Thursday, November 3, 2011

The sound of a man

I snore.

So they say.

I have never heard it. Never been woken up by it. Never lost my sleep because of it. Never wanted to smother a pillow on my own face while screaming 'Stop snoring you bastard'. That part is also kind of impossible to do.

But they say I do and so it must be true. I am a very trusting guy. I never doubt what others say about me. Most of the time what I hear from them about me is a revelation even to me. It’s always nice to know what others think about you. Giving a fuck about it is another story.

Back to snoring.

It was first brought to my notice by my wife.

She had one day woken up to the sound of a Harley Davidson in her bedroom and discovered that the sound was emanating from a large piece of human lard, her husband, who had also stolen the blanket.

Jesus said that faith can move mountains. But then he hasn't woken up next to me.

10 years later major sleep deprivation have made an energetic lovely woman into a bundle of nerves.

Scientists have recently done a study ( on the same line as the research to find if the penguins actually look up to watch a plane flying over them until they fall over. They don't. They actually cross their three toes, since it’s considered unlucky by them to watch anything that stiff fly) on women and men who are sleep deprived.

The studies have shown that women can be dangerous when sleep deprived.Even murderous. Sleep is a necessary part of their make up. Men on the other hand do not seem to suffer as much. Aren't we the lucky ones!

I believe this research.

A woman who is not rested is an evil thing. They are down right scary. Ask any man who had to deal with a woman, who had been kept up all night by a colic baby, the next day. Deal with that and man, facing a firing squad will seem pleasant.

Go on, tell her what a beautiful day today is and ask what’s for breakfast.

Then watch your arse explode beneath you.

Sleep deprivation is a bitch.

Ask any woman. Now they got science to back them up.

Another step down for men. So along with chest hair, lord of all he surveys status, non existent emotional IQ and other sundry things that gives having a penis such a pleasure, we lose the I am more tired than you battle.

Well we still have the stand up to pee bit.

Hooray.

Back to snoring.

Last time my friends and I went camping, I woke up to find a lynching crowd gathered around my tent the next morning. I had a wonderful sleep. Mountain air is so refreshing. I had apparently also cleared the place of all wild animals in the vicinity, who had gathered around the Al Ain zoo wanting to be let in.

My friends exaggerate.

I have always had great flights. Never have I had to face a rude hostess. Never have I not been helped to stove away my baggage into the overhead cabin (which is every time), never have I been insulted, cuffed or had hot scalding liquid poured on my lap.

That’s unless I sleep.

There’s always a chill in the air when I wake up on a flight. Nobody is actually rude. But there’s definitely a change in the attitude. I get these looks from my co passengers like I was responsible for something bad. The same looks you get from the guy who steps in when you exit an elevator you had farted in. It’s that look which that girl gave while she slipped off Stallone's grip in Cliff Hanger.

Oh, come on. You know that look. It’s the one that says: How could you do this to me?

Actually the look I get on the plane is the same as the one the guy who I met in the lift would give if he saw me again another day. In the same lift.

It’s the post betrayal look.

It’s cold. It’s accusatory. It’s judgmental.

And I would be wondering if there was an alien takeover while I slept.

Now I know.

It’s the snoring. It must be. Aliens’ taking over people’s body while I slept is so far fetched. It has to be my snoring.

Thing about snoring is that it’s a lot like demonic possession. You have no idea that you are doing it. You cannot be held responsible for something you are not aware of. Our justice system supports that. That’s why you can kill thousands and say God made me do it where the judge will go like, oh why didn’t you say so? Now off you go.

Technically I cannot be held responsible.

But try saying that to that woman who looks like that girl from Grudge, who is sitting at the foot of your bed staring at you when you opened your eyes.

Scared?

You should be.

12 comments:

Niall young said...

We really do have it hard don't we...?I feel your pain!

pallavi said...

I was ROFL ing at work. Good reasoning given for the its not in our hands act. Now this will give some courage to the snorers(hehehe) to argue with others atleast!!

Catalog Printing said...

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Jules said...

Note to self: Do NOT ask to stay at Tys house should I ever make it to visit India. Sleep deprived Jules makes the girl from The Grudge seem tame.

tys said...

@niall : really hard man..no pregnancy, no pms...nothing to pin our moods on...nothing to pin the blame on...we r so alone in this world...a species with no excuses..

@pallavi : to a snorer, his snores are a concept...to the snoree it is a reality...

@catalog: ahhh...google translation....i consious you too pal...

@jules : dont worry, iam mostly on the couch anyway...so the bedrooms are safe, noiseless havens...

Subhorup Dasgupta said...

Great writing. It is always heartening to find people putting out good creative work on blogs. Makes you feel less alienated in a sea of poor grammar and tech forums. A blogger widget that showcases your popular posts on the sidebar would be great, though!

pramod said...

what a wondrous way of saying things.
This reminded me of Mark twain, having this snoring syndrome. his wife and kids slept in a different room. Once he was on a ship destined for london with his four friends. They slept in the same room. in the morning at breakfast table, Mark twain , ventured, for the first time, to and threw out a feeler,to his friends :
for all these days' silence made me a little uneasy and suspicious. I intimated that at home, I sometimes snored--not often, and not much, but a little--but it might be possible that at sea, I--though I hoped--that is to say--But I was most pleasantly interrupted at that point by a universal outburst of compliment and praise, with assurances that I made the nights enjoyable for everybody, and that they often lay awake hours to listen, and Mr. Rogers said it infused him with so much comfortableness that he tried to keep himself awake by turning over and over in bed so as to get more of it; Rice said it was not a coarse and ignorant snore, like some people's, but was a perfectly gentlemanly snore; Colonel Payne said he was always sorry when night was over and he knew he had to wait all day before he could have some more; and Tom Reed said the reason he moved down into the coal bunkers was because it was even sweeter, there, where he could get a perspective on it. This is very different from the way I am treated at home, where there is no appreciation of what a person does.

Manasi said...

"She had one day woken up to the sound of a Harley Davidson in her bedroom and discovered that the sound was emanating from a large piece of human lard, her husband, who had also stolen the blanket."

"She had one day woken up to the sound of a Harley Davidson in her bedroom and discovered that the sound was emanating from a large piece of human lard, her husband, who had also stolen the blanket."

... pulls my heart strings :-) snoring husbands are alike everywhere around the globe... be it Mad's or Mine :-(( Lucky for me i sleep like a dead log and not even an elephant stampede or a herd of roaring lions can wake me up. on a camping trip few years back, after the night in the tents, hubby's friends actually bowed at my feet the next morning for putting up with hubby's gargantuan snores day in and day out. now as pregnancy has disturbed my sleeping patterns, i will take your cues and try to watchout before i steam roll hubby after my sleep deprived night :-)

gyaan in a haystack :-)

Cocktail Party said...

@tys the post was funny...
But on a serious note people with a heart problem or respiratory problem tend to snore, so I guess you should visit the doc, ur wife will be double happier :)

Sankoobaba said...

"It’s always nice to know what others think about you. Giving a fuck about it is another story."

high five to it!!the punchline!

--------
even I didnt know I snored! my friends told I did on an over night trek once..yeah in the wild..but I snored not only at night but also in the daytime..(but then I was exhausted due to the trek)..



-----

"Thing about snoring is that it’s a lot like demonic possession. You have no idea that you are doing it. You cannot be held responsible for something you are not aware of."

I will by heart it... for future reference.. he he he!!!

... I know it may lead to "grudgy" results..but still will keep it in mind...

tys said...

@subhorup:whats a blogger widget? is it a subtle way of calling me a midget? if so why wud i want to let everyone know that iam a midget who is blogging? questions...questions...

@pramod : mark twain is my snoring brother?...what u saying!!! Thats it, my snore has been recognized and its a celebrity...pity i have never heard it myself


@manasi : as a family , our men are all great snorers..except perhaps my younger brother, who iam sure is adpoted...my sis in law cant sleep unless reassured by my snoring brother...if he stops , she actually prods him to start...i feel shes checking to see if hes still alive..u r pregnant?..great...have a gud one.

@cocktail : i hear u...but i wud like to believe that my snoring is caused by my broken nose..when i know that its becoz iam fat and drunk when iam asleep...but the best part is that after being with me, my wife can sleep thru a rock party

@sankoobaba: future reference? hmmm...u been hiding things...planning on getting hitched? ... if that is so, snoring aint your biggest worry pal.. :)

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