It's the time of the year for retrospection. I have decided to include some fruits into my life. So for this month I have given up Jack Daniels and has taken up Vodka with Orange Juice.
I need the vitamins.
I have had the time to sit and reflect on many things. For one thing, being Ramadan, everything closes early. Which means that I reach home very early in the evening and have absolutely nothing else to do than watch my cat watching me. Somehow this time, Iam not particularly enjoying this being alone bit. Iam also beginning to get to know me a lot better. Iam not particularly liking myself a whole lot either.
Iam absolutely indisciplined.
This is very surprising. Considering that I have spend a larger part of my life in places where I had to follow orders. I used to shine in those environments. Put me in the army and I would become Rambo but take away someone who can show me what I can do, Iam like a dog in the park.
Normally I let my wife lead me. She tells me fetch and I fetch. When shes in the car with me, I just stop thinking. She has to even tell me the routes that we have travelled a thousand times before , much to her chagrin. I guess, given a chance, I can totally surrender living to someone else. My only problem is when others tries to influence my thoughts and words. Then I become rabid.
What I found out is that, if it wasn't for the fact Iam married, I would have destroyed myself long ago. Not that Iam doing such a great job of preserving myself now but I have slowed it down a bit. Like I don't mix my pills with my drinks anymore. Its a big step. Trust me.
I seem to love instant gratification. My life has no five year plans. Hell , it doesn't even have a 1 day plan. The maximum I can see forward is to the end of the day . I need to put something I enjoy at the end of that day, so that I can motivate myself to get there. I read somewhere that there are people trying to achieve this by reading books and paying self help gurus (!). Iam , what you call, living in the moment. In a semi daze.
I also cant seem to do anything that I don't like doing. I bet its the same with everyone, but the difference is that I don't do anything I don't enjoy doing. So if Iam doing something, Iam enjoying it; or trying it out to see if Iam enjoying it. If I don't , I will not do it and if Iam forced to do it for reasons beyond my control, I let everyone know that I hate what Iam doing. Iam very honest that way. This exasperate my wife but she somehow manages to deal with it.
Iam affectionate but not very demonstrative. I am scared of intimacy. I guess I was like that before. Iam not sure now. I was always scared that I will find someone who will coax me to reveal everything about myself to her only to have her pull the plug on me one day. It has happened to me before and I don't like being vulnerable. I have a tendency to protect myself because Iam a selfish, cold hearted coward when it comes to my emotional safety. I cannot afford to go down that road again. I almost didn't make it before. Iam also aware that this can be a self fulfilling prophesy. So loving me must be very tiring.
If left to myself, Iam inaction.( Isn't that word ironic? In action should mean being in action, yet it stands for an action less state).Most of my thoughts when Iam alone is about immediate requirements. My wife is aware of this. She knows that if Iam left alone, she will almost always find me in the same spot 3 days later. She drives me to action.
I don't mind.
Shes the one who normally will point out that I need to go and interfere when some boys are being harassed by security guards in a shopping center; or adopt three kittens that were going to put to sleep or pack food to drive to the railway station to feed an old lady or take on a potential eve teaser or visit a friend in the hospital or wipe out her savings to help someone. I need to be told. Otherwise I don't act. If I do, I do it without thinking and it doesn't register. She is the Rama to my Hanuman, the Draupadi to my Bhim, the Parvati to my Shiv.
Or the kick to my lazy bum.
She seems to have the road map and Iam just in it for the ride.
...and perhaps to change the tyre once in a while.
Its good to have a role in life I guess. Not that it really matters...but it helps.
I have this disgusting habit of mirroring.Which means that I have a tendency to mirror anything that's put in front of me. If Iam reading a book, Iam that book until the next one is placed in front of me. It could be a book, a movie, a person...It last only as long as it is in front of me. It leaves no trace when its removed. Iam not influenced, just merely reflecting. So most people tend to like me because I seem their type. Iam very good in becoming what ever it is you want me to be. My younger brother, I suspect, is aware of this. I bet he finds it amusing. I think the real me is silent and likes trekking;
.. if he can get over his drinking.
One more thing, isn't it amazing that all organized religions have become what they were fighting against? I guess when one looks the beast in the eye for too long, one risks the chance of becoming it.