You will be the loser in this. Most of the problems a couple has will resolve by itself and when that happens they will one day sit down , cuddling in the couch and talk about that 'silly fight' they had over him wanting a child and she postponing since it will interfere with her career. Then that idiot friend of yours will say , ' You know what ? Tys told me that I should be a man about it and 'forget' to wear the condom...haha..think about that...hes such a jerk..haha...'
Silence. Sudden chill. I never see them again. Then theres this rumour floating around that Iam a real prick. Wonder where that came from.
4. Forget their names. Trust me ,this happens.I have met some of my greatest best friends from my school days (or so they say) and I have no idea who this back slapping guy is. He talks about the time we supposedly sneaked out of the dormitory and stole carrots from the neighbourhood farmers and how Singaparaja was caught and was tied to a pole etc. You recall all this but you cannot for the life of you remember this guy's name. So you go like : ' and you are?'
Silence. Sudden chill. You never see him again.
5. Remember too many details about your friends; and if you do, please , for heavens sake, do not, I repeat, do not tell that as toast at his wedding. Somehow the story about his misadventures with the local lady of the night and the resultant trips to the clinic may seem funny to you but his soon to be wife may not find it very amusing. The resultant pin drop silence as you deliver your punch line should be a fair indication that you are now officially off the list of toast makers in all your friends' weddings and also off the list of friends to be invited to their homes in the future. But the great part is your faux pas will live on and will liven up many parties in the future where your absence will not even be missed.
6. Make commitments that you have no intention of keeping.
Its my firm belief that friendship is probably the only relation apart from being a child where you can treat the other party in the relationship like shit and get away with it. This belief stems from the fact that friendship is not tied down by any preconditions and expectations ( which no matter how great that sounded, it is total bullshit- as my experience has proven).Never say yes to something you have already decided to be a no. If you did, then please don't make a habit of it.
I, my friends, am guilty of this. In my defence I can claim that it was never intentional but I almost never turn up for any dos that I have been invited to. It has reached such a point that if I ever do turn up, the party becomes in honour of that.
I treat my friends badly. I don't keep in touch. If not for my wife, I wouldn't even have the remote sense of social life that I currently have.If its any consolation, I treat my family even worse.
So, today I would like to thank those 5 that still stands. Despite my erratic treatment of them, I think they know that deep inside this callous heart of mine, Iam grateful for their acceptance of me. That in an other week I will still be only 5 years old.... like I have been for the last 15 years.