Sunday, April 10, 2011

Pussy Galore

Its not like I hate cats.

I dont. I just find living with something which has an expression on its face as if it knows my inner most secrets, a lot like being married to the damn thing.

Its unsettling.

Iam a man. Atleast I think Iam. After hitting 40, there has been a tendency to cry in movies, have temper tantrums and a penchant to behave like , god forbid, a woman. This , I have read, is due to the reduction in the production of testosterone, which is the chemical within us, that makes men men. Funny when you think of it. That the only thing stopping men from becoming a woman is a chemical.

Anywho. Now that my boobs are bigger than my wife's and my stomach eclipses the only identifiable male part that I may no longer have, since I have taken to sitting down when I pee, Iam not very sure when I claim that Iam what Iam because Iam a man.

But I find any man who likes cats a little strange.

Iam currently residing in the Sand City. Here , unlike , in the home country, when one takes a pet, its for life or untill it is release onto the concrete jungle where they become part of the road reenforcement plan or gets taken in by some misguided do gooder who then gives it to an animal shelter like Feline Friends or K9 Friends etc, where they are recycled to live their potential road kill destiny all over again.

Life sucks if you are a human but its double suck for an animal that is not a horse or a camel here.

Iam proud to say that I belong to that breed of men who has made the ostrich approach to life a lifestyle. When Anna Hazare fasted, I was rooting for him with beer and pizza. When Japan quaked , I expressed my sympathy with 5 pegs of JD. Iam like that Nero. You will find me fiddling while the world burns around me and it will be easier because I will be watching it on TV.

But all that was spoiled when wife went out and came back with an animal that was animated only when you open a can.

Now I need to live with this fur ball for its life time which can be around 15 years. Being a cat, you will also need to multiply that by 9. So Iam not liking this one bit. My conscious and the fear of my wife prevents me from releasing the object of my wrath to play dodgeball with hurtling metal coffins on wheels.

Cats are useless as pets. It doesnt fetch. It doesnt roll. It doesnt save you from fire and robbers. It doesnt act like a 4 year old boy on speed when it sees you after you have stepped out for 5 minutes.

Men need that. We like knowing that we are missed. We like thinking that we somehow makes a difference to someone or something.

Cats dont give a fuck.

What it does is sleep 18 hours of a day in your wardrobe , snuggled amidst your black clothes covering it in unremovable cat fur, waking up only to shit or when you open a can. Then they spend the next 1 hour walking around the house at 3 in the morning making noises that sounds like Lady gaga being strangled.

I have always felt that the amusement in the eyes of a cat is it wondering how on earth it managed to have a human as its pet.

Therefore its a mystery what still makes these buggers a welcome addition in some houses.

I think theres a reason why the Egyptians used to worship these feline spongers. Any animal that makes you clean up its shit is worth worshipping.

Theres an old saying :

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I think I will just pour myself a drink.

17 comments:

The Xeno said...

Ha Ha! i loved that phrase, "Lady Gaga being strangled"!!!

rantravereflect/ jane said...

hAAAA ya're way too funny :) ya deserve to enjoy that drink mr.puss in boots!

Sankoobaba said...

i find your similarity between cats and woman ...true.. not all women..but esp. those that self obsessed Aries.. they are simple selfish..so to get food or cuddle..cats will brush against you..make cute faces.. and if they are not in mood..but you are..it will dig its claws into you...
cats are weird..they are pets coz they chose it.not like dogs ..who were domesticated by men...

Anonymous said...

Ur too funny n trust me when i say i'd so do u ;) Keep writing n plz do have a fb page

:)

tys said...

@xeno : lots of people wud love that, eh?

@jane: thank you, my lady.

@sanks:hmmm...been clawed, eh? by an aries, nonetheless...this is bad...next time, go for the domesticated ones..its pushes all the right buttons..

@anon: if u r a guy, take it from me, the back door is closed, locked and padded. If u r a girl, honey, u wudnt , couldnt and probably shouldnt.

i did the facebook suicide long time ago...iam not into social networks..in case noone mentioned , iam a sociopath..now iam kinda enjoying it.

Poornima said...

I hate cats. Love dogs. Also LOVED this post. You ARE mending your ways after all!

Congrats on nri.com btw! Im going around promoting it so kindly pay me.

Jules said...

I have a cat. It shows appreciation in other ways like trying to tri pme on the stairs or constantly meowing at my side when I'm on the phone. I am slightly allergic to him. I can only stand to pet him for short durations and then he cops an attitude. Cats are for sure little uppity snotty things. But, comforting to have something else int he house on my alone days. He likes to sit under my chair when I'm at the computer. He's really much more attached to me than I am to him. Yet somehow, after having him for 14 years, life would be a bit empty without him.

I found your post most interesting when you were talking about how men are just women with dicks. Errmm.. I mean more testosterone production..... ;P

The Grunt said...

I like cats only if they go around killing stuff.

The thing with dogs is that you can be a horrible person, but as long as you are half-way decent to the dog, it just loves the shit out of you.

tys said...

@poori : in regards to the-nri.com thingy, it appears sometimes to me that iam being given enuf rope to hang myself one of these days...by the way i will give you 50% of what they pay me...now, only if i can divide zero by two.

@jules : men after middle age are women with dicks...ur cat sounds like a great personality...14 years old, eh...thats a long time for u not be attached to him.

@grunt : i totally agree..in india, pets come and go in your house...i guess its this apartment living which puts ur pet in total proximity...it gets irritating to have a fur ball constantly weaving near ur leg, so that it can trip u down the stairs..iam kinda onto them..

the feeling lioness said...

yes,cats don't give a
fuck....but I kinda don't mind
arrogance is the beauty of a cat

tys said...

the feeling lioness : wudnt have expected anything else from you..arrogance in a lion is admirable becoz it can eat u and it knows it and therefore shows it...but in a cat is very misplaced and silly...all i need to do is throw it frm the balcony to verify the truth in it landing on its feet.

Siddhartha Joshi said...

Hahahaha...this is so damn funny! I am not too fond of cats, but don't hate them either. They are somehow too self assured to be pets...

Awesome writing man!

Pundit Commentator said...

I'm a woman and it's not that I hate cats....'Nuff said.

diyadear said...

lady ga ga being strangled.. hilarios!!!!

Raveena said...

Cats look at you like you are inferior to them. They are only meant for spinsters.

LOLCATS are awesome though.

Sairam said...

Lovely post.

Many lines made my lip line stretch - the forty thing, nero and the burning world, Egypt and cat.

You rock.

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

I always knew you are secret taliban. You hit the nail on the head when you compared it to women. :) :)

HARRY