Sunday, June 5, 2016

The Unraveling


Don't you just hate tags?

No?

i do.

i am supposedly a vegan. Yep that's supposedly what i am due to my diet. i am no vegan. i stopped eating meat because i didn't want to participate in taking life to feed myself. i was eating meat all my life until 2 years back , so calling it an ethical choice would be hypocritical. Right now i don't like to eat meat. That's basically it. i also feel that milk of an animal is meant for its young. If nature intended me to be drink cows milk, i would have been born a calf. Though i bullshit most of the time, i am certainly not a bovine. My balls are too small.

And lactose makes me fart.

So, vegan, i am not.

Recently someone said i am a feminist. Hell no!

i just don't like unfairness. And if you are a woman and get on the bad side of me by being a mean , unfair , rude , opinionated bore, i would kick your arse, even if you have boobs. i am pretty unbiased in my dislike for people.

misanthrope.

Nope, i avoid people as much as possible because others are my hell. Crowd energy hits from all sides. It tires me out. i get drained. So i avoid. Nothing against people, the problem is not them, its me. i try and occupy a small space in the society as inconspicuous as possible . Until and unless trouble finds me, i try and stay out of it. i like people from far.

bipolar.

Actually 20 years back it was called Psychotic maniac depression. i liked that better. It sounded like a condition. Bipolar sounds like a polar bear that swings both ways. i feel i am just moody. i have my highs and lows just like everyone. Its not a big deal.

Wife thinks i am delusional. i feel i am a dreamer.

My mother thinks i am impractical. i call it risk taking.

Actually i have no idea what i am . Like all, i am perceived. Perceived by other , perceived by myself. Funny thing is if i come across me i may not recognize myself. i dont seem to look at the whole me . i only look at parts. When i brush i look at my mouth. My relationship with mirror is very fragmentary. i guess that's probably why my selfies looks so fascinating to me. i am nothing like how i picture myself to be. i am way good looking in my head. Out there i look like a hairy scrotum.

i feel i have no real personality. i become the books i read, the movies i see, the music i hear, the people i meet. This is perhaps why i avoid interactions, as i can easily tune into the other and become a reflection. i become whatever the other wants me to be. Off late, i stopped that. i just didnt see the need. Now i am that guy in the balcony. I am that guy on the coach fixated on that painting on the wall. Until someone engages me, i am on standby mode. Nothing.

i am grateful to those who remained. i know that i am incapable of investing into a relation...everyone i know has come ... some stayed...some moved on....

Sometimes i feel it is fear that puts myself in my own shell. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of being hurt. Probably. I would be a great nut case study for a jobless shrink.

The last one i had was in Nimhans, who kept asking me questions. i recall only couple of questions he had asked. Most of the time, all i recall is this close up of his mouth , surrounded by thick pubic hair like beard, moving. i recall being fascinated. Couldnt take my eyes off. It was like watching a talking vagina.

i have come to a conclusion that any expression is a validation of the mind. Even these words are just that. i guess in some ways, since i have no one to actually talk to , i have no venue for bouncing ideas except with myself. Perhaps that could explain why my mind got fragmented some years back. Moreover, the quest i seem to be on is more internal than external hence, it is not easy to find a like minded person.

anyhow....

We will wade into more light hearted banter next time. Forgive me my indulgence which to most may seem narcissistic . Another tag .

In life i have noticed, we are often guilty of the traits that we despise in another. The emotions that we feel, especially the so called negative kind, is rather a useful indication where you mind is identifying with something that it does not want to acknowledge. Funny , no?


Truth is we are more connected than we are different. i know when i write this, i am writing it for some one of you.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

one do get the feeling that the writing is meant partly for the reader.
when someone doesn't have anyone to talk ...mind/ thoughts get fragmented??? (someone/ anyone.. rhymes.. cant think of better way to write that) oral discourse is a must for continuity of thoughts?.. better that way otherwise one fall into the trap of thinking that self is always correct..

Anonymous said...

@anon : perhaps you are right... a bouncing off of thoughts ...honest, searching conversations ...reading ... all are interactions... perhaps even this fragmentation within is an attempt by the mind to have a listener and a talker... there seems to be no correct or wrong ... writing is always for the reader... even when the reader could be just you...

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