Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mallukutti Days

Why do people look at the content of their handkerchief after they have blown their nose in it?

What do they hope to find?

Oh, there you are ! I was wondering where you went.

Why do they do that?

I was in a party some time back and there was this person who sneezed into her handkerchief and then looked at it before folding it and pocketing it.

What the fuck!

What do you expect to come out of your nose? Your brains?

People are funny. You cant help but like them. Even if they are just viruses. (yep its not virii; that just sounds plain stupid)

My favorite specimen as you know are the mallus. I cant help it, they are just too adorable.

Iam in Kerala right now. Healing.

If you want to get out of a self induced depression go to Kerala.Its the most funniest place ever. There are no depressed Keralites in Kerala; they have all killed themselves. It has the highest suicide rate in the whole of India. Now there only remains happy mallus.

Come on , you cant take a place that is named after coconut tree serious!

Ever noticed a mallu on a mobile phone?

Iam sure you have.

By now you along with all the people in 3 miles radius from him will know that his father is going through a by pass and that gopalettan, his brother in law, is a drunkard and that he is much better after his piles operation.

My younger brother says that America has its CIA, the Russians their KGB, the Chinese their Kang Sheng and India has Mallus.

You want information , ask a Mallu.

They know everything.

What your father did in 1947 to your favorite sexual position.Which is funny since, if you have ever had the misfortune to watch mallu porn, you will notice that apart from the missionary position and the accompanied breast kneading, mallus dont seem to have any other positions.

I have been told once that the term Mallu is very degrading. Buddy , Nigger is degrading, Mallu is an upgrade. I mean , you would rather be called a Keralite, which in reality means a Coconut Head? I dont know pal; I think I will stick to Mallu. It sounds more appropriate.

We hold hands.

I recall once my sister in law, who is a German, came down to Kerala and thought that we are all gay.

You see two guys walking down the street holding hands, its natural that you will assume this. But this is Kerala. In malluland we hold hands and we are 'just friends'. Really. This is also why, if you are a Mallu and gay, you have to resort to acting like a girl.

The hand holding was already taken.

It is uncomfortable to watch a man with a mustache acting like a girl.

On second thoughts, I think I will retract that statement, since mallu girls have mustache. Some of them even have a beard. I think this is why when they travel by the local buses the mallu men feel them up.I think they are just confirming.

Mallu men has also been unjustly termed as the worst eve teasers in India. I beg to differ. I think eve teasing is a national phenomenon but Mallus are the most unimaginative ones.

Correct me if Iam wrong. Which woman out there finds a man, who gives a wolf whistle as you walk by and then makes a comparison of a body part of yours to some vegetable, attractive?


I didnt think so. Then why in fucks name do they always do that? Where did this evolve from? Did it ever work? Was that the mating ritual when we were in the coconut trees before we climbed down and started growing them?

And for heavens sake, whats with this breast kneading?

Today a European guy was asking me if it is considered impolite to look at a mallu girl in the eye. I told him that she will just be surprised.

They are so used to being looked at anywhere but their eyes.

Apparently this chap read in some tourist info booklet in Europe that if a Mallu girl looks a man in the eye then that means she wants to sleep with him.


They knew this is in Europe and we were wasting our time looking everywhere else.

I want to meet the publisher of this guide to Kerala.

Iam telling you, its hard to be depressed in Kerala. One day here and Iam already cracking up.

Just ignore the pun.


--xh-- said...


Paritosh said...

Damn funny bro!! I missed you. Hope you return safe and sound from the malluland to the sheikhland.

Holy Ash said...


Bramha said...

The kerchief thing..i think the expectation is to find blood. Coz thats what u find in most mallu movies :)

Gymnast said...

"mallu girls have mustache. Some of them even have a beard"

Very sad attempt at humour. You are still depressed.

Manasi said...

an insight was received when i lived in Mumbai -

"All Indian Men are Mallus at Heart..."

after that highest common factor was established, my acceptance of this realization has made life much less stressful and today i find it easier to live/work/muse in the company of other esteemed men-folk of our country :-) without getting judgmental at every point of the way!

Niall young said...

I'm glad I don't suffer from stress incontinence, as after reading your post, I'd be in serious trouble!

Take care my friend...I hear that Kerala is Heaven on Earth...!

Sairekha said...

Kerala is funny!:) I'm glad you're sharing the humour again:) Btw, do courier some yummy karimeen fry and beef fry to Bombay...drrroooool (@$$%^$^& - thats my keypad shortcircuiting!!!)

I do miss your old template and layout, and the undefiant I dont-give-a-fuck-feel:) But then again, I'm the one that hates change:)

6p00d8341c515253ef said...

"LOL" is all I can do to!! :-) Awesome Tillu! Happy healing!

6p00d8341c515253ef said...

P.S. Why does my profile show as some weird number? weird... hope it works now... if not ... it's just your sister in law writing :)

Shruti said...

I guess u've helped me frame an answer to give ppl who ask me why I dont like to go to Kerala. So far all I had to say was that men on their scooters drove with their eyes on the women on the footpath and not the traffic ahead of them.

The wit of people over there is extreme. I doubt anyone ever gives a straight answer to any question one asks. I haven't ever got one from my cousins! But I have to tell u, if I happen to understand it, its hilarious! Else, I am left looking like a fool.
The phone-- aah I have my dad as example. But then, my old gujju prof also yells into the phone, so, I'm not sure.
Suicide rates are that high there? Really?

Poornima said...

You know why mals are all depressed? It’s those dim 17 watt bulbs they have in every house! I was a cheerful kid, loved my hols in Kerala & all of that, but the evenings made me a tad suicidal. Those bulbs just suck the happiness from your brain! Couple this with the intense pressure to (a) study under that light & get a first rank every year (b) become the next ‘Kalathilakam’, (c) answer a simple question like ‘how are you, molu?’ with a para from the ‘Encyclopedia Britannica’ at age 3…& all this to be achieved when your father is a drunk & beating what he thinks is his wife (its actually the cow tethered in the courtyard...as they say in Malayalam, 'your life is licked by a dog'!!

And the sex thing…you can’t really categorize the average Mallu as ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. I honestly believe they’re another category called ‘Sexed’. Man, woman, animal, woody plant, anything will do. All he kneads is sex. The hand holding is probably a subtle signal to the holdee that IF you’re interested…only IF, then I’m open ‘this way’ too…:-) (if not Ill try for your kassin-sister tomorrow!).

Damn, I should have become a shrink!


Anandi said...

@xh : mallu rocks!

@paritosh : my hope too..

@holy ash : is that related to hillary...whats hillary when she sees clinton naked? Hilarious.

@brahma: i know...whats with mallu movies and cancer?...u remember? every movie had to kill the hero wth cancer, where theres this teary scene..they dont even tell us wht cancer...but the nose bleed was the major symptom..once that shows, u got about 1 reel left.

@gymnast : but they do...not all, but some do...its not a bad thing..there are websites dedicated to it..theres still a market for hairy armpits...

@manasi : iam truly happy for u...its not common in a persons life to come across a profond statement that alters the way you look at the world...in my case it was : Think simple, stupid.

@niall : thats wht they say..u need to come here...let me know whn and i will arrange u to meet some amazing people..

@sairekha : wht u doing in mumbai?..by the way , had all the things u mentioned...in regards to the i dont give a fuck attitude; girl, iam just warming up..

@dani : THEY HAVE STOLEN UR IDENTITY! I bet if u look behind ur neck u will see a bar code.

@shruti : comeon! this shud not stop u from visiting this place...we have a name for those who stand around near the road and just gape..they are caled MLA ( Mouth looking agents)....

@poori : that does it...start that damn blog...u need to get those latent horrors off ur live and i need the laugh..win win situation..

tys said...

damn, man..i hate gmail and using someone else system...btw, that was me...

shrik said...

Here's one more bit of helpful info on Mallus:

They are so honest, they write words like they pronounce them.

What else can explain words printed on boards such as "lory" and "Olymbics"?

Mohammed Musthafa said...

Excellent! Its good to know humour still exists in a depressed world....hope u'll deal with everything the way u deal with ur posts....

blue sunride said...

great read Tys! for the sheer wittiness of this post...

Anonymous said...

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Anurag said...

Get well soon bro.

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