Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kneaded Here.

There are things that can totally shake the ground that you stand up on. Like finding out one day that Gandhi was a foul mouthed Nazi or Jesus finding out that Joseph really was his father.

For me, it was when Soumya told me that Shakeela chechi is actually from Tamilnadu.

Thats like saying the peacock is the national bird of Great Britan.

People should not play with other people's faith. Its bad manners. I bet she was punishing me for being rude to her. Jerk.

I have nothing against Tamils. If I do, you will not find me saying it here. Never mess with a population who takes their cinemas seriously. The last time I said something about a certain actor whose name starts with R and ends with t, my girl child became a boy. Now unless I want my marraige to become a lesbian alliance, I should probably stop this paragraph here.

There.

But Shakeela chechi?

Tamil?

How could this small detail of birth have been missed by her mallu fans? There is a whole generation of men from that prawn state whose epitome of sexual adventures were performed by others on the celluloid and the object of that lust was always this woman with a remarkably small head on top of gigantic assets. Shes the only woman I know, who could make a sexual congress ( my vote is on that) look like a piglet trying to suckle its mama. Its like the joke where the fly makes love to a Rhino and then asks her, did it hurt?

Mallu men who acts in mallu porns are elisted from the Kerala Tattukadas. I think this must be the day job. I came upon this revelation when I was sitting, sipping my black tea one night, waiting for my order of Parata and beef curry, watching the parata maker at his finest. He was kneading the dough. And I was going :

Wait a minute, I know that movement.

It was deja vu.

Images flickered by in my head like Amir Khan's in Gagani.Memories streamed out like a freshly squeezed Colgate toothpaste. I opened my shirt and looked at my tattoo. Shakeela chechi and the Kerala kamasutra number 79.

The boob kneading.

I had spoken about this earlier. The copyrighted sexual move of all mallu porn movie, which is followed by the nosing of the pleasuring womans body who lies supine like a fell oak, where only sign of life is the constant rubbing of her two feet like shes got a case of athletes foot.

And who can forget the visible display of a mallu girl in the throes of passion? The self biting of her lower lip with the eyes rolling back like a person suffering from an epileptic fit.

This was education to a generation whose daily lust fix was watching discreetly the women taking their bath at the temple pond from a distance of 1 kilometer.

There is a reason why we rank high in imagination. This is also the reason why mallu men hold hands. With each other.

This is also why we sport a moustache.

Its to brush away any dust while we do the nosing of our women.We have no idea what we are supposed to be sniffing for but if thats how it should be done , then thats how it will be. We are afterall a nation known for following the leader.

Sex is an important factor in Kerala.

Its like food in Ethiopia. Or health for a sick person. We dont get enough.

The result shows itself in public transports, bus stops, any crowded place, with embaressing regularity. This is why we need great individuals like Shakeela chechi. She will ensure that the horny mallu men will stay inside a theatre, like the sex trade in Amsterdam, where it can be controlled and dissipated in a healthy , socialy acceptable way.

Considering that Kerala gave Tamilnadu one of their most loved politician,MGR, its only fair we adopt Shakeela chechi as our own.

Its a fair trade.

I would like to leave you with a lovely picture of chechi in a pensive mood. ( If you are reading this at work and your boss is a mallu, make sure he is standing behind you while you scroll down; sure fire method to get into his good book)

28 comments:

Tia said...

LOL.. Almost died on hearing that she was not mallu huh.. And that image is positively gross. Can't see how you guys find her sexy.

Sankoobaba said...

wow mallu-education

Vidya said...

and Arun has this wide smile because Shakeela chechi is now Shakeela akka and that the Tams can claim what's rightfully theirs....

I type under duress...

I'll call u later in the week!

Poornima said...

'..with the eyes rolling back like a person suffering from an epileptic fit'?? LOL! Assorted beds (belonging to your lady readers) will be shaking with mirth every night while preparing to showcase their passion. & in the midst of all this drama, the poor blighted husbands!! You, my boy, will soon be responsible for the male population's sudden dip in confidence! ''My wife...I mean, she...she...*stage whisper* LAUGHS at me in bed, Doctor!''

You would have broken a fair dozen marriages by the end of the week. And I bet you a dozen oranges, mine is included...I kickstarted this evening by rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably when 'Parmeshwar' asked my son a simple quiz question: 'which is the National bird of India?' :-)

Siddhartha Joshi said...

Ah, this is certainly a revelation :)

The post was absolutely hilarious...I too saw quite a lot of Shakeela 'porn' way back on Surya TV! Being a North Indian I was initiated into 'Shakeela Fan Club' when I went down south for work, life was never the same ever again. However, I recommend not sniffing a woman ever...it backfires completely, and make you look nothing more than a pathetic dog looking for leftovers :)

--xh-- said...

ROTFL... no wonder we mallus makes best parathas - after all, it is our patented move :)

Sands | കരിങ്കല്ല് said...

she's actually from Andhra...

Gunnerz' Forever!!! said...

ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTE AWSUMNESS!!! :)

tys said...

@tia : i know..it hurts rite?...who said we find people we fantasise abt sexy? we are men remember, all we need is a seemingly needy naked women...why u think we find it difficult to understand women whn they say they cant understand men..

@sanks :its required due to the mallu functioning of common sense

@vidya: damn arun...now hes claiming the rite to our national treasure...dai!

@poori : its my belief that almost most women snigger at their husbands...naked men are funny, only michealangelo didnt think so but he had his reasons...why do u think women turn off the lights when they have sex?...and u think we really buy it when u say its coz u r shy?..we r onto u..many a times we have heard the guffaws from the bathroom afterwards..

@Sid : whts wrong with sniffing a woman : recall scent of a woman...big hit

@xh : among other things under our belt : like the nose tickler, our naturally produced oily skin which provides a moisturized massage while having sex...who can ask for more...and then its common knowledge we are well hung..i feel every woman shud try a mallu man atleast once in their life..

@sands : there u go moving the cheese again...someone shud chain that woman

@gunnz : if i cud wink, and point a finger pistol at u in a cyber kind of way, i wud.

Jon said...

What kinda fan you are...of course most of the A-padam actresses are not mallus...Even RReshma is not. Sad but true

Years ago these girls were our daily cup of tea. we used to check out the pics from any magazine. Now thanks to broadband we get better stuff from abroad and shakeela has turned character actress!

and the moves yea... now they r realy funny to have a laugh at

Poornima said...

Teeheehee, 'almost most' women snigger at their husbands is it? Granted. Who wouldnt?? But what I actually meant was that memories of your 'epileptic fit' line would induce unstoppable hysteria in your lady readers while theyre supposed to be in the throes of passion :-)

Spaceman Spiff said...

So if there is ever a Parotta-making Academy established, we know what the video tutorials will be, right? ;)
And it's always amazing how women in those movies orgasm at the slightest touch by their 'louvezhs'. Mallu men should put that on their resume. :p
P.S: Read your story in the NRI about the Mallu Shuffle. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.

Mag[m] said...

burst out of laughter....after a long time i read something so funny .... thnxs dude

soumya said...

sso! of all the things in the world, its for shakeela's nativity that i get credits for, or should i say discredit? seems she is from Nellore tys! And she has a page in IMDB!

now sit down and re-write the whole thing :D

tys said...

@jon: thank god for the internet where we can hone up our skills and our viewing pleasures have been subject to hithero unknown delights or mite i say, horror, of things that go in the name of lust.

but one has to admit that, there is innocence in a man who does not know what to do with something that has been handed to him...much like our saying, giving the monkey a garland.

@poori : trust u to latch on to the almost most..if it sounds correct, it must be correct.in regards to the throes of passion , i have nothing much to say..i kind of seize up the moment i see the iris being replaced by white and the lower lip being bitten...it looks like something out of Grudge and spooks the fuck outta me...give me the good old screams and scratches anyday.

@spaceman: i have always maintained that mallu men are adonis personified and that every woman worth their salt shud try a mallu at least once in their life..

@mag(m) : glad to oblige...

@soumya : no way!!..i refuse to rewrite this..this is my version of history...now they tell me shes from andhra...how much more pain can a man bear...let me go...let me live with my loss ...

Poornima said...

'almostmost' is just the tip of your iceberg Tys :-) But then again (since you wont listen anyway) we love you as you are, unedited rubbish English notwithstanding!

Pundit Commentator said...

I learned a lot from this post! LOL

Jules said...

Was there supposed to be something remotely sexy in that post? LMAO! I liked the imagery conjured up from the tattoo on the chest, though. This lady in that particular photo just did not turn my crank at all. Wasn't there a better naked photo to post?

Hemal Shah said...

lolzzzzzzzz couldnt stop commenting here..

Shakeela is said to be of Afgan origin...

tys said...

@poori :u are making me blush...hush woman..

@pundit : u need to tell me exactly what it is that u have learned.

@jules: how cud u jules? That is our national treasure. One day she will be on our flags.

@hemal : there u go moving the cheese further again...now i will find out that she is my neighbour in dubai.

Jules said...

Oh man... sorry Tys... what I meant to say was: Holy shit! She's so hot even I had a wet dream about her the night I read this post!

Poornima said...

hahahahahhaha, idiot!! Must-in-should THINK before shooting my mouth off with you, I must! :-)

Surya Karan said...

I am way shocked too.... though I am a northie I am a mallu by heart after spending four years with 'em in hostel..!

And I love their dough-kneading and epilepsy..

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

Why am I rubbing my hands, I'm not cold. Damn :)

HARRY

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