In the hands of the gods

You know that you are getting fat, when parts of your body starts having its own climate. Its currently hot around my equator and cold on my poles.

Australia is doing fine thank you.

I really need to join the gym. Since my birthday is coming up, its the best time to do this. Joining the gym is my annual must do thing. I either do it on my birthday or just after the new year. I normally discontinue and get back to my JD and couch lifestyle in about 2 months after that. So technically my body survives due to the effort it is made to go through for 60 days to endure 300 days of abuse. Let me tell you, it works. Iam still alive albeit a little beefy. Which means that theres more of me to go around.

Did I tell you that I went to a Nadi Astrologer when I was down in India? Well I did. Why I didnt tell you earlier was probably because the stars were not aligned.I don't want to sound judgemental or skeptic but what the hell, I will tell you anyway. Captive audience. How I pity you.

Anyhows.

So my mother takes me to this place where there are these 2 characters ,with pictures of half a dozen gods and a picture of Mecca and Christ and a statue of the laughing Buddha thrown in for good measure, sitting in a small room.

My younger brother was also with me, which means that if astrology really worked, this was the day these two guys would have taken a vacation or gone to watch a good Shivaji movie. But they didn't, so I had my doubts from the start.

Heres how it works. First go this link and this and this.

Good. Now you know what the fuss is all about. Excited? Unbelievable?

Yep.So is the advertisements for increasing the size of my penis.

Anyways. First our fingerprints are taken. So in the occult society I can be identified. Then my address is taken. My full name, with complete detail of my birth ( not the gross stuff, the date , place and time). Then the guy goes inside to search for my leaf.

Iam thinking : GOOGLE!

Here's the funda, if you have been too fucking lazy to go to the links I had kindly provided.

Apparently 2000 years ago some jobless sanyasi decided to write the details of the lives every man and woman that has been born , are born and will be born. How do you identify yourself from these leaves? Its from your finger print. The whorls in your print gives an idea where the search should begin from. Then they get warmer by asking you questions which you answer and then viola! your leaf is found. Then the fun starts.

So the guy brings some bundles of leaves, which apparently are copies. Think about that! Not only some guy wrote this , now theres some odd guy copying this. Man, people have too much time.

Then the questions start.

You have siblings?

Yes.

1?

No

2?

Yes.

One is a girl.

No.

You are one of 3 brothers.

Yes.

You are married.

Yes.

Your wife's name starts with Aaa, Baa, Saa

.... by now Iam onto this guy.

So this goes on. At the end of it, you end up giving him every single information, while his partner feeds all my birth information into some astrology software and you have the ultimate Hindu Scam.

To think this has been going on for 2000 years. Going by the cave drawings the penis enhancer has been there longer.

Half way through the guy giving you back what you have told him , interlaced with some Sanskrit mambo jumbo, he will say that theres this problem in your destiny. Which is always blamed on this poor planet who is in the Hindu bad books since time began; Shani aka Saturn. Of course in order to remove the obstacle, you will have to do a pooja in a temple in Tamilnadu, give clothes, 9 type of fruits, 9 type of sweets etc to the said astrologer. Once these are done, Saturn obediently steps aside for you to go out there and fuck the princess and kill the king. If the corrective steps are not taken then more than you, the people you love around you is going to be fucked. Bummer.


By now, we are onto this guy, mainly because we have seen the pattern. First they had 'read' my mother, then it was me and then my younger brother. So we kind of knew when Saturn is going to be introduced into our life story and how Tamilnadu temples are going to come to our rescue.

I think he kind of realized; something which we mallus say, which when translated means ; that this beans is not going to cook here.

Then he got nasty.

My life from where I stand is now licked by a dog ( mallu saying. Which is not meant to be a nice thing, I mean getting licked my the dog bit). Then he took off on my brother. Now he is more screwed than me. This situation was like taking the snake from a fence and wrapping it around your waist ( another mall saying) , also a lot like giving a stick to get beaten ( I think this is an international saying).

So we came away, laughing our guts out. Apparently mother got calls from there for nearly a month, asking her to do the puja.

I wasn't impressed. Truth is I don't think this is even relevant. Astrology is our means to make sense out of our fear of uncertainty. I have heard the argument that the gravitational pull of planets can have an influence on our body, since we are mostly liquid. If that is the case then the doctor who was the nearest to me probably would have had a stronger pull than Saturn for heavens sake.

Me being fat is probably influencing all of your future.

Look, Iam not a believer neither will I slam something I do not know too much about. But Nadi Astrology is just hogwash.

Even if it isnt, what exactly did you gain by knowing that in your last birth you were a merchant in Karnataka, who is cursed by a woman? Or that you were a Tantric Brahman woman who used your black magic on some innocents?

Man, I can tell you anything I want to fill in the gaps of a memory you don't even have. Which includes your future.

But what I cant tell you is if your penis will increase length in the near future. Now thats something which is best left in the hands of the gods ( no puns intended)