Sunday, October 25, 2009

Man-aging Fatherhood

When my son turns 12 , Iam going to encourage him to go in for vasectomy.

Wife has gone to India for a week on some sort of business related thingy; which in my books means, 'away from Tys' time. This leaves the rein of running the household in my hands.

Did I tell you we have a maid from Nepal? Well we do. I don't understand a word she says and I have to resort to miming and dumb charade to get my tea every morning.

1 word. 3 letters. Sounds like :

Then I cup my man boobs.

I don't know how long she is going to stay.

So this is my human resource to handle my 2 kids.

I have , like a good manager, delegated my jobs. Considering that I make 50% of the human resource, I too have some role to play, other than prancing around like a monkey, much to the collective delights of the said children, trying to get the maid to clean the house.

Iam in charge of the sleep time and also the school run of the eldest one.

My son, the Object in Perpetual Motion, is mercifully run down by around 8 pm. This means that I can knock him out with a feather and he will sleep through till 5 am. At 5am I wake him up and he is at this age where he can brush his teeth, do his toilet and dress himself and sit on a chair with the expression of a zombie while I place his breakfast in front of him. At around 6am his school bus comes. At the bus stop downstairs its always the fathers that bring the kids down. So we have a School Bus Stop Dads Community.

Men are strange. When men become dads they are stranger. All of us are dressed in our night clothes. None of us know each others name other than in regard to Angel's Dad, or Jaydon's dad or R's dad. That is our identity. Our conversations are limited to the weather ( its hot/ humid/ getting cooler); to recession ( hows business? Picking up/ Fucked up ), parking woes and traffic. Once our wards are herded off into the bus, we get back into the lift, hit our respective floor buttons and stand in uncomfortable silence till we get off, bidding a parting that always goes ; Have a nice day.

Dads don't have much to say to each other. Unlike mothers. Mothers are a different story all together. My wife when she goes to the park with the kids ( this is her duty, since it involves activity), she comes back with stories about new families who I know will end up becoming close friends in the coming days where I will again be face to face with another dad, where the conversation will start and end on weather, work, parking and traffic.

The in charge of the sleep time for the 1.5 yr old mama's Velcro is a new one for me. Every morning when I get up I see my wife is already up and the 1.5 is on the divan with a milk bottle in her mouth. Every morning I cheerfully wish my wife a great morning and is replied with a wane smile and when asked , she will respond that Velcro has been giving her trouble in the night.

I do the necessary sympathetic gestures and get on with the day.

How much trouble can a 1.5 yr old girl give you!

A lot.

I found out the hard way and its only been one night. I have another 7 more to go.

She wakes up 4 times every night. The woken state is accompanied by loud howling which can only be abated by walking her around in my arms. The howling will in time (around 20 minutes) reduce in volume to a whimper and then to a slight snore. This is when I will try to put her back on the bed. Which will wake her up again and I go back to step 1.

4 times a night.

Iam seriously considering spiking her milk in the night.

I sometimes doubt the intelligence of a god who would make things the way he has made it. Now if it was left to me, children would have been born 21, with their own apartment.


Lucy lighting up the world said...

Cost of being a father, wishing you the best!

janette said...

I feel you Mr Pravin its all fatherhood atleast you got a taste of it.....Next time go for the bussiness trip thingy she cant sleep give a sleeping pill no overdose lol

janette said...

I feel you Mr Pravin its all fatherhood atleast you got a taste of it.....Next time go for the bussiness trip thingy she cant sleep give a sleeping pill no overdose lol

janette said...

I feel you Mr Pravin its all fatherhood atleast you got a taste of it.....Next time go for the bussiness trip thingy she cant sleep give a sleeping pill no overdose lol

Lata said...

came across ur blog recently, hilarious posts!-erma bombeck style observations on life- please keep writing and hopefully one day u also publish a book:)

humbl devil said...

u r wicked..
cut the baby some slack...
till 2 yrs of age all kids have the right to wail all they want..especially to wake up their dads :P

Jules said...

It is beyond belief for me that your boy has to catch the school bus that damn early!! Wow... you all put me to shame, I get grumpy if mine wakes me up before 7:30am!

As for Velcro... mine was just like that. I could never put him down. But I think this lasted from 0 - 1 year... not beyond. You're in for a loooooong haul, Sweetie.

Prats said...

If kids are born 21, they dont remain kids Tys....cmon its just a week with the kiddos...and i'm sure you're having fun doing the bus stop run...
and dont ever spike the'll never know when it finally takes might be 3 days later and that too when you just dont expect it.... :D

** I didn't mean to scare you...just thought i'd smile through memories by leaving such wicked comments

Poornima said...

Wheres FanofTys when you really need him, huh? Simbly superficial he is, silli fello! Now if 'he' were a 'she', she would don her cape, pyuvarcotton nightie & hawai chappals & jump to your rescue immediately. Definitely a man,this one!

Lol! I wouldnt put it past you, spiking their milk! But still, Im proud of you my buoy. You actually place his breakfast in front of him and all...better than a certain somebody in MY house who asked me (on the one day in 10 years that I was down with a fever) ''what TEMPERATURE should the water be to put in the eggs to boil?''

I havent fallen sick ever after.


Tys on Ice said...

@lucy: cost of being a father is death to freedom... :)

@janette : there goes my secret identity..not once but three times..its like an echo...i got the taste of fatherhood twice..anymore I will become diabetic

@humble devil : yeah iam counting on that...i dont know why she has it in for me..

@lata : hopefully u will buy it.

@jules : its pissing off that here the kids go to school at arnd 5 and 6 am..the reason is the traffic...the school starts only at arnd by the time they reach college, their parents go mad due to sleep deprivation.

@prats : fun?...this is not is whn i get up at 10 and head off to the pool with the tykes and bob like a float...thts fun...this is sheer torture but now i will have something to make them feel guilty whn they become our parents tale about walking 100 kms to school everyday bit..

@poori : :) ... man of my heart...i think u married my twin.. that fan of tys is never arnd whn i need him/her..i hope its a her...always did like women fighting my makes me all weak inside..

Sairekha said...

tysk tysk.. but she'll grow up. In fact when she comes home at 4 am, she'll probably blog about you calling her atleast 4 times in the interim and howling at her all the while!:P Karma anybody?

Blue said...

i love the way u describe ur woes. u make them sound almost "cute". and no, i am not being unsympathetic. i just mean that we all have r lives (alongwith businesses) screwed up. its just that ur screwed up life is so interesting :)

Mohammed Musthafa said...

I'd love it if I grew up to be a dad who blogs about his life...but yah, I'd stay out of the spiking kid's drinks part....good read!

Mohammed Musthafa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fan of Tys said...

Looking for me?
I'm not waking up in the middle of the night to look after your kids, Tys! Hahaha!

blue sunride said...

object in perpetual motion & 1.5 !! witty :)

Rishi said...

Reminds me of a book...'The Best a Man can get' by John O'Farrell...nice read.

eunoia said...

awww...and women wonder why men are shit scared of making babies!

Anonymous said...


I know your pain, but you know what, it doesn't get easy when they are grown up either. I have 3 and it's 3 too many. I wish somebody told me at the time I walked passed the sweet shop=woman that I am diabetic. But any how it's too fuking late to cry about it now, that the eldest is 20.
This is the time you miss your Mrs.
Happy days.