Sunday, May 22, 2011

Killer gadgets and other things ..

Normally I am a very calm guy.

Ask my wife.

No much can ruffle my feathers apart from the usual. Which is everything that involves others. Then there are those everyday thingies that irritates the shit out of me.

Metal Hangers : Who is the sadistic freak that thought up a way to bend a piece of wire with a hook and say we can hang our clothes on it? Why is this implement a favorite of the laundry guys? I hate those things. It makes a racket in the wardrobe when it’s denuded of its garments. It pokes me when I try to take them out. It tangles with its fellow compatriots making itself into one of those irritating puzzles that is sold in the Global Village.

My day starts with dealing with one of these and then my day goes steadily downhill from there.

Toothpaste cap : Why are manufactures still insisting on sealing something with a cap that when opened is separate from the body? This is the era of can tabs that stay on the beer can after it’s opened. I have seen those click open and closing toothpaste which I think is marvelous. It rekindles your hope in mankind.

Then wife brings home those stupid toothpastes that have those fucking screwy caps which always fall and roll under the sink, which upon attempts at retrievals will ensure a close encounter of my head on the bottom of the sink, which will make me belt out a stream of expletives that results in my kids making a poem out of it. The next thing you know, the wife is calling the lawyers.

Hands free sets : I can’t use those blue tooth thingies. I handle a lot of calls in a day. The last one I had heated up and gave my ear a third degree burn. So I use that headphone stuff with wires.

I hate it.

Half my work is done from my car. So I have my phone held onto the windshield with a sort of clasp that came along with the phone. There’s a name for it but it’s probably an acronym TTTIBGFTTIWBTPSTHWTHHGHAB (The Thing That Is Being Given Free To The Idiot Who Bought This Phone So That He Will Think He Has Got Himself A Bargain).

To the thus suspended phone I stick the hand free in from one end and the car charger, which has those coiled wires, to the other end. Thus totally gang raped, my phone stares at me mournfully as I drive.

All hell breaks loose when I actually do get a call. This is when the phone, the charger and the handset conspire to kill me.

The hanging wires of the handset will get caught up on the steering wheel, pulling itself out of the phone. The yank of the wire will dislodge the phone to make it fall near my feet. I will then try to retrieve the phone by fishing it out with the phone charger that is still lodged in its orifice. While all this is going on I can hear the metallic 'hello!, hello!' of the caller. Around then, the charger dislodges itself, hurling the phone under the foot brake pedal of my moving car.

After hand breaking the car to a stop at the nearest parking area, I will proceed to rip the wires apart, throw the errant phone on the floor and kick it for good measure.

I do not take lightly my gadgets trying to kill me.

Sales person in clothing stores : Why do these guys stalk you? It’s not like she is going to help me try on my pants. No, that you will have to do by yourself. So why do they follow me? Last time, I wanted to see how far this can go. So I decided to do a Rambo on her. I pretended as if I am going to the pant section but quickly turned and disappeared into the women’s' section. From there I did a belly roll into the shirt section and hid among the racks. I could hear her breath as she came closer, where upon I jumped out of my hiding place with a g string in my hand to garrote her.

I am not allowed there anymore. I buy my clothes online. It’s more private and I get to browse the lingerie section without being labeled a perv.

So what about you? What gets your goat? Tell me the things that can make you go from Dr. Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk?

12 comments:

tys said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
diyadear said...

ha ha totally agree with u about the slaes persons.. I hate people who think that im in a clothes store to buy somthing everytime ;).. Thats when i miss walmart and stores like that..

Travel Bug said...

Hmm.. Rude ignorant people get my goat. People who drive while talking on thier cell phones inspite of laws against it (yes, I am talking to you stupid girl, gabbing on your cell phone and weaving in and out of lanes on the interstate, Friggin;' idiot.)
People who aske personal questions (yes you desi people) about how much do you make?
I dont ask you when you poop do I?
People who treat animals with cruelty.
People who keep trying to guess my religion..not your f***in business.
People who thinks its okay to give an opinion unwarranted and not asked.
well..people in general."I love mankind its the people I cannot stand".Snoopy said I think.

Jules said...

Men who don't put the toilet seat down. Seats are seats.. they're meant to be sat on. If it's forgotten, and it's say, night time without the light on, a woman just will half asleep sit and fall into the toilet. Thanks men, but we prefer to bathe in the appropriate places, not in the toilet bowl.

Love your sale person story. Did you tie a head band around you head and make any machine gun sounds?

I have a hands free thingy but I haven't ever gotten around to hooking it up to my blackberry. Now they've made it law to be hands free in your car, so I guess I'd better get with suit. I'm a bit afraid after reading your blurb on your killer phone though.. I don't want mine to feel violated and take it out on me.

Manasi said...

Lots of things get my goat...

1. Women who manipulate my mother-in-law to have me change my dress/jewelery at a family Marriage. Wont succumb again to such power-tactics and arm-twisting by women out to take revenge for the treatment their husbands get from my hands ;-)

2. Men who feel its their responsibility to make sure women don't do any chore outside the house or even drive the Car/MotorBike. I mean its a nice gesture and all, but it effectively makes their women incapable of surviving in the outside world without a man at her side.

3. Women who can't let go of their Son(s) after his marriage. Now lady, you are an extremely lovingly nice woman but don't hang from your son's neck in front of his Wife. She will not like you one bit thereafter because its a point of no return.

4. People picking on the taste/quality/freshness of food the moment it goes into their mouth as if all the commenting were an obbsessive compulsive disorder.

5. People who carry over the same personality disorder type qualities from their parent(s) even though they themselves can't stand the same bad qualities in their own parent(s). Come on People, we always have a Choice to become our own person in this lifetime!

6.7.8.9..... I can go on it i were unbalance and insane...

:-)

-Manasi

Anoop said...

Hilarious post!!!

What gets me riled up are:

Cashiers talking on phones instead of attending ME (customer)!!.

drivers who go at 20kph on the right side of the road.

and many more...
(don't want this comment to be mistaken as a post ;))

Tc

Sankoobaba said...

"Thus totally gang raped, my phone stares at me mournfully as I drive."

creative!!
-------------------
"Sales person in clothing stores" I find them too sticky.. I don't want to be bothered and yet they do..

------------------
my list:-
"fucking dumb drivers on the road"..
"copied hindi movie/songs that turn out super-hit"
"patrice evra(ManU player) opening his mouth to say anything"
"People messing up the table after eating food and leaving it as it is"
"when I miss my breakfast, especially when on a trip, due to people who are used to start their day on empty stomach"
"when Arsenal lose a match stupidly"
"when ManU win an almost lost match"

yeah.. thats all I can think of right now

Sankoobaba said...

and also dreamers crossing the road..they really invite us to be charged with
" negligent and rash driving "
or even worse
"culpable homicide not amounting to murder"

Cocktail Party said...

Even i find the sales person very annoying and everytime make it a point to tell them "will call u when i need"...
Then are these guys in office who think the only discussion women are interested in life is cooking..they ask me "so what did u cook today?"...i feel like replying did i ever ask u "what has ur wife or mother cooked today?"...

Next comes Body odour...i feel like giving them a gift hamper of soap, antiperspirant powder and deo...once they enter the office, whole place starts stinking and others have to suffer

Poornima said...

Kind sir, where art thy fair posts? I can foresee a raving, ranting one coming up, am SO rubbing my hands together in glee :-)

Tys on Ice said...

@diyadear: or like we are going to shoplift or something...i hate that all following thingy...makes me feel guilty for no reason...

@travelbug : :) ...feels nice to get all that out, eh?

@jules :whats with women and toilet seats...u do know how pleasurable its to have an arse jaccuzi?...we are just trying to be kind...u know? expose u girls to some hidden pleasures...why do u think we men come out smiling from a loo?

@manasi : man, those are really irritating traits...who u been hanging around with? time to change ur circle woman...:)

@anoop : yep. I have met the first one...i love the way they show that one minute finger at me while on the fone...but iam very patient...i sometimes even help with the conversation...really.

@sankoobaba : here we hve the invisible ladies crossing the road at nite...with the burqua they cant be seen and they are so dignified, they just glide across the road, while u try not to wrap ur car around the lamp post..

@cocktail : i know those guys....i have seen them in my office...i call them the tiffin brokers...'wht did u make for lunch?'...actually i kinda feel sorry for them...most are bachelors and i think they miss home cooked meals..

body odour really sucks man...

@poori : u keep rubbing ur hands in glee and u r going to start a fire...been busy man...with all the packing and the required period of mopping around lost...but....iaaaaam baaaack!!!

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

I hate people who drive sport car slow on the road, what's the point to that. I turn in to hulk on the road most of the time I'm nice.

HARRY