Thursday, October 1, 2009

Kill Joy.

Do you know how impossible it is to kill yourself if you are in the UAE? Well, just take my word for it.

Now India is a different story all together. If you are planning on snuffing out yourself, India is the place to be. Almost all the drug stores will sell you any number of sleeping pills you want and they might even throw in a paracetamol for free. Personaly I think killing yourself using sleeping pills is way too gay.If you are planning on extinguishing probably your only chance of existence, then I say you need to get creative.

Ever tried hanging ? Its impossible in this country. There are just no fans in any of the flats here and its silly to even try hanging from the airconditioner. I dont think it will even hold. Where do you tie the knot? How will you kick off the chair? Where will you place the chair? Should you keep the AC on while you do the deed?The whole thing is way too complicated.

Shooting yourself seems like a great idea. There is something very manly about sitting behind a large walnut desk, with a shot of JD in a crystal glass .Its late evening, the whole room is dimly lite by your desk lamp and you have this loaded gun on the desk in front of you. Very decisively you gulp down the JD, pick up the gun , put the nuzzle under your chin and pull the trigger.

Now if that paragraph doesnt make all of you jump into the car and head for the local gun shop, I dont know what will.

Thing is, this is the SandCity. I dont even know where one goes to get a gun here. I probably will have to steal it from a police guy who will probably put me out of my misery for all the trouble. Hmmm, now thats a thought.

Long ago a friend of mine had tried to kill himself by slitting his vien and lying in a bath tub. The only problem was that he didnt have a bathtub. He realized that after he had slit his vien. So in order to salvage an already bad situation, he opened the tap in the wash basin and held his wrists under the warm flowing water. We found him thus, the determined would be suicider trying his best not to faint from the loss of blood standing with his two wrists under the tap.

We havent let him forget it 15 years later. The cause of his turmoil was of course a girl who probably would have just died laughing if she heard of this.

Now if you are the sort who is not afraid of heights, then jumping off a building is the best way to end your miserable life in this country. Infact apart from driving to work, jumping off a building is the prefered mode of untimely demise in this country. This country is filled with skyscrapers. If you need a long descent where by you have all the time to have your life flashing by in your head before you become a splat on the side walk , you only need to go to Sheik Zayed Road. The choices are fantastic. You can select from 'you hit the bottom before you can complete Geronimo' to the long haul ' fall asleep by the time you hit the street' ones

Now all you need to do is find a balcony.

This is the problem. Its like going to the red light district near Dam square in Amsterdam. The mouth watering wares , in this instance the long way down, can be viewed from behind a glass barricade and thats about it. There are no balconies here. The only balconies you can use belongs to residence apartments and I dont think they take very kindly to strangers who ring their door bells asking them permission to the use of their balconies.

Forget trying to crash your car. With the kind of traffic jams here, you will be lucky if you get a whip lash injury. If you are lucky, you have more chances being run over by a teenage arab kid driving his father's 4WD while trying to cross the road.

Infact the only way you can hope to kill yourself in this country is to cross the road. Do it at the zebra crossing. Cars here speed up when they see someone using a zebra crossing.

If you sit back and then look at the situation , you will realize that killing yourself is a stupid idea. Truth be told , it is highly unlikely you will survive your death. You didnt even exist prior to your birth. So to kill yourself with the hope that it will mean an end to all your problem , means that you will not be there to face any problem. You got to really hate living to want to kill yourself.

Left alone people dont kill themselves. They seem to do so only when they come in close contact with others.Like I always said, you dont kill yourself, others do. In my case I dont really value my existence , I think its the curiosity that keeps me alive. Wondering what the next day will bring.

Thats when it struck me; in order to die, all you have to do is keep living. It is bound to get you in the end.


Shruti said...

:) :) :) :) :) :)
u'r back :)
u changed ur blog name... but u'r back. Thank u so much!

Shruti said...

Do sleeping pills always work? What if the person just wakes up thirsty and stinky after 3 days? And yea this method is actually too sissy!

The problem with jumping off a very tall building is that, midway thorugh the descent, one might just remember that something very important had to be done, is shocked that it has been forgotten, realises that it will now never be done and before realizing that it doesn't matter anymore, everyone else hears a thud and the soul will be unhappy.
Btw, I have always wondered, when ppl fall off from heights, do they bounce?

:) aah.. nice ending :)

Mohammed Musthafa said...

hey, great to see ur back...
but sriously...why did u delete the old posts...? if possible...cud u keep them on the blog?

Poornima said...

You're such a Drama King, dude! So glad to see you here again!


Advaita said...

found link to ur blog online.... i liked reading it... had fun reading it. :-) :-)

do visit my blog too..

Nags said...

so you're back. hmmm...

u know, the same stuff holds for SG too, except that you don't even stand a chance with the zebra crossing cuz drivers are painfully kind.. and abou the buildings.. i have never been on a terrace in my 1.5 years in SG. they block it out. no entry. nada. so yeah, i am waiting it out too..

rm said...


Suma said...

truly glad to see you back :)

and like the new look too..makes it easier to read

--xh-- said...

good.. you are back.. nannayi.. njaan oru quatation team nu work order kodukkan pokuvaarunnu... :)

frissko said...

I liked your earlier tag line a lot. ('Thoughts, just the way they should be told, tactlessly' or something like that). That had a ring of honesty to it. The current one sounds like a sell out line. You aren't obligated to write something the readers like right. That they like it should be incidental no?

Not a big fan of buzz creation and drama, but am glad the blog is around...

A.J. said...

"In my case I dont really value my existence , I think its the curiosity that keeps me alive. Wondering what the next day will bring."

Very well said.

Thank you for coming back. I would have really missed you a lot, if you remained "Kaboom"

Bramha said...

Welcome back :)

Niall young said...

You're right, the best way to kill yourself is to live.

By the way did you know that a murder is only an extrovert suicide?

Janaki said...

Sometimes, something starts out funny and wacky.. but turns poignant by the end. Or wait. Maybe it's just me. :)

Manasi said...

aha... another "diabolical diatribe" from you :-)

welcome back and hope you will not learn from the mistakes any more than you actually need to :-)

Billu said...

@shruti : u r welcome. I dont think they bounce, i think they splatter.

@mohd : its already done. Sorry abt tht. I will mail it to you. I think i have it in some folder somewhere. I need to find it.

@poori : totally dont u think?

@advaita : thanks for dropping in. will defintely visit.

@nags : my heart bleeds for you. Imagine standing in the middle of the road to be run over and the person slows down, puts the hazard lites on and then offers to take you to the other side. Damn, that wud be so ironical.

@rm: u have the most fantastic smile.

@suma : is it? Iam not sure I like the template. I liked the black one but needed a change. hows dxb treating u and whn are we going to see u?

@xh : :) man, as long as u didnt give them a s shapped dagger iam okay with that.

@frissko : I know wht u mean. It does appear to so doesnt it? But honestly that wasnt the intention. I really wanted to put an end to it but later on i realized that iam doing it for all the wrong reasons. I actually enjoy doing this. Writing , getting feedbacks , reacting , everything. So i decided to stop analysing and just do wht i do.

It is a lil' sell out but what isnt?

@aj : trust me on this, the pleasure is all mine. Thanks.

@brahma : thanks pal.

@niall : :) ... murder = extrovert suicide ...nice one.

@janaki : its you. :)

@manasi : thankfully i never learn from my mistakes.

tys said...

oops...btw that was me...looks like it was logged into my bros id.

Fan of Tys said...

@friskko: you feel this was buzz creation and drama? that's because you're way too insensitive. Mind what yo say.

Fan of Tys said...

@friskko: you feel this was buzz creation and drama? that's because you're way too insensitive. Mind what yo say.

frissko said...

@tys - Just read your comment on the earlier 'kaboom' post and realized you actually meant to stop. I thought kaboom to 'Life and other such non sense' and start of 'Life and more such non sense' was a planned starting over. Apologies if you found it rude.

@Fan of tys - I am probably insessitive, am not contesting that...but this was just a case of misunderstood intentions...

Tys on Ice said...

@frissko : i got it pal...even i thought the same thing when i started writing again...iam glad u brought it up, since I cud address it and correct it..thanks

@fans of tys : wht the fuck!!! :) ... i hope u are not going to shoot down every single chappie who has something to say...i do believe in free speech and I get off on being criticized...wht can i say, iam so damn masochistic ( bring on the whips )..

but this is so fucking flattering...iam blushing and grinning like a chesire cat...down ego, down.

Fan of Tys said...

@friskko: glad you finally mentioned that it was a misunderstanding. It makes a difference, you know?

@Tys: No I wont shoot down all of them. But what he had said earlier pricked u. Free speech and all, true, but see, he had said something that he doesn't even mean right now.

WannabeWriter said...

I AM glad you are back! That last call did leave me a bit unnerved! :D

I see you tried out your post on me again! ;)

Tys on Ice said...

@wannabe : of course i did...u r my sounding also helps that u dont need much to make u helps...thnks.

veryordinarygirl said...

hahahahahaha...what about cyanide? oh the conservative chemists might not sell it to you...but using an empty syringe?

Anonymous said...

t's such a tickety-boo site. imaginary, quite stimulating!!!




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Golf swing basics said...

Why the heck will anyone want to kill himself from the balcony of a red light area.
LOL :)

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Anonymous said...


You know how to cheer the guy don't you, the photo of the red light of Amsterdam. :)