Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bullshits. Chapter1

Nowadays I feel like that guy who cut the branch that he sat upon.

Never have I felt so alone. Never have I felt so free.

I was talking to my mother yesterday. A friend of mine from college days had died of drug abuse couple of days back. He was in some former life a football captian but later he stayed on years after years in the same college completeing a course that had no end. He died in the university town. What upset my mother was when she heard that his parents did not want his body returned home. The college buried him in the university town graveyard.

Mother could not understand. Death is supposed to be a leveler. What happened here? Are disappointments so unforgiveable? Who is the victim here? I dont know.

Iam finding that its becoming difficult for me to take any sides. I seem to have lost the sense of discrimination.This is making me a bore to have a conversation with, because I do not seem to 'get it'. Most of it.

Question.

Do you feel that emotions are indicators? I mean , do you sometimes observe the areas in your body where emotions act out of? Fear in your belly, anguish in your throat, emotional pain( sometimes felt as intense love) in your heart? Dont you think sometimes the heaviness or lightness or constriction is there in these areas but the actual emotion associated with it is uncertain?

I find myself paying attention to the body. I feel it guiding in some ways. I have felt that all emotions are self directed. Its focus or rather the catalyst is external but the associated reaction/emotion is the filtered reality. Your true nature can be experienced by observing your emotions. Dispassionately. It is filtered, so I guess knowing that the filter will effect your observation is helpful.

Emotions in that sense is an indulgence. It is you asserting.

Then there are those emotions that are self generated. Seemingly without any outside catalyst. The feeling of anxiety, the sudden heavy feeling or the unexplained feeling of joy. But when looked closely, it too has an external source.I think emotion is the true language of the body.And like all language it can be misinterpreted unless we have that level of honesty to see ourself as we are.

Why is all this important?

No reason.I dont even think this is important. It helps pass time.

If you pause to look, you too, perhaps, will see how utterly alone we are. Its kind of beautiful how contained we are , within ourself. We hear what we want to hear, see what we want to see, be who we want to be, be not who we want to be. Every interaction, experience is your own unique thing, because there will be none like you ever again.

Does that make you feel better?

I didnt think so.

Yesterday I was talking to my mother. One thing lead to another and we were talking of orphans. Mother was telling be that she feels she should spend more quality time with the children she has been sponsoring.The last time she went to that school, her kids were standing at the gate waiting for her.

She was telling me that she is grateful that she is in a position to help.

Grateful to whom? I asked.

To all the paths that led me to now. She said.

Its a safe answer. I know. But its a beautiful real answer.

I can't comprehend the life of a child who upon grazing her knee in the playground has no one to blow on that wound.

But I do know that we all will become orphans one day.

Sometimes I find myself thanking the beggar I give money to. Its a reflex. Iam embaressed by the whole thing. Iam annoyed because the out stretched hand shows a lack that Iam in a position to fulfill. Who is the beggar? He who does not have it or the one who gives it because he has it? Where is the so called beauty in charity? There is none. It is an ugly reality. Giving is not a noble act or a virtous act. It is an act of guilt. Of shame. Its our way of redemption.There is no beauty in redemption , only a sense of justice. The very act of giving makes the other a beggar.

Rather provide. Act on a want before it is presented to you. Do it in silence and be done with it. Its a privilage. Bestow dignity. Poverty sucks and it will be a lot kinder if they are not reminded of it.

It is becoming hard to take myself seriously.

Iam so full of shit.

13 comments:

Jon said...

even if full of shit...it had pearls of wisdom littered in it

Travel Bug said...

That is such a load of crap :)
Holy Shit what are you smoking Holy one?
:)
Sad about your friend. Death is a great leveler.
If one truly gives nobody knows about it. That is true giving.I just gave you wisdom and you didn't even know it..there.

sm said...

realistic touchy post

tys said...

@jon : hidden deep in the crap is more crap...

@travel bug : :) i wish...if i was smoking the magic tube, you wudnt believe the pile of crap i can put out there...actually when u give there are people who knows abt it...u and the person who u give it to...trick wud be to limit that to just u...and then all u have to do is kick urself down..lest u think u were helping...

@sm : :)... if u think so, then it must be..i need to read that again now

Raghu said...

Dispassionately - thats the key!

Emotions... be darned careful about them buddy! They can bring out the best or an absolute brute if not under control.

I was once given a simple tip - When you feel like 'giving' - give and forget - in *that* moment! Do not think beyond it. You have to believe me that this seemingly simple tip changed so much in my life since then...

Aren't we full of questions? So much so that sometimes I wonder that a man is not atoms, not emotions, not life... but a bunch of questions? :)

Sonia said...

Tys, I havent read your posts, am swamped...but I wanted to tell you this - he replied back to my FB msgs!!! He said he was happy to be in touch with me and that it was painful for him to be detached and he wants to continue writing to each other etc!! I am still in disbelief :) I hope your cousin gets closure with her dad too!

The Grunt said...

I've had enough of emotion.

tys said...

@raghu : been reading a post by this sage called Om :

Sunday, February 13, 2011

"In your dealings with people, can you detect subtle feelings of either superiority or inferiority towards them ? You are looking at the ego, which lives through comparison.

The ego's identity depends on comparison and feeds on more"

Now thats what I call a clue...

@Sonia : thanks for letting me know..there was no other way this wud have gone for you...iam just glad that its what u wanted.

@grunt : tired, eh? yep...thats what i dont get abt emotions, its so damn tiring....dealing with it and handling it...u have had a lot in the last few months..

Manasi said...

" I find myself paying attention to the body. I feel it guiding in some ways. I have felt that all emotions are self directed. Its focus or rather the catalyst is external but the associated reaction/emotion is the filtered reality. Your true nature can be experienced by observing your emotions. Dispassionately. It is filtered, so I guess knowing that the filter will effect your observation is helpful. "

Is this happening to a lot of people on earth at this time? I am thinking it was me thinking about it silently just last Friday... Am flumfoxed!!!


-Manasi

Sonia said...

Hai ram! What a super deep post :))Need to read it over and over, Oh wise soul to understand what you are saying hehee

tys said...

@manasi :ever read this book called celestine prophecy? It says that the conciences of people gets elevated (evolve) during a certain period...instant revelations..the clues that this is happening is the common occurances of syncrynocities...u will start finding answers to ur question in the book that u randomly opened or happening to over hear a very pertinant solution to something that is upper most in ur minds...etc...so who knows, maybe everyone around is mushing abt the same things...so much for unique thought!

@sonia : yeah yeah, i got the tongue in cheek sarcasm there.. :)

Sankoobaba said...

halfway through this post i quit..it became too heavy..
by heavy I remembered the heavy hunger in my stomach got to get something to eat..

Anonymous said...

@ TYS

I liked it, ( post ) It's very deep. We will be orphan's one day, this is 100% true. The best way to rid of guilt of giving is not to think about it at all, after giving.

There are days I don't even like my self, and it reminds me of some one, but less cynical. Happy days TYS

HARRY