Friday, September 2, 2011

The short falls of metrosexuality.

The beauty of a short vacation is that you are in and out of the place before everyone gets tired of you.

I am not easy to live with. Hell I am so difficult to be around with that most of the time I am figuring out ways to kill myself.

Thing is I am a very sensitive person.

I take offence very fast. I am of the opinion that everyone out there is some way or the other trying to insult me.

Thing is I am a short, balding, overweight south Indian guy. There is probably something you will say to make me feel bad when you talk to me.

'It's a short walk from here'

'Overhead conditions are clear'

'That's heavy stuff pal'

'Don't sweat the small stuff'

See? It’s better to just keep quite when you are with me but then I might feel you are prejudiced towards me because I am a short, balding , over weight south Indian. That can offend me too.

There’s just no winning when you are dealing with sensitive people. I should know.

Don’t agree with me because I know you are just being patronizing because I am vertically challenged.


Someone somewhere said that you should do something that scares you at least once in your life. Apart from getting married, I recently went to a unisex saloon in the smog city of Bangalore to get a pedicure and manicure to put that saying to test.

Yeah. Call it my futile attempts in getting in touch with my feminine side. The only thing feminine about me are my man boobs. Sometimes I turn myself on if I happen to catch a sight of myself naked in the mirror after a bath.

I am digressing. Talks of boobs always do that.

Anyway, for moral support I dragged my father in law with me. He is one of the few men who has had whatever feminine side he might have had drained off him by having lived his whole life in a household consisting only of women. His wife and two daughters. He has held onto that masculinity like a drowning person clutches onto to a lifebuoy. Not the soap you moron.

So when attempting something which can scar you emotionally, I deduced that, having such a man by your side was like going to the butchers with Lady Gaga. It’s kind of a win win situation.

There’s something about having a woman marinating your pedis and manis in a bowl of warm water with antiseptic and soap, prior to clipping your talons. It’s embarrassing. It feels nice but it’s still embarrassing. Call me old fashioned but it’s strange having to pay someone to cut your nails. Especially when you have a good wife at home who can do this for you free. Only hurdle will be convincing her to do it. I have heard that compliments works well with women. Maybe I will go with:

That tent you are wearing compliment your figure. Could you cut my nails?

That should work.

Unknown fact: We were the first men in that unisex parlor to have ever done a manicure and a pedicure. So metro sexuality is still a myth in India. I knew it, you lying, cunning bastards.

Once we got our feet and hands to a presentable conditions, the visibly disgusted ladies where requested to give us a facial on a whimsical desire by the pop in law. I totally understood him. All our life we have been hearing about this beauty salon visits by the fairer gender, now was chance to find out what the fuss is all about.

Women, we found out likes choices.

They are the reasons why menus were invented. Think about it, when you walk into a restaurant, a man has only one thing on his mind. Hungry. Must find food. Give him any choices; you have on your hand a confused man. This is why men have affairs and always comes out looking like a bastard. They just don’t know what to do when there are too many choices. When life presents it like that, men like to have everything, including the one he really wants. Bastards. Precisely.

Women on the other hands, likes choices. Ever seen a woman with one handbag, a pair of shoes and 3 sets of clothes? Men can manage it, well, without the handbag but then who am I to judge fashion? For a normal, fully functional woman, she needs choices in her men too. She will need that ex boyfriend who was someone she cared for, she will need that blogger male friend who is the only one who understands her, she will need that college mate who is her best friend and the only one who really knows her and she will need her husband for whatever reasons. Women like having choices. They handle it better.

Men like it too but unlike women they just don’t understand things like right occasions and perspectives.

So when the ladies started listing out the various facials that are available, we were understandly confused.

There was, I swear, something which involved gold. In today’s economy!

We decided on something which involved just putting creams on our face and rubbing it in and then wiping it off. We had seen this on TV. It had looked silly but if Mel Gibson can carry it off, so could we.

We couldn’t.

For one thing, it’s boring. Then there’s this scrapping they do on your nose which is downright painful.

Before my masculine conspirator could suggest waxing for his academic research, we got out of there.


Will definitely do the manicure and pedicure again. It is indulgent and great. We felt like a million dollars for a whole day, while we kept waving our hands and keeping it on top of the table for a change.


Probably not. We looked at each other and figured it’s not really worth it. But then they didn’t have much to work to begin with. Pop in law thinks that they charged us a lot because we had more face for them to work on.


R-A-J said...

Awesum read, Tys!!

Loved the take on choices!!
Brilliant take!!

tys said...

@R-A-J:Thanks really do not care if I sleep on the sofa my whole life do u?...such overwhelming eyes are tearing up...

The Grunt said...

I've always felt that I could never get away with anything metrosexual. I'm also very self conscious of my body. I look like a Neanderthal from the neck down--not very slick.

Anyway, I identify with your views on choices.

twinga said...

I cannot quite picture you doing all that ... getting a mani pedi and a facial. I wish I could have seen it! :-)

Cocktail Party said...

Hilarious Tys...i had a hearty laugh reading this one
Totally agree with u on why men have affair, and women love choices, yes the more the better.
Though i was little surprised that u were the first person to try manicure and pedicure, off late lot of men get facials done, even waxing, which even i am scared of :)

Jules said...

I love that you went and did this on your own.. I mean without being told that your feet were too vile by the wife after it was too late already.

I hated the one facial I ever had done too. Plus it left my face red for the rest of the day and into the next.

Metrosexual men are SOO attractive. End of thought. Love a man who looks after his appearance. Even if you're short and stubby.. dress well and keep yourself well and nobody will notice the rest. ;) xo

Siddhartha Joshi said...

Hahaha...this was hilarious! Just the blog I needed to read in the morning to laugh out loud :)

"That tent you are wearing compliment your figure. Could you cut my nails?"...I am sure this would work! hahahaha...

Rolf rolf...

tys said...

@grunt: i dont think any man can actually be me it seems like the latest pick up line...all hail the neadethals!

@twiga : there are some sights you shud plainly avoid..wht u wud have loved was the look of sheer terror on the lady's face when i took off my sandals...

@cocktail : well according to my experience i think they are just bullshitting..apart from the movie stars, i doubt any real men is part of our my case theres a lack of it on top becoz iam compensated everwhere else..iam ur regular fur ball..

i bet u agree with the choices :) if only we cud juggle it as well as u guys do!

@jules : metrosexual men are a myth..i went for it becoz i have this list of things that i need to get done thins year...this fell under the category of doing something new...but its really wonder u guys love spending time in the beauty saloon...

short and stubby?...did u know that short men are well hung? well, they are , dont believe me? go sleep with a short guy rite now.

fershers said...

what took you so long for the manis and pedis?

fershers said...

p.s. at first, i thought your blog name meant "ty so nice"

tys said...

@fersher: well, untill now, i cud bend and reach my toe with my midriff having its own climate and postal zip code, i have lost sight of my neglected toes ...hence the mani and was a necessity not an indulgence...

and in regards to ur doubt abt the name...many an unfortunate souls have thought the same...the name is Tys on ice...which i thought represented my final resting place in a morque..or on a cheerful note, sounds like a great cocktail..

Cocktail Party said...

Ofcouse I agree on the choices, we women are a smarter lot unlike men :)..and yes i have known men in real life who get their faces waxed, and some even their chest, though i had my doubts about their being men??

tys said...

@Cocktail : well, i guess theres only one way to find out... :)

Sairam said...

This is just fantastic. Love ur posts

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