Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lost & Found

One of my blogger friends called today to tell me that her ex has lost his mother.

I curbed my first instinct to ask her, 'where?'.

Years of married life has taught me to be polite and the art of pretending to care.

After going on for sometime about the suffering of the poor woman, she consoled herself by telling me that she must be in a better place ( Not my blogger friend,who is still alive, so she must have been referring to the 'lost' woman).

I have a problem when people tell me things with certainty about things they possibly can have no clue about.

Better place?

Let us go with the popular assumption that we are all some sort of energy expressing our self. In which case the body is the vessel through which we choose to do this expression.

With me so far?

Since the body to a large part is a sensory device, this world we see around us then must be perceived through the functions of our senses. More or less. So it stands to reason that when we die; if this energy actually exists and this energy is what you and I really are; then devoid of the body everything around us will cease to exist because we cannot perceive it anymore. Its not that it does not exist but it just cannot be perceived anymore. This should be death. Right?

Actually it cant be that simple. But it sounds nice because it ties everything up very nicely. Problem is , will we be able to perceive us as our self? Possibly not. Without a reference point, which the duality of body and soul concept conveniently provides, I cannot point to one and say this one is me. Therein , my friends lies the paradox of death. For all practical purpose, it seems that with death, you and I cease to exist.

Better place? I have no idea. I cant even my bend my mind around the concept of a world without perception. You try it.

My friend thinks Iam cold. Iam not.

She thinks Iam morbid. Iam not.

She feels the dead should be respected because life is sacred and a person's death leaves a void. That effect of a person's life on another should be respected.

You think? I have no idea.

I dont know this person. Neither does my friend.Atleast not intimately. Any void she must feel is probably self induced. In this virtual voyeuristic world, where one can be kind to a nation by swiping a card, its probably self satisfying to assume that we care because we can shed tears in front of the TV screen.

We care.

Iam not belittling anything. Emotions are emotions. But lets be realistic. I certainly didn't lose my sleep when a plane went down and 96 people died.Some one's parent, husband, wife, brother, son, daughter..what have you. The only void they must have left is in the thoughts and life of those whose life was intertwined with theirs intensely. That void too will fill up.Eventually. The dead are carried only by the living. Like Siva carrying the body of Uma until the rotten carcass fell piece by piece on earth. Dead do not leave any void. The void is in the living.

As for respect. The dead don't seem to care too much for it.

So my question, my friend, still remains :

Where did your ex lose his mother?


Navin said...

Well said! The illusions that we conjure up to make it easier to be the one left living.

Jules said...

Dead people are never lost because they live through our thoughts and memories. I think that's the simple way to say it. :O)

Sankoobaba said...

"That void too will fill up.Eventually."


why cant people give some much love/respect/care to people when they are alive...when alive they are taken for granted

only when dead they realize this..

TIA said...

I still think you are being morbid and stoic!!
I may not miss her as much as my friend, but I know I feel some loss which may not be great. And this isn't self induced! It's like losing your favorite gold ring or your favorite T-Shirt.

Tys on Ice said...

@navin: peas in a pod, bro, peas in a pod...i have felt that contrary to the fear of hopelessness , facing things without a stand in somehow is very liberating..

@jules : both are dead, dont u think?..memories are remanent junk from the past..both are dead..so to some extent the dead are remembered in dead...both have passed away..

@sankoobaba: its difficult to live with the living...dead are more accomodating that way, they fit into the pegs we allot them without wriggling around too much..

@tia :this is why i like you..u are still talking to me..i wasnt saying that your feelings are not real...of course it is but its still self induced...u seem to think thats a bad thing...wht most of us dont like to accept is that everything we do is self centred...the sun does shine out of each of our arses...its a billion universes existing simultaniously, coexisiting...why do u think u need the concept of a single unifying factor?...

personally i dont think ur ex is going to be too flattered that ur grief for his lost mother is equal to ur feeling of loss for a gold ring or a comfy t-shirt ...but i think u hit the nail on the head...now the question of the year:

will it be the same when u loss ur mother?

i bet u wanted to ask me that, didnt u?

Madhumita said...

"ny void she must feel is probably self induced" ... how insufferably arrogant of you. As for the rest, I think its your thought proces that is a little too pat. I'm with Navin on the illusions thing ... but whats new here?

humbl devil said...

have to agree with tys...couldnt have put it in better words...

@ tia
she gets compared to a ring or fav t-shirt???
i think you are contradicting yourself...when you say it's not self induced...

if i may...my two cents...
you were close to the person who lost his mother...the first thing that comes to mind is how is he coping...how terrible a loss for him...
and this is bcoz you are close to your mother...

think it over...:)

Poori said...

Major digression from said topic, (really?? hmm..),why the hell did you erase all your earlier posts man? I mean youre killing us with a post a minute now, so couldnt you have let it be???? Now I read the Carrefour 'best buys' brochure to jog my laughter buttons. Sob!

Have you stored the old posts someplace?? Can you frikkin send it to me?? Can I PAY you for it?? Huh?

Talk to me, Tys, talk to me!

Niall young said...

All the more reason to make sense of (possibly) and live your life to the full whilst we are here and now!
By the way..how is it that when ever we hear of someone dying..they are always spoken of as being"As nice a person you could ever hope to meet"...and "Nothing was too much trouble for him".You never hear "He was a sad old git, he smelt and was ugly...i'm glad he's dead!"?

Tys on Ice said...

@mads :It does sound arrogent doesnt it? The problem with toneless communication..the very word illusion means that its not real...

@humble devil : thanks but to be fair to tia, shes being real honest ... in reality our compassion to the passing of someone who we hardly know is exactly how she said it is...it is a loss of comfortability...in death we only mourn ourselves.

@poori : time to take ur medicine girl...we had this talk almost 3 months ago..remember?..u dont?...did you fall again?

@niall : u wait till i die and then come for the wake...u will hear what u just said...i guess its easy to live with dead people.

AMIT said...

They are always alive in our thoughts and memories.

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eunoia said...

i like what you wrote here. the void is in the living and even that would fill up. brilliant.

Anonymous said...


I like your logic, but I will have to disagree you with you on parts of grief and emptyness.

I don't think these are self induced and I will give my reasons, but before I do I will tell you few things.

My mother passed away on 14-01-2012 . The kind of low I felt I have never known in my whole life prior to this before. Grief is definitely not self induced, what it is I will give my whole take, when we have more time to talk.