Saturday, June 18, 2011

Romancing a stone

One of the side effects of being liked for your virtual scribbles in the cyberspace is that you attract attention. Apart from the usual comments like,

'Nice.ROFL.Now visit mine and say the same thing.'

'you &$##**&% , who do you think you are?'

'I named by dog tys and then I kicked him to death. Die motherfucker die.'

, you also tend to get some readers who will mail you and try to get to know you.

This is very flattering.

I am that guy who in college would do the bidding of a girl for a long time, only to be told, while she hooks up with my best friend, how she has always seen me as a brother.

In girl code, that means you are ugly as hell and she won’t be seen dead going around with you.

Why is that no man has ever said to a girl who throws herself at him that he sees her as a sister? If he has ever said that to you, either you really are his sister or you are just plain ugly. I mean really ugly because men, trust me, are not very picky in certain of their requirements.

Or he could possibly be gay.

Either way it doesn’t flatter you, nor does it improve your self esteem.

So having a stray admirer, who is a woman, who thinks that you are worth getting to know does a lot for your deflated ego. You also know that this person has seen your profile picture which looks as I am lighting fire to my beard, and did not report it to BlogSpot.

For a guy who has, perhaps a handful of friends who I can treat like shit and still count on, I seem to have made some good friends through my blogging. I have met some of them and they are not the weirdoes I thought one normally meets in the cyber world. They are, in fact, really nice.

And they all prefer my wife to me, once they meet us.

I have no idea why, but apart from one male blogger, all the rest who have contacted me are women. They later on tell me that their husbands are my biggest fans.


I take the plunge and spend about 90% of my married life sleeping on the sofa and these guys probably download my site and leave it accidently on for the wifeys to 'discover'. Women being women will always sympathize with a man who is probably going through the same things her husband is going through, as long as it’s not her husband.

You don’t believe me? Let me see how you react when your husband says that he think pms is just a monthly get out of jail free card for a woman.

Now, please drop that knife and give the poor man his balls back. And, do call for the ambulance.

It’s easier when there’s a fall guy.

That’s me.

I still don’t get it when women say they like me and my writing. There must be something seriously wrong somewhere. I am a bloke.

But I aint complaining.

It’s not every day; someone contacts you and says that she admires your writing. Who doesn’t like that?

So this must be how Brad Pitt feels.

Wonder if this ever made Angelina Jolie feel insecure?

Now my marriage is based on trust. She trusts me not to do anything to jeopardize our relationship and I trust her not to take me up on that.

But being an idiot, I end up telling her everything.

Word of advice to all men who are on the threshold of marriage. Do not discuss your past with your soon to be wife. When she asks you if you have been with other women, trust me, she’s not asking you to confirm. You pulling out your sexual conquest souvenir book to give her an exact figure is not going to help your case either.

Ask yourself first; if you were in her shoes, would you have liked to know? And now that you know, do you sleep better at night?.Knowing that in today’s world, all the exs can be found in one place, called the face book or the orkut or some such flocking area. Nowadays old flames are like those trick candles, it just keeps lighting up no matter how hard you try to blow it out. So you can’t blame her insecurity.

That’s one of the reason I don’t do face book. It makes life too complicated and crowded.

Now I am one of those possessive kinds. But I am also that kind who doesn’t notice anything until my wife comes and tells me about it.

While we drive home after a party, me drunk and happy, wife, cold and distant, I turn and ask her the question which men asks that takes them down the rabbit hole: What’s wrong?

What’s wrong with you? She will retort

I try to surface my consciousness from the lake of alcoholic lanquidity, where it had been peacefully swimming in, to find a reason for that question or the answer to it (if it really requires one).

The sound that comes out from me while it’s being coaxed ashore is a perplexedly spluttered:

What did I do?

'It’s what you didn't do, you big oaf,' she says, ' you didn't even notice that guy who was hitting on me. What’s wrong with you? Do you even love me?'

Now, folks, this is tricky area.

You didn't notice. That much is true. But if you had and had reacted like a gorilla on a war path, which I had done once, things will not change much for you. The question will still be asked.

What’s wrong with you?

So I continue driving. Quietly. My chin hardened. With a grim look on my face. This is my fierce some look. It also looks a lot like my constipated look. This forces her to ask again.

What’s wrong with you?

So I reply. Each word measured. I had seen this being done with convincing effect in Terminator by the governer who has helped himself to the help.


I continue looking ahead. I can almost feel that smile on her face.

Yeah. They don't want us to fight for them, but they just like to be told we will, and when the shit does hit the ceiling, most of us actually will.

Trust me on that.

Can somebody tell why the women like that song : Hold a grenade?

" To give me all your love is all I ever asked cause
what you don’t understand, is id catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on the blade for ya,
Id jump in front of a train for ya.
You know I’d do anything for ya.
See I would go through all this pain take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes I would die for ya baby, but you won’t do the same."

This is not romantic man, its macabre. Not only do you want to kill yourself, you want the poor girl to do that for you. Shes probably right now getting a restraining order against you. Go find a small corner, curl up and die you fool. Let me not hear you giving my girl any more stupid ideas.

Hold a grenade. Really.


Madhumita said...

"Fierce Some"? Really Tys? Sigh ...ah well spelling was never your thing. No comments on everything else!

Sankoobaba said...

"while she hooks up with my best friend, how she has always seen me as a brother."

part of it happened to me in school...
a school crush..the sweet girl i though she was the one..full setting was done.. i knew her father..
my family knew her family.. and once she said to me a bus "be a sweet brother and share the window seat" ..
i was shattered..

"Word of advice to all men who are on the threshold of marriage. Do not discuss your past with your soon to be wife. "

i will remember this!!

baap re! what a post..!!

Poornima said...

@ 'seen your profile picture which looks as I am lighting fire to my beard': Lol. & such delight at your fan mail too! :-)

@Mads-**rolling eyes SO upwards that only the whites can be seen** REALLY glad you noticed the spellings. REEEALLY.

Cocktail Party said...

Hey nice one esp the logic behind calling someone a bro/sis

The question What’s wrong with you?...u are definitely not expected to be a gorilla but neither u shd be ignorant... u must know how to strike the balance :)

Another Blogger said...

This is my fierce some look. It also ,looks a lot like my constipated look.
LOL! For some reason that line gives enough fodder for my imagination to come up with such a spectacularly clear image.

ROFLOL! like the period after every word - very useful tactic.

tys said...

@Mads: u mean to say theres no word called fierce some?..this is why i dont like english...they never seem to have any words to what i want to say...

@shanks : i cud almost hear the shattered shards of ur heart hitting the ground...girls are really mean to ugly guys like think they always end up marrying people like us...must be the security, knowing tht noone will hit on us..damn.

@poori : shuddup woman...i like the attention ok?..i dont get it often so i plan to wallow in it...and moreover she is nice..she thinks iam talented..u only laugh everytime we meet...its hard to figure out if its meant to be insulting...

@cocktail party : which one of three muskeeters are u?.. :) ...u r right abt striking the balance...i shud just kick the next offending bastard on the shin and make him fall, then kick his face in...


@another blogger : what are u on , a diet?..that image can only make u lose ur appetite...

--xh-- said...

know what - I have done the exact same thing - not with one, but with - hold your breath - THREE girls. And two of them where VERY beautiful - one was the eye ball of whole college. And I am not gay :P

Yeah, we are stupid. :P

tys said...

@xh : what! you actually told them u see them as ur sisters?!! did u? ... so much for my theory...u were by no chance already going arnd and cared abt your family jewels? ... i really want to know..

R-A-J said...

'Nice.ROFL.Now visit mine and say the same thing.'

Btw, awesum stuff;)

Seriously. Now visit mine and say the same thing.

R-A-J said...

Tys, u such a sweetheart..u actually did visit my blog and said (ok, almost) the same thing :)

Thnx fr droppin to my blog Tys..


--xh-- said...

Ah no, I was not going around that time - was free as a lark. If you really want to know the reason,well, it was - I was not interested. Ah, now you really got that out.

before the imagination run wild, this was during my BSc days and i was more interested in bikes, Vollyball and lot other stuff - was not interested in 'wasting' my time over some girls. No ROI, you see ;)

tys said...

@xh : no ROI , eh?.. i totally understand...noone shud between a man, his bike and the road..

diyadear said...

u seem to know women well ;)
"i.will.kill.him" was indeed hilarious!!

Cocktail Party said...

@tys it's not three it's four muskeeters...which one do you think i could be?

tys said...

@diyadear : i doubt it....if i knew women, i will still not know what to do with that knowledge..

@cocktail : hmmmm, nice trick...iam not falling for that...its a schizopherniac site...with 4 multiple personalities...but its great reading...nice idea...very self contained...liked it..

Cocktail Party said...

Did you mean Schizophrenia??? But dude that is a mental condition of anxiety and depression and trust me, we we are not that..we are just 4 lovely girls full of zest and regard for life. May be you meant to call us MPD..( see.. I can read your mind):)...Wo!!! No way we don't fit that bill too....Thanks! for appreciating our your cut - throat attitude too...

tys said...

@cocktail : :) i am really freaked...u do read mind...and yes, iam rather stupid...but really, i liked ur blog concept..

Sonia said...

Awesome! I do return to your blog often, smiles are guaranteed hehe...And yes, maybe there is some truth to your post - I do walk away thinking "Thank God my husband behaves a tad better than him" ;))

tys said...

@sonia : glad to be in the lower end of the husband behavioural barometer :) ... one of these days my wife will be given one of those life time achievement awards...i bet she will ask if this should be labelled as an achievement

Jules said...

I'd have emailed you long ago but I didn't know your address. I still don't. Makes me wonder what I'm missing out on, your wife's really cool. ;p

You used that line on me re: pms, actually it was your comment on one of my blog posts. I just laughed it off. I think people like a person who just speaks their mind. As long as they can do it in a humorous way and not be overly insulting.

What? I said "overly".

As far as that song goes, every woman wants to feel like their man loves them literally to death. That song isn't a love song though. It's a devastating horror story.. Man loves a woman so damn much he'd do anything for her, but she is with a different guy. Very sad. And haunting how akin to my life that story is and keeps replaying like a broken fucking record. Jesus.

What was your post about again? I've gone on a rant now and lost my train of thought........

Anonymous said...


When I was first told by the Mrs that some guy was hitting on her, I didn't know how to react to that.

So the only thing I said to her was, He's got good taste. She didn't believe what I said, so she goes WTF do you mean? so I said, well he is only trying, but I get to...., :) smilling, and BAAM, I get the elbow in my ribs. Women are nasty, when they want to be. :)
Even to this day I don't understand women.

And that bastard song is corny.