I recall long ago spending a vacation in my boarding school. My brother and I had the whole school to ourselves. The normally strict priests who ran the schools became very attentive. There were other boys too. Not too many. Maybe about six. I am not sure. Maybe I imagined them. I don't know.
This was the time when the Grammy awards hit India for the first time. Madonna, Micheal Jackson, David Bowie, Lionel Richie , Wham and a few others became household names to many of us. We had a walk man and the Grammy tape. My younger brother and I used to sit on the slope of the eucalyptus forest and listen to music sharing the headphones.
Not sure why I remembered that.
Looking back, it may appear to many that we lead some sort of empty lonely existence. But in my head , I recall that my childhood was filled with cousins , laughter , books and games. Almost all vacations were spend at some relatives house. We were taken in and treated with perhaps more affection than was given to their own children. It was a great childhood.
It also makes you an expert in fitting in. Makes you occupy a very small place , have very few demands.
You become good at goodbyes. You do not take anything for granted. You learn to deal with things. You learn how it is to miss someone so much that, back in the school, you bury your head into the pillow and cry silently. You learn to let go. You learn to move on. You learn very early that you are always alone. Even when others have the best intentions , you are somehow never capable of becoming emotionally close to another.
Perhaps it must be the vulnerability. I have pondered over that. Why I have the emotional IQ of a snail.
I feel I have a great emotional IQ . Whatever that means. Its just that I feel emotions are an indulgence. It has no permanence. Like clouds in the sky. It can be swept away by the wind or evaporated by the suns heat. Emotions when observed, ceases to have its pull. It loses its intensity. You cannot observe anger and be angry.
I guess there is also a trait which makes me very transient. I find myself comfortable in my solitude. Even in a group I seek to be alone. Not in a lonely way. I find myself very fortunate and grateful to be loved. I sometimes feel as if I do not really deserve it. I hardly invest myself into any relationship. Not due to some emotional deficiency . I have been accused of that. But its not that I do not care or I do not love. It is not coming from a selfish place. I know this. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by people who have chose to be with me. For them I have only me to offer.
I care. I really care.
There was a time when I was scared for myself. I felt that if I didnt anchor myself. Tether myself to someone, I will float away. I did what I could to tie myself down. Looking back , it seems so manipulative. My motives negated the other. Thankfully it fell apart on its own. I had lost interest in my fear.
Its strange that when I look back, how if it was not for the other's efforts, I would have just been. Like some flotsam, I appear to have just been. I must be really dull. But I am sure it was not so. I did stand up. I did shine. I did love. I lived.
Not that it matters.
Maybe all this is just reassurance to myself. Maybe , as always, I am becoming the bullshit that I am weaving. Maybe , like some suggests, I could be wired differently, which is a polite way of saying that I could be mad.
i just want to keep it real this time.
I am very grateful. Its been a great life. Thank you.
I am going to have a sound track for my postings ; what can i say? I love drama..