Monday, July 11, 2011

Surviving Life's Sucker Punches

I am into survival these days.

It’s my latest addiction.

Don’t even ask me why. I have no logical reasons for the things that I do. It may have something to do with the movie 2012. But thats rubbish. If the world as we know is coming to an end, I would rather sit on the balcony with a drink in my hand, waiting for it.


This latest madness is unexplainable. But if and when I am stuck in the middle of a desert or a jungle or a deserted island, I will be ready.

You see I am prepared.

I have always had this thing for camping and trekking. Both the activities suit my misanthropic nature and my inherent yearning to be independent of the trappings of a society. Of course I will still need the tents, the can foods, the bottled water and the car to get to where I plan to do this getting away.

That’s what I love about being a misanthrope. You need the presence of a society to get away from it. Like the child who has that parent to hate.

Right now, my Ben (my truck who think it’s a car), is stocked with two 3 people tents, a foldable mattress, 2 sleeping bags, 2 lean to shelters, a foldable spade, an axe, 4 survival knives in various parts of the car (yep, I am also taking into consideration a Zombie invasion), a medical kit, a survival kit which consists of thermal blanket, fire starter, hooks and nylon thread for fishing, a compass and a whistle. I also have a SAS Survival handbook, nylon twine for making snares and traps, bungee cords, Velcro straps, 1 torch with batteries, 1 torch that can be powered by Ben, garbage bags, 2 tarpaulin sheets, rope and 2 fleece blankets.

Over the past 2 years, I have been studying up hunting, making bow and arrows, how to put up snares and traps. I have all the theoretical knowledge on where to find water in a desert, how to make a water sill and make potable water from shrubs and sea water. I can make fire with Coke cans and with water in a condom (when you are surviving, unprotected sex is fine).

I can make a dug out shelter, even a lean to if it comes to that. I know better than to ration water if I am stuck in a desert. I know that sooner or later I will need to get myself used to eating insects, but I am willing to postpone that for some time.

Now all I need to do is to get lost.

Thing is I am not a paranoid person. It’s just that I like being prepared.

This is the reason why I always base my lie on a truth.


Now my fear is that I will die of a heart attack or fall off a ladder before I get to try my skills out there in the wilderness.

This is because, like it’s said in that book Black Swan, you can never be prepared because life changing occurrences has the habit of coming at you from a direction you are not expecting it to.

Now that could be true. But me? I am brilliant.

You see, me finding myself in the wilderness with a condom and a flint stone is the unexpected direction. Since I am prepared for it, I think I will now die in my sleep.

This could be my middle finger to destiny.

It’s like learning karate. Until then you are getting your arse whopped by every senior in school and the day you enroll and finish your martial art classes, you find that there's absolutely no fights anymore in your life. It’s like finally finishing and understanding Stephen Hawkins’s book only to find out that the bible was correct; god did bury those dinosaur bones just to test our faith.

It’s what I would like to call, Life's Sucker Punch.

This is what makes a non smoking, teetotaler, jog-5km-a day bloke, keel over and die of a heart attack when he is shaving.

You don't see it coming.

So this is my lesson to you my friends, prepare for your worst case scenario. Chances are that you will never face it. And if at all by chance, fate decides to call your bluff, you will still be prepared.

Told you.

It’s one hell of a middle finger.


SUB said...

lol...great post... hilarious

preparing for the worst is good...but fearing about the future calamities? i would prefer to enjoy the moment called 'now'...

Anonymous said...

Very sensible and hilarious!!

Poornima said...

I need to take drugs to understand you Tys. And I thought my dire warnings would suffice. Sigh.

tys said...

@sub : damn...u brought up that word 'now' u will be forced to listen to my spiel on how now is always a perception rooted in the past...u can never be in now...the moment u become aware of now, its past..its an oft repeated statement but rather undoable...i guess the nearest one can be is just be.

@gautam : thanks...u r the first person who said something i wrote is the comment below urs if u dont believe me.

@poori : 6 pegs of JD will do girl...after that u will be completing my sentences...u know i never heed ur warnings...wait for tmw whn i really get into trouble on the other site..

Travel Bug said...

Gosh I am all into survival camping and survival too. Love the show "survivorman" and "Dual Survivor".
I can start a fire with socks lint, cook a meal over an open fire,identify berries, herbs,to eat, know the direction to go if I am lost. I just came back from survival camping in a remote wilderness in West virginia, with outhouses and in the middle of black bear and mountain lion and rattlesnake territory, yea I like subjecting myself to danger like that. I am a strange woman like that. I still feel safer in the wildernes surrounded by wildlife than I do in the city surrounded by animals called people!

tys said...

@travelbug : i never knew that u were a woman....not that it really matters...but goes to show how sexist i am , i guess...

truth is , i have never felt safe around people...u can predict to a large extent an animal..u know how u can avoid being its meal, u can trap it, u can avoid follows a pattern...well to a large extent...but atleast u know what u are dealing with...but people are strange...if faced with survival, i wud rather deal with wilderness rather than urban...i dont have to deal with a tiger trying to rape me...somehow thats comforting...

i can deal with being seems fair..

Travel Bug said...

tys..i dont know but most people think I am a guy, because I like to travel? am an engineer? dunno..funny cos in real life i am a girly girl in the city, but put me in the woods and I can survive with the best of em.LOL..on atleast a tiger wont rape me.true that..sadly there aren;t many of them left to be a risk to people.
Besides I'd rather be food to a wild animal than be killed in human violence. I always say animals are good people. People are bad animals!!

Sankoobaba said...

be prepared club
i still remember the motto of boy scouts back in school
i.e. be prepared

and your preparations are superb..

and i agree about your point though..

that the one who is never prepared for losing out in wild is the one who gets stuck there...
the one who never planned to do in case of plane or train the one who faces such a situation...

well i guess i need to be more prepared..just a swiss army knife will not be enough for me..

Cocktail Party said...

@tys i thought i was the only "misanthropist" alive...ha happens to me quite often when i feel like walking into the wilderness just by myself, though i wish that i would not feel hungry and would have infinite energy to walk as long as i want...

Yes it's good be prepared but worrying about it would be too much of a life you never the song goes "yeh sali zindagi, hum kuch sochte he, ye kuch sochti he...yeh sali zindagi"...

like poornima says you don't make sense half of the time.sigh

Shaz said...

thanks for dropping by.

While reading your post.. I remembered that i like to be ready for any accident..natural disaster.. I have nightmares.. that I am trapped under huge debris or that I am crushed by something ...

The Grunt said...

Very good post, Tys. The part about God hiding the dino bones really had me laughing. Only, the way I was told, it was Satan that put them there to trick us into believing in science.

Preparing for a worst case scenario is the best defense, whether it is ever going to happen or not. BTW, I did once start a fire using a bow and stick into a wood block. All that scout training might prove handy one day or not. Until then, my helping old ladies cross the road training keeps me sharp.

Jules said...

So temp fate by removing just one critical item from Ben and then see if it so happens that you end up in the woods when (or should I say because) you aren't totally prepared.

Sairam said...

Of the posts I have read, this is the best.
The opening line, "I am into survival these days." is brilliant. And then you take off.

Magnifiient piece!
I see some influence of George Calin.
But in a good way.

aneeta said...

Great stuff...totally enjoyed reading it!

Aneeta said...

Great stuff...totally enjoyed it!

Anonymous said...


That's alot of gear for few nights dude, and I bet, most things you will never use. Some of these stuff is as useful as one inch cock to lady gaga.

Oh man and I thought I have heard everything until you said; god burried these dinosaur bones. Dear god what next?