Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The glory of me.



I don't like changes.

You move my cheese and you will have a rabid , balding, 5 foot 5 inches of pure fury coming at you with a bat. Its not a pretty sight.

There are those wise among you who will give me the spiel about the only constant thing in the world is change. It may be true. But that doesn't mean I will have to like it.

I don't like changes.

But it happens all around me nevertheless and I am forced to deal with it. It sucks.

Take for example this new format the blogger. com has bestowed upon me. I hate it. I might get used to it like a bad marriage and that will take effort.

I don't like to make effort.

I come from the school of thought that believes that the world owes me. For existing.

Go on. Call me megalomaniac. I don't care. I have been called worse.

I believe that things should happen to me without any effort from my side. This includes friendship, love, foreplay. Not necessarily in that order. I am not fussy. But given a choice, I would prefer foreplay first.

Wife says I am not romantic. I am not. I think romance is for fools. I would kill for her and if situation arises might even die for her ( since I don't do rhetoric, I cannot vouch for this) but I don't do romance. The maximum she can expect is an embarrassed apologetic mumbling of the words I love you, when I feel she could leave me.

Make no mistake. Love is a selfish, self centered emotion that serves mostly you. And that's the beauty of it. I don't know why people find it difficult to admit that they are selfish. In my 42 years of existence, I haven't seen a single act that didn't reek of selfishness. Nothing.

I am not a cynic. I don't live in a self exiled bubble of a world of bitterness and expectations. In fact I think I am a pretty content , happy guy. I look at myself in the mirror and see the insignificant magnificence of me and I am truly glad to be alive.

Its good to be me.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

In these last few months, I have one too many deaths.

Though not directly affected, its painful to see parents mourning their child's death. It makes you question everything. I have sat and watched ,bravely , a wake that was held for a young man who has done more in his short life than most have done by living a life to a ripe old age. The beauty of it was the number of friends he had.

So many friends. Youngsters. Lots of them. They spoke of him, showed pictures of him, showed clips of him. Shared him. With us. The mute spectators of a tragedy that has been happening since life began.

A wise young boy , who took off in pursuit of happiness and died alone in the Alaskan wilderness had stated that happiness needs to be shared. I loved that boy. I wish I could have held him and make him see himself in me. I wish I could have told him he did share it.

Later on I went to pay my condolence to his parents. His mother had taken tuition for me when I was in school. Her eldest son was a toddler then. She used to give me tests which I completed. She knew I had no need for the tuition and that the whole charade was for the benefit of my mother who felt that she needed to see me make an effort of studying. After the test, we used to spend the reminder of the time in the park with her child. I think I might have had a crush on her.

I fall in love all the time.

I went up to his father and hugged him. He looked at me stricken, uncomprehending. He turned his attention to the screen which was showing his son singing a song, rather badly on web cam which would have been funny in another life.

I don't do grief. I cant. I can cry in movies but I cant do grief in real life.

I went to his mother. She sat on the front row of the audience, watching her son , by now belting out and totally torturing the song with no self consciousness. I went up behind her and patted her shoulder. She looked up at me. I asked her, rather stupidly, how she was doing. She smiled , her eyes welled up, shrugged her shoulder and pointed at the screen.

I hugged her.

That could be my mother. That could be any mother.

Later that month another son died.A family friend. Killed in forest by a leopard. Only in India. His life too was celebrated on the youtube and facebook.

Then another. A cousin. Went to sleep and never woke up.

But I don't do grief. I cant. Cant pretend to feel something that is not in the realm of my experience. What I did feel was fear. For my children. I wanted to hold them a little longer.

Told you. All acts and thoughts are selfish.

I don't like changes.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

@ TYS
Nice read as always.

Love is a selfish, self centered emotion that serves mostly you.

Brilliant Statement and true.

Aren't all emotions and most act self centered in human being, because I think they are. I also think that we are selfish species.

I own this, I want this, this is mine, that is mine, I should have this. It's all about me myself and I. If you look at all these, then they all reek of selfishness.

why should one feel guilty for having these feelings , when it's part of our DNA. That's same as saying, one should feel guilty for breathing fresh air.

My question to you is this, how is love and relationship any different from any other items we own?

I have been married for over 22 years, since last week, and I have never uttered a sentance involving I love you to my Mrs., but deep down she knows I do, so what's the point of displaying fake emotions.

See, we are not that different inside.

Since death of my mother in January, I have positive view of life now. That it should be enjoyed and cherished.

Have a good one TYS.

HARRY

Sanket Kambli said...

change..i love it for some time.. and later I hate it ..and get back to old..
not always but many times..and
yes.love is selfish..so is any human relationship/bond..
indeed its there where there is need..but
death of a loved one or for that matter death is scary..
its also something I have never understood..
I know its not something to be studied, but people react with grief..I usually react with a straight face and confusion..

Jules said...

Wow, Tys. I'm terribly sorry to hear that so much sadness has come within the boundaries of your existence.

If not feeling grief means that you want to hold your children longer, then I see ho real problem with that. It doesn't mean you are emotionless, you just express it differently.

Change happens regardless of whether we can accept it or not. There's plenty of change in the world that I dislike too... but to combat it, I try and instill a sense of how to treasure the past in those I have around me.

tys said...

@harry : i believe you are right...all relationships has its base in possession...there is a sense of ownership...i dont think we shud judge it considering it is what it is...we can however accept it and stop giving it an aura it does not require.

@sanket : i guess we all deal with things differently...personally i find expression of subtle emotions beyond me...i do rage very well.

@jules: 'treasure the past in those who i have around me' :) that was really insightful...thanks jules

Anonymous said...

Hey!
Plz continue to write. Out of a whole lot of feeds I look forward to reading u :)
G