Thursday, May 20, 2010

Heart Locker

Ever said the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong possible way to your wife?

You have haven't you?

Apart from the house becoming as cold as the Arctic, theres also the silence that is so thick, that you walk around the house as if its filled with treacle. Whoever thought out that phrase: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', must have been one screwed mother fucker.

This post is your guide. Its your Hurt locker.

This is all about how to diffuse your pissed off wife.

Right in the beginning gauge your situation.

In order to diffuse anything, you need to completely understand the situation you are in.

You probably are now sleeping on the couch, so you have all the space you need to think and visualize your situation completely. Observe it as an outsider would. See your pathetic state devoid of feeling. Understand and accepts the facts. This will aid you later.

Fact 1 : You are screwed. This situation can go on indefinitely unless divinity interferes by making your infant fall down the steps and cutting her lips. The resultant emergency parental mode will provide you the opportunity to do the great heroic father act and pronto!, the episode is pushed into the background.

Diffuse idea no.1 : Push your child down the stairs.
Do this only if the child has not yet started speaking. The wrath of a mother is something you wouldn't want to find out first hand. It makes the fury thing seem like a round in the ring with Woody Allen.

Fact 2 : Everything you say is going to be used against you. This means that even if there was some amount of reasoning behind some of the things you had said in your argument , it is of no value right now. Try and recall the exact words that turned an amicable conversation into World War 3. Remembering that and avoiding that subject in all future conversation would mean the continuity of your nuts in its respected place .

Diffuse idea no 2 : Throw yourself down the stairs.
Hurt yourself. Totalling your car in the bargain is not a great idea.Avoid excuses like a bad head ache and any pain related to your stomach. Both are patented pains of a woman and theres no way yours are going to exact any sympathy. You need to go for something a tad bit serious. This will make the wife go on her mother/caring mode. You need to accept the caring gracefully, preferably with a bit of teary eyed appreciation ( pocking your own eyes when not being observed is a simple but effective way to get teary eyed fast). Don't overdo the teary eye bit, its really nauseating.

Fact 3 : If you are still reading this then you are aware of the silent treatment. You cannot break the women's code of silence. They decide when it should be called off. So your offhand make peace comment about the wonderful smell from the kitchen will only increase the duration of the silence. Do not , under any circumstance, feed the silence. When given the silent treatment, accept it. If you are not a believer in god, now is a good time to start. Prayers can give a man hope.Thing about silence is that it make a man feel guilty. With no apparent reason.

Diffuse idea no.3 : Throw her down the stairs.
Try not to make this serious. Cutting the break line is a bad idea, so is puncturing the gas line. It will be better to get her sick. Basically get her in a position for you to take care of her. Then go full out as if shes got only a week to live. Over do this. You will be forgiven.

Fact 4 : Truth is today's marriages are claustrophobic. In the olden days, a woman's energy could have been dissipated in varied other persons like the mother in law, sister in law, brother in law, nieces, nephews etc. The nuclear family has ensured that the husband and wife now has to get along with each other 365 days without a break. This is enough to make anyone go a little mad. So take consolation in the fact that even though it may appear that you are the cause of the problem,you are only a small part of a large problem. That makes you feel better, doesn't it? The world screws her over and you get the treatment.

Diffuse idea no.4 : Pretend partial amnesia.
Proceed with your life as if that particular incident did not happen. Go on as if you have no idea why she is changing the weather in the house. Whistle when you shave. Tell her she looks beautiful. Come back from work and tell her all about your lousy day.This will drive her nuts. Wives hate when the message they send out is not getting adequate responses. In this case proper grovelling and behaving like the dog that has bitten its master.She will be forced to bring it up with you and this is where you go :

eh? When was this? I have no memory of this? Are you sure you didn't dream this?

That is sure to confuse her. In about a years time, she will just think that shes crazy.

Fact 5 :Women are just guilt in skin. They are reared from childhood to be that way. We need to thank society , her parents , her relatives and men like us for bringing them up believing that the fault must lie with them. Bravo. Its easy to make them feel guilty.

Diffuse idea no. 5 :Kill off an imaginary friend.
With the amount of plane crashes and disasters around, theres a likely hood you may not have to make this up but if you are the sort of man like me, then the odds of the few you have dying by anything other than old age or liver related diseases are stacked very high against you. So kill off someone whose name sounds like someone you might know.Base your lie on some amount of truth. Study the dead friend in the face book. Be grief stricken . Start sobbing on the breakfast table. Don't reveal everything right away. Let it be wringed out of you. Remember the fact 5. She is going to feel dreadful placing her feelings above yours.

Fact no. 6 : All relationships are based on needs. Every single relationship is based on some sort of need or needs. There are no other kind of relationships. If you are in a relationship, theres a need thats being fulfilled. Even a seemingly unhealthy relationship is still maintained by needs. Nowadays we got fancy terms for it, like love, desire, passion, wants, security etc. These are all the same needs masquerading in different gears.

Diffuse idea no. 6 : Just say sorry and mean it.
Tell her why you said what you said.Talk to her. If she still chooses to continue the same way, accept the fact that for some it takes a little longer to regain themselves from hurt.

Be kind.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Great Indian Circus

I have been silent last week.

No. Really.

I took on this advanced course in art of living which involved maintaining silence for 4 days.

Is it just me or is there more out there who thinks that theres something weird about doing a 'course' in the art of living. Hell, if you breathe,you are alive, stupid.

Anyways. It was nice.

Saw a lot of butt cracks.

There should be a law against people doing yoga wearing low waist track pants and short t shirts. Silence doesn't help either.

Thing about art of living and Sri squared Ravi Shankar is that you get what you paid for. Its absolute value for money.They have an agenda and they need money for it and they are selling you the ticket to enlightenment. I like it. Its in some ways very honest.

The rich shall gain heavens and the meek will be the only ones remaining to inherit the earth. How poetic.

If you are an obnoxious ,anti religious, anti cult, anti social being like me, then all you need to do is skim away the guruji nonsense,learn the skills , thank the dude and move on.

I have nothing against people who walks around with a look like they are having their nether region tickled .

Truly I have nothing against this.

Each one to themselves.

But I understand this obsession with God men.

They seem to be the only ones who seems to be getting any action.

Thing is I have no idea why people are so bothered by this.

I have seen no job description of a Hindu god man that says that he cannot have sex. There is no commandments that states that the day one joins the saffron brigade, one has to curl up his ding dong and put up a Not In Operation sign on it. I dont understand the fuss. The clans in the Mahabharata started with the progenies of a Vyasa Munni.

I do know what the real problem here is.

You fuckers are jealous, aren't you?

You just cant stand the fact that there could be guileless , vulnerable women out there who will do it to you and still worship you, if only you were a god man. You are green with jealousy. You are incredible hulk green. You just cant stand it. No wonder you are ready to rip apart a man and a woman having consensual sex and the only problem you can find is that he is a god man. If you are going to use the argument that these guys are exploiting the vulnerability of these women, then I will kick you in your groin.

Which one of you fucks has not used the vulnerability of a woman?

We are constantly exploiting vulnerability. Each time you on the TV your vulnerability is being exploited. The marriage that you hold so dear is vulnerability being exploited.Your religion, your politics, your relationships, your roles as parents, your status as a child are all thriving on exploitation of the said vulnerability. So boo hoo to your crocodile tears for the vulnerable woman in the man's bed.

So admit it. Go on. You are so fucking jealous.

But if your are into orgy, then you need to become a politician.

Ask Tiwari

Personally I think we should give this guy a standing ovation.